8ish weeks

How can it only be 8 weeks?  First trimester anxiety, plus brutal sickness, plus a baby who measured over a half a week smaller than I was expecting equals the first trimester that lasts FOREVER.

I suppose 8 weeks with no bleeding and still having tons of pregnancy symptoms is good.  I guess everything is still okay.  I guess.  I don't really think about it too often.  Just functioning well enough to make sure Boy 1 and Boy 2 are taken care of is about the extent of my functioning right now.  Makes it hard to worry about what may or may not be happening with Boy 3 or Girl 1.

Because I am old (aka - advanced maternal age), I am eligible for the Panorama blood test.  They basically take blood from me, and can spin out DNA from the baby.  We'll get a full report of genetic abnormalities and we'll find out the sex.  The test can be done at 9 weeks and results come in 7-10 days.  Crazy, right???  Not sure how I feel about knowing the sex of the baby so early.  I guess it either gives me PLENTY of time to buy lots of cute girl clothes . . . Or it gives me PLENTY of time to ponder how life will be with 3 boys and accept that there will never be a girl.  

Heartbeat and Zofran

I should have updated yesterday.  Our appointment went well for the most part. Baby has an amazing strong heartbeat of 144bpm.  But OF COURSE there is something to worry about.  Baby is measuring small - 6w6d.  Since I don't exactly know when I ovulated and there is a margin of error with measurements, no one seems concerned . . . Except me.  But it is what it is.  Nothing I can do to make the baby measure larger.  :/

And I almost cried like a baby when I begged for my Zofran.  I have never been this sick.  I need relief.  I just took my first one a couple hours ago and I'm feeling a lot better.  Still queasy, but survivable.  Phew.  

More updates to come.

Misery

7w2d (based on LMP) and I basically want to curl up and disappear for at least the next 5 weeks - probably longer.

Boy 2 still nurses and sleeps like shit at 20 months old.  I'm exhausted.  Boy 1 is full of more energy than 10 children should have combined.  (Thank goodness he goes back to school next week.)  

I can't eat (thank you sickness).  I can't sleep (thank you insomnia and boy 2).  And apparently even when I'm not eating I can't even drop a few pounds (thank you bloating).

Ultrasound in just over 48 hours.  I truly have not even thought about it much.  I have two healthy boys.  Whatever happens on Thursday, we will get through it.  (Unless there is more than one baby in here.  I might not get through that.)

Sick and grumpy

Oh yes.  Hello sickness.  Your arrival is bittersweet.  Thankfully it's not all day (yet), and thankfully I am not actually puking (yet) . . . But oh, the waves of nausea are strong and sudden.  BLEH.

But I'm not grumpy because I'm sick.  I'm grumpy because all I wanted for dinner tonight was a burger with LOTS and LOTS of grilled onions.  I would have settled for grilled onions on a bun.  So I stopped at Five Guys for the ONLY craving I've indulged in this week.  I ordered my burger (and dinner for the rest of the family), and salivated all the way home.  My previous meals today were a peach for breakfast - I ended up gagging on it and forcing myself to choke it down.  And a few spoonfuls of leftover taco meat for lunch (leftovers from dinner).  That's it.  So I was HUNGRY.

You can guess where this is going right?

NO ONIONS.  I admit it.  I cried.  My husband laughed.  But I'm still upset about it.  DO NOT MESS WITH A PREGNANT LADY AND HER FOOD!!!

Cookie Dough!!!

OMG, I am DYING for cookie dough.  Seriously, I can't express the craving.  I probably haven't had cookie dough in over a year.  And suddenly I want to eat it by the bowl-ful.  

But my weight.  Oh my stupid horrible weight.  I can not eat cookie dough.  I am 50 pounds overweight.

Why, OH WHY do I feel like an addict having withdrawals right now?  This is crazy.

Blather

I feel like this post is going to be a lot of "diarrhea of the mouth." I have a lot to say, but none of it has much logic or form.

I'm in between 5 1/2 and 6 weeks now (I think). Totally bizarre to think I've know about this pregnancy for almost 2 weeks now and there still isn't a detectable heartbeat yet. When we were TTC I was an obsessive early tester. This time around, I only tested because I just felt CRAZY pregnant. But again, it was super early. I makes the first trimester DRAG on forever when you find out right at 4 weeks (or even sooner).

For the most part, I don't worry too much about what is (or is not) going on in my uterus. I've accepted that I have no control over it whatsoever. I'm sure my anxiety will be sky high come September 4th going into our ultrasound, but for now I'm just letting my body do it's thing. I'm not peeing on tests anymore. (Once I got 3+ on the CBE there wasn't a lot left to accomplish with that stupid exercise.)

