36w5d

Do you know what happens when your water spontaneously breaks at 36w2d with your previous pregnancy?  You hit 36w2d in your current pregnancy AND YOU LOSE YOUR MIND.

LOSE IT.

My first pregnancy got to 39w1d when my water broke.  So with my last pregnancy, I was miserable at 36 weeks, but I was mentally prepared to go at least 3 more weeks.  I was SHOCKED when my water broke early.

Now?  Every day that passes, I'm convinced it *could* happen.  And while,

Of course, it *could,* reality is that 36w2d was probably just a random fluke and I need to get in a mental place where I am prepared to go much closer to 3 more weeks than any day now.

Three weeks is not that long, right?  Ha.  It is going to be the longest 3 weeks of my life.

36 week appointment went well.  (Never got to that appointment last time.)  GBS test was done - should know results soon.  Baby is still head down (and has been for 8 weeks now).  Cervix is 1-2cm dilated and 50% effaced - which doesn't mean much except that I've made a teeny bit of progress that I won't have to make later.

Hemorrhoid surgeon appointment went well too.  I now have weekly appointments with him to "manage" them (between now and delivery) with surgical removal tentatively planned for 12ish weeks post partum.  Managing is not a glamorous process, so I'll leave out the details and just be thankful that the process is managing the pain.

OMG - 3 more weeks. 

35w3d

I don't even know where to begin.  Baby is still doing fine.  Mommy, however, is not.  This pregnancy has been one fucked up physical experience after another.  My body is done.  

I can handle the rib kicks (at least he's head down)!  I can handle the leaky boobs that just started (even though I never produced a drop of milk before delivery with my previous two).  I can handle the exhaustion of chasing after two young boys with a fraction of the lung capacity I normally have.  I can handle not sleeping well.  I can even handle the excruciating crotch pain most days.  (Although today was particularly bad, and just lifting my legs high enough to take one or two steps was pretty unbearable.)

These are all just things that come with being 8 months pregnant.  

What is crippling me right now, on top of all the "normal" stuff is a thrombosed hemorrhoid.  Sorry, was that TMI?  If you've never had one, be eternally grateful.  If you have had one, my sympathy goes out to you.  This is not just your ordinary run of the mill hemorrhoid.  Nope.  This is one my midwives want me to see a surgeon about as soon as possible.  So I get to have a GI surgeon dig around in my butt Tuesday.  Happy 36 weeks to me.

Did I mention that I'm done?

It's so hard to reconcile feeling so miserable through this entire pregnancy.  I mean, I lost 4 pregnancies - so a surprise successful pregnancy should be all puppies and rainbows, right?  I should enjoy every second of the last month of pregnancy I will ever have, right?  Nope.  I'm done.  The only way through is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and somehow even that is literally turning into something that seems almost impossible to do for much longer.

The end is close.  So close.  And yet so very very far.

33w4d

I don't know what's scarier right now - the idea that my due date is sill 6 weeks and 3 days away, or that Boy 2 was born in 2 weeks and 5 days.  (Holy cow, we are so not ready to have another baby that fast.)

In super awesome amazing news, all of the horrid pain I was having between 28-30 weeks seems to have subsided for now.  Other than not being able to get really comfortable to sleep and having hip pain when I get out of bed in the morning or when I stand after sitting for too long, I physically feel better than I have in several weeks.

Unfortunately, the harsh Winter, way too many snow days off school for Boy 1, and being stuck in our house for too long is wearing on me emotionally.  I'm beyond mental exhaustion at this point.  But next week promises some above freezing temps and hopefully the ability to get out to get some fresh air and sunlight will give me a bit of a refresh.  (I also have a much needed haircut next week.)

I had dinner with a friend last week and both of her boys came before their due dates too (37 and 38 weeks).  We were talking about how hard it is to mentally prepare to go to your due date (or beyond) when your history would indicate that you will probably deliver earlier.  With a 39w1d and a 36w2d delivery, I HAVE to get into the mindset that I could go to 40w.  Or (OMG) 41w4d.  I admit - I can NOT comprehend that.  I'll settle for preparing for 40w.  After that I'll probably just cry a lot.  

  

32 weeks

Sorry, I left everyone hanging.  (At this point I assume most readers are friends and get my updates elsewhere.)  Anyway, 31 week ultrasound showed a cervix completely closed and 5cm long.  Yes, that is LONG.  My MFM consult post-ultrasound went remarkably well.  The specialist said it was "absurd" (yes his choice of words) to suggest progesterone supplementation at this point in time for a VBAC candidate with a cervix two times longer than what is considered a normal closed length at this point in pregnancy.  (Anything longer than 2.5cm is considered normal.)

All seems well in baby land too.  Baby boy is measuring large, just like his brothers did.  Assumption is that if he goes to 40 weeks he will be approximately 9lbs.  This doesn't really bother me - my first was 9lb 10oz and came out fine.

No real explanation for my excruciating pain, other than its the third trimester and this little guy is estimated to be 4lb 8oz already.  (And yes, those estimates are notoriously inaccurate.)

