Life Changes

For anyone keeping up, there is no TTC news to report right now. CD10 is about as boring as it gets in my cycle. Most of the time I'm feeling calm about TTC. I wouldn't say I ever feel optimistic . . . I am almost certain that another pregnancy will be a miscarriage as well, but with the diagnosis we have, that's the journey we have to walk. Some days are better than others. Last night I had a hard time going to sleep. A Facebook friend just announced her fourth pregnancy yesterday and for some reason I just couldn't stop thinking about the 4 I've lost. But most days are okay. And I think that's because I'm keeping myself busy . . .

I've now lost 12 pounds - which is amazing. I really need to lose 40 more, but 12 is a good start. I just started the 30 Day Shred last night, and I thought I'd be in a lot more pain today. Surprisingly, the only thing that really hurts are my arms . . . the weakest part of my body (by far) was not intended to push up the overweight rest of my body. But it's the good kind of hurt, like I can tell I did something, but am not unable to move them at all.

Let's see, what else - I chopped my hair off (much needed) and perked up my blonde color from dishwater to much brighter.

I've got the entire house organized and am keeping it moderately clean. (As clean as you can keep a house with a toddler and a 100 pound fuzzy dog, of course.) I'm finding lots of crafts and recipes on Pinterest to keep any extra time filled up, and I think my healthier habits and weight loss are contributing to an overall better mood.

So that's where we are right now. As I was struggling with my insomnia last night I wondered if we should just stop TTC. Is it worth it? I don't know. Right now, I don't think I'm ready to quit. But as time goes on, I am getting more and more open to the idea of getting off this crazy train and accepting what life has given us up until this point . . . We'll see how the next couple of months go.

CD 1

As expected, AF was on her way. This busted cycle marks the one year point of trying for #2. I can only hope and pray that our second year will be kinder than the first and I won't still be writing about busted cycles next February. :(

Annoyed

14dpo, BFN, 36 hours off progesterone, and my temperature is . . . UP?!?!?! ARGH. Come on AF, let's get this stupid show on the road . . .

Sad

I don't know why, but my soul hurts today. I haven't had a day like this in quite a while. I'm guessing it's PMS hormones, but whatever it is . . . it sucks.

At a loss for words . . .

I have an old high school friend who I keep up with on Facebook. Last January she lost her precious little girl at 6 months pregnant. No warning, no explanation, it just happened. I think about her often - almost daily. But today I decided to write to her to tell her how much I've been thinking of her lately.

She confided in me that she is pregnant with a little boy, due on June 14th. June 14th. Please, Dear God, let her have the June 14th miracle that I was not able to keep.

11dpo, BFN.

What does that mean? Technically, not much. Only about 50% of pregnancies will have a positive test at 11dpo, and normal implantation can occur as late as 10dpo (which wouldn't produce a BFP for another 3-4 days). But all of my pregnancies, 5 in case you've lost count, have had BFPs by now.

How am I feeling? Well progesterone is a bitch, but we've already covered that. I feel okay. I don't know why, I never really had much hope for this cycle. I don't think a BFN is bad. I think if we had sat this cycle out and not tried that I would have been very sad. So we tried, and if it fails I will be a little disappointed. But a BFN is another month for my mind and body to continue healing. It's another month to get a little bit healthier. (I've already lost 10 pounds since January 1st.)

I know this cycle isn't over for a few more days. I haven't given up all hope yet. But a BFP will really surprise me at this point, and mentally I am prepared to be trying again next month.

E.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d

Between fighting food poisoning in our house since Monday (all 3 of us), and this crazy progesterone, I am so tired I can't even see straight. I mean fall of my chair in the middle of the day, take a nap under my desk, EXHAUSTED.

And I'm only 6dpo. That means 8 more days of progesterone even if I'm not pregnant. Wowzers. It's going to be a long week.

5 dpo

I'm 5dpo and tired of this cycle already. I don't know why, I just don't have a lot of hope. I have no reason to feel that way really. The progesterone is a bitch - sore boobs, bloating, etc. No longer can I use any of those as an indication of what way things might be going. So I'm just biting my finger nails, waiting to start testing at a reasonable dpo . . .

Weird Cycle

Wow. In a year and a half of charting, I haven't ever had a cycle this odd. Still waiting to ovulate and having even more anxiety than I anticipated. Emotions are as unpredictable as the cycle - some minutes really excited about trying again, and other minutes feeling like I should stop trying and just be happy with the son I have.

Sigh. And as if waiting to ovulate doesn't make me neurotic enough, next up is the glorious two week wait.