39 weeks (LOL)

Today I should be 39 weeks pregnant. And instead I'm blogging from my phone while my perfect 17 day old snoozes on my chest. That's a damn good trade if you ask me.

He's up to 7lb 2oz and really seems to be filling out. Of course 5lb 7oz at the time we left the hospital was SO tiny that 7lb seems big. Hard to believe that my first son weighed 9lb 10oz at birth?!?!?!!!

The last 2.5 weeks have been a whirlwind. Unexpected early arrival. Unexpected surgery. And here I am, with my tiny baby who is already changing before my very eyes.

I never thought I was a newborn person. I much prefer the age where they are older and can interact . . . Or so I thought. But there is something so magical about this time. Maybe it's knowing how hard it was to finally be holding this blessing. Maybe it's knowing that he is probably my last baby. Maybe it's the Zoloft. But I am truly loving every single solitary second of these days that are passing to quickly. I just want to freeze time, right now. I don't want to ever forget these moments.

But it's not all enjoyment. There is guilt with this joy. I did not have this newborn euphoria with my first son. Not even close. Was it because he was a much more difficult baby? Was it because I had no experience as a mother? Was it PPD/PPA? A combination of everything I suspect. I would give anything to have those first 10-20 days back with him. To enjoy every baby squeak, the tiny fingers and toes, even the sour milk smell. I hate that I don't remember him in his newborn perfection (even if that did involve a lot of crying). My heart hurts right now that this time with my second son feels so natural and I've never felt this before.

My first son, without a doubt, is a VERY loved and very attached 3 year old. I don't feel like his life will suffer because I struggled emotionally through his first few months. Heck, he probably didn't know the difference. He was held, nursed, pampered, and babied as much as any infant could be - it just was so unnatural and difficult for me. And of course, I feel like that is some reflection on me as a mother. And the guilt is rough.

But as much as I want that time back with him, it's gone. Just like our new baby's first 16 days are gone. Time moves so fast. I just hope I'm able to spend many more of the upcoming days cherishing these moments with both my boys, instead of dwelling on the moments I've missed. I've never been very good at living in the present. Perhaps that is just one of *many* life lessons "baby brother" has taught me. I am a very very blessed mother to 2 perfect boys. I can't change the mother I've been over the last 3 years, I can just be a better mom today.