Anyway, tomorrow is 32 weeks.  Nothing really to do at this point other than wait out the last 2 months.  Actually there is a lot to do.  We've done nothing to prepare for this baby at all.  NOTHING.  So I guess we better get on that - since if he wants to be like his middle brother, he could be here in 4 weeks . . .

Paranoia and an ultrasound

There is more backstory here than I care to write about.  LONG story short, the hospital OB I had to meet with to consult about my VBAC wants me to start progesterone to prevent another (possibly earlier) pre-term "labor."  The problem is, I didn't have pre-term labor.  I had pre-term premature rupture of membranes.  No labor.  My midwives and MFM both say that my history does not warrant taking progesterone right now, but MFM wants an ultrasound now just to make sure my cervix is still long and closed.  When my water broke last time at 36 weeks, my cervix was 100% effaced and 2cm dilated.  That doesn't seem significant to me (I've heard tons of stories of people who dilate early and stay pregnant for weeks), but MFM says they want to see what's going on right now.

So that will be Monday morning at 9am (exactly 31 weeks).

In the meantime, I have had excruciating pain in my lower pelvis/cervix/vagina over the last 2 days.  Like have to stop walking and brace myself until the pain is gone.  I wouldn't say the pain is contractions - it definitely doesn't radiate up through my entire uterus.  But I'm concerned.  And relieved to have the ultrasound already scheduled for Monday.  

30 weeks

Holy crap.  I will be 30 weeks pregnant on Monday.  So dear God, why do I feel 43 weeks pregnant?  I've never even been 40 weeks pregnant . . .

I'm waddling.  My hips and back are in constant pain.  My belly is enormous.  I've only gained 12ish pounds - so that's not the problem.  Ugh.

It's going to be a brutal last 2+ months.  

21 weeks - Still puking

Oh how I wish that was a joke.  Being unbearably sick between weeks 14-16 was a cruel joke.  Feeling mostly better between weeks 17-19 was amazing.  Back to puking regularly between 19-21 . . . Well yeah.  I'm fucking over it.  And I haven't used that word on this blog in a LONG time.

In other news, our anatomy scan went well.  Baby boy is still a boy.  He is only measuring about 4 days ahead of my due date - which is much smaller than my other boys have measured.  This is a welcome change for me . . . Not worrying about a giant baby (at least not yet).  I'm sure it's a function of my sickness and my own weight gain.  Pretty sure I was up 15-20 pounds by the halfway point in my previous pregnancies (maybe more in my first).  I'm currently hovering anywhere between +/- 3 for the entire pregnancy so far.  Today was a bad puking day so I'm back down to -3.  

All of my test results, including AFP which was abnormal in my last pregnancy, and the early glucose test have all been normal.  So really there isn't baby monitoring to happen from here on out.  Just normal appointments.  Crazy, huh?

Damn, I wish I could just stop puking.

Quick update

Well I'm still here and still pregnant.  Just checked in on the little peanut with the doppler and he/she is still thumping away at 170-180bpm.  I did end up having an ultrasound last week.  I just wanted to check on growth since the first measurement was small.  Our first u/s came up with a 6w6d measurement.  Our second u/s, exactly 2 weeks later, came up with 9w2d and a heart rate of 185bpm.  Phew.  

That was last week.  So I'm 10 1/2 weeks now.  I had my genetic bloodwork done earlier this week, and that should be back in the next week to 10 days.  And our nuchal translucency scan is on October 9th.

This is all still very surreal to me.  Except for the sickness and exhaustion - they remind me every.single.moment that I am, in fact, definitely pregnant.

Obviously, any number of things could still go very wrong . . . But with good growth as of last week and a strong thumping heartbeat as of 15 minutes ago, it feels like we may make it out of the first trimester . . . CRAZY!

Doppler

Yep.  I did it.  I got a doppler.  I have been warned a million times over that the one time you don't hear the baby will be infinitely worse than any assurance it could ever provide.  I don't care.  There isn't much infinitely worse than waiting 4 weeks between appointments.

Baby was thumping away at 175bpm this morning!!!  

And now I don't have to obsess about whether or not I should call in a favor for getting an ultrasound to calm my anxiety this week.  (I can save that favor for when the doppler gives me a heart attack.)

8ish weeks

How can it only be 8 weeks?  First trimester anxiety, plus brutal sickness, plus a baby who measured over a half a week smaller than I was expecting equals the first trimester that lasts FOREVER.

I suppose 8 weeks with no bleeding and still having tons of pregnancy symptoms is good.  I guess everything is still okay.  I guess.  I don't really think about it too often.  Just functioning well enough to make sure Boy 1 and Boy 2 are taken care of is about the extent of my functioning right now.  Makes it hard to worry about what may or may not be happening with Boy 3 or Girl 1.

Because I am old (aka - advanced maternal age), I am eligible for the Panorama blood test.  They basically take blood from me, and can spin out DNA from the baby.  We'll get a full report of genetic abnormalities and we'll find out the sex.  The test can be done at 9 weeks and results come in 7-10 days.  Crazy, right???  Not sure how I feel about knowing the sex of the baby so early.  I guess it either gives me PLENTY of time to buy lots of cute girl clothes . . . Or it gives me PLENTY of time to ponder how life will be with 3 boys and accept that there will never be a girl.