The ripping sensation (RLP) in my abdomen every time I twist or stand too quickly is a nice reminder that at least for now my body is preparing itself for pregnancy. The hormones / emotions are another reminder that I'm definitely not myself. I cry way too easily and lost my temper way too easily too. (And the temper thing is unfortunate, because I never had a long fuse to begin with. My kids and my patience level right now are not a good combination.) :(

I'm not sick yet. But I am finding that when I get hungry, nothing sounds good to eat at all. I mean NOTHING. I could not find one thing on an entire restaurant menu I wanted to eat last night. And today in the grocery store, the only thing that sounded remotely decent was tabouli, and by the time I got home and sat down to eat it, it was quite disappointing. But I can eat and am eating. If the previous 2 successful pregnancies are any indication, I would expect sickness to strike anytime in the next week.

My weight is bothering me. A lot. I had no intention of getting pregnant at this weight. (Hell, I had no intention of ever BEING this weight.) Basically I've put on 20lbs from *each* the 3 major life events I've had in the last 6 years. After my wedding I gained 20lbs. After Boy 1, my body found a new weight that was approximately 20lbs heavier than when I started. And the same thing happened after Boy 2. So I am now up 60 pounds from when I got married. And sure, maybe that was an unrealistic weight for me to maintain, but I'm just flat out gross now. I'm easily 40-50 pounds grossly overweight and starting a pregnancy that way SUCKS. I was dieting and running before this pregnancy surprise happened, so I'm trying to stick with the exercise and maintain a healthy diet. I think that if this pregnancy goes the distance, that is going to be my BIGGEST struggle. I need to be healthy. Not just because I don't like the way I look, but because being overweight and pregnant creates complications. I want a VBAC. I want to go to full term. I don't want to worry about gestational diabetes, another 10lb baby, or pre-eclampsia.

And then there are the thoughts of the VBAC. I won't even go there now. I mean, obviously, my mind is there or I wouldn't have brought it up. But we don't even know if this is a viable pregnancy yet and I'm already longing for a particular birth experience. I need to stay grounded in the very real possibility that this could be another first trimester miscarriage. The more I let myself think and hope for the milestones ahead, the more I am going to be crushed if we lose this pregnancy. (And right now, I don't feel like I will be "crushed" - but I am getting more and more attached to the idea every day.)

I guess that's all for now. I suppose I could have just said, "I'm fat, I'm crying a lot, my patience is shot, and I don't know what I'm going to eat tomorrow." ;)

So this happened today

Yes, I'm still peeing on tests.  I'm a bit obsessed (and still in shock).

I'll start out by saying these tests are a bit of a joke.  HCG in urine varies greatly depending on hydration levels, time of the day, etc.  And most people according to google say that the amount of HCG in urine is lower than the amount in blood.  So why did I buy some?  Because I'm crazy and stupid.

According to the documentation this is how the tests should read:

1-2 Weeks <156 hcg

2-3 Weeks 156-2600 hcg

3+ Weeks > 2600 hcg

Here's an example of how inaccurate they are.  Thursday I took one before my HCG draw.  The test said 1-2 weeks pregnant and my HCG was 433.

So knowing my HCG was 433 Thursday, it should have doubled by Saturday and doubled again by today.  So I wanted to see 2-3 weeks on the test...

Hmmm.  I guess the HCG has gone up a little since Thursday . . .

433

Well that's a darn good number!

Progesterone is above 20.  Which is good too, but . . .

My midwives do not prescribe proactive progesterone - which I was on last time.  And I'm scared to death to be without it.

So . . . 

I called my old RE's office.  The specifiC RE I used moved out of state, but I figure my files must surely still be on file with the practice, right?  Anyway, I left a message explaining the situation and asking for a second opinion on the progesterone.

I hate being anxious.

First ultrasound with my midwives is 9/4.

Woah.

I am having an insane number of symptoms super early.  My husband is convinced this means there are two babies.  (Which is not even remotely funny to joke about.)

I don't have any nausea yet so I'm counting my blessings for that.

As for other stuff?

Round Ligament Pain?  OMG, how is this possible so early?  I wouldn't even believe it was possible if Google hadn't revealed to me tons of other mothers who have had it this early (and earlier) with each subsequent pregnancy.  If I twist too quickly, or God forbid if I sneeze, it feels like my uterus is ripping out of my body.

Exhaustion?  At least it seems to have cured the insomnia I've been struggling with since Boy 2 was born 19 months ago.  I could sleep all day.

Sore boobs?  Miserable.  And considering that Boy 2 is still nursing, this is just a cruel joke.  Oh, and I obviously need newer sports bras.  

What does all of this mean?  Absolutely nothing except that if this pregnancy goes for the duration, I don't think it is going to be any kinder to me than my previous ones.  

A reminder that betas do mean something, but not everything . . .

I found this quote online tonight from one of the leading REs in the world:

"If I had a nickel for every baby I have held in my arms that did not initially have perfectly doubling hCG levels or for every D & C I have had to perform for a failed pregnancy that was indeed doubling, I would be retired in the South of France reading poetry and eating peeled grapes."

http://haveababy.com/fertility-information/infertility-insights/the-real-meaning-of-beta-hcg-levels