32 Weeks

As tired as I am, I'm on a mission and making progress. I've gotten two posts up on my personal blog in the last two days. I've sewn for a couple of hours (on a quilt that seriously will probably require 16-20 hours of solid sewing from start to finish). And I did my Hypnobabies assignment for yesterday. Today's assignment will be done before bed. One way or another, I will get this all done!

 So today is 32 weeks and it's pretty unremarkable (in a good way). Baby boy should be about 3 3/4 pounds (but he was estimated to be that size 2 weeks ago) and should be about 16 3/4 inches long. I have a standard checkup on Monday morning and another ultrasound in 2 weeks. Really, other than that, there is nothing to report.

 I had a ton of really intense movements a few days last week when we were out of town for Thanksgiving, so I'm hoping that maybe he went head down. My midwives should be able to tell me how he's positioned on Monday. Overall, the type of movement I'm experiencing is definitely changing. It's no longer craziness all over. It's distinct, hard, blunt movements in the same places over and over again. This is of course because he's getting bigger and has less room to flip and flop. So it's expected. But it's definitely wearing on some areas of my abdomen more than others.

I'm up a total of about 20 pounds so far. I think it's unrealistic to stay under 25 pounds between now and the end, but I would be ELATED with staying under 30 pounds. Assuming I don't have insane water retention at the end this time, that should be possible.

And for now, I think that's it. No news is definitely good news from here on out!!!

A plan for my free time.

Okay, so I *think* I have a plan to get my "want projects" accomplished in the next 5-6 weeks.

Hours before the toddler wakes up at 7am: Catch up on photo editing and my personal blog. It's a good time to do quiet projects because I don't want to wake him up early.

Toddler nap: My hypnobabies natural child birth class that I ordered over 10 weeks ago has been neglected and it's a 5 week course.

Hours after the toddler goes to bed (7-8pm): Nursery and sewing projects. The sewing machine is loud and usually the first few hours of his sleep at night are the soundest.

Sigh. Let's see how much of this I get accomplished...

Sleeplessness

I know, I missed my 31 week update. That's what happens during the holidays. A full term pregnancy is now less than 6 weeks away. Holy shit. A full term pregnancy is now less than 6 weeks away?!?!?!?!

As I lay here tonight in bed, unable to sleep, I am catching up on my blog reading. Baby brother is destroying the right side of my abdomen with his ever strengthening kicks. I mean causing serious pain. As of my last appointment he was transverse, and I don't think he has moved. (Not great news, for a vaginal delivery or for my comfort. But he still has a few weeks to move before they get worried.)

Anyway, from my blog reading I learned that today a fellow "RPLer" found out she is about to miscarry for the 4th time. This time after going through IVF to conceive. I am so sad and angry for her. Why must the world be this way? Why does anyone have to lose baby after baby? The pain of RPL is so intense and so maddening. Yet with every next pregnancy there is this hope that maybe things will be different. Maybe, just maybe the vicious cycle will break, the "bad luck" will end, and a pregnancy will make it. The waiting, the anxiety, the fear. I wish the madness on no one, and my heart aches for this woman and her husband tonight.

And suddenly those pounding kicks to my side feel like the most welcome things in the world. Pain is so relative, and I have nothing to complain about.

Thanksgiving Eve

With Thanksgiving now about 20 minutes away, and our alarm clock going off in 6 hours so we can beat traffic and get out of town . . . I lay here, wide awake.

Not thinking about my to do list or how tired I am. Not thinking about weight gain or our new son's name.

I am thinking of how thankful I am. Thankful for this pregnancy. Thankful that my husband and I found our way through a very dark start to the year. Thankful that the pain of my life 12 months ago is moving further into my past. Thankful, ETERNALLY thankful, for the love and support I have been shown in the last year - by the closest of friends and relative internet strangers alike. Thankful for a healthy and perfect 3 year old son.

If you have been a part of my life in the past year - thank you. Thank you for everything. My lowest lows and highest highs have all been shared here, and while it may just be a miscarriage/pregnancy blog to most of you - this has been my safe place and my sanity more times than I can recall.

It's been a hard year. It's been a long year. But my family and I have made it through. And we are so so very thankful.

9 1/2 weeks is coming way too fast

Seriously, how do the days keep flying by? I told my husband tonight that I need the days to all have 62 hours and to find a drug that will let me stay awake for all of them. OR, I need my due date to be 8 weeks later. Between the things I *need* to do (finish organizing a couple of rooms that we've flip flopped to be more practical when the baby comes), wash baby clothes, etc . . . and the things I *want* to do (set up craft organization for my son, set up a couponing system, finish the quilt I'm working on) . . . It's just NOT all going to get done. And I never nested with my son, but I'm nesting in a MAJOR way now. The floors that were just vacuumed a couple days ago were irritating me to the point that they got vacuumed again tonight. This is NOT normal behavior for me . . . My floors are lucky to get vacuumed twice a month - they NEVER get vacuumed twice a week. Sigh. One way or another this baby will be here in ~9.5 weeks. (Or 7.5 or 11.5 - you know . . . ) And then it will be 8-10 months before I even get a chance to come up for air. And with that, I'm off to work on my to-do list.

Breaking News

We *may* have a name for "baby brother." I don't want to get too attached to the idea of it yet, but for the first time in the 10 weeks since we've started discussing names we have landed on one that we seem to keep coming back to . . .

30 weeks (yesterday)

Great heavens, I am exhausted. I'm not sure if this is pregnancy related or related to becoming a stay at home mom (probably both), but I seriously just feel like I could fall over any second. And the to do list just keeps growing.

Yesterday was 30 weeks! Officially 3/4 of the way through this pregnancy. That is CRAZY. Even crazier - full term is only 7 weeks away. I knew the end was going to go fast, but wow, if I could buy an extra 3-4 weeks, I'm sure I could find a way to fill every second!

According to "average" this little boy should be about 3 pounds and 15 3/4 inches long. According to our ultrasound estimate yesterday, his estimated fetal weight is currently 3lb 13oz. And really, he has 2 jobs left to do - put on more weight and stay in long enough for his lungs to mature. Being almost 4 pounds with 10 weeks left, means he likely won't be a small guy, but we've known that for a while.

The ultrasound yesterday was unremarkable for the most part. Fluid remains slightly elevated, but has not gotten higher than it was 4 weeks ago. While his head is still large relative to the rest of him, everything has grown about 4 weeks since our last check. But we will take yet another look in 4 weeks.

As of yesterday's check he was transverse with his head on my right side, butt on the left and feet up. Not sure where he is today, but considering I was kicked for several hours on the right side, I'm going to say that my little gymnast has somersaulted at least once since our appointment yesterday.

Since I started typing this post, he's having the first round of hiccups I've experienced yet. My son had them all the time, so we'll see if this little guy is going to take after his brother in that regard.

Not much else to report this week. I hope I find some more energy soon.

It's been a hell of a year

November 14, 2011.  I knew the inevitable was coming.  We had been told almost a week earlier that our baby's heartbeat was gone.  I had been spotting for a couple days.  I was somewhere between numb and devastated and terrified, as I still had yet to go through the actual physical miscarriage.

I wrote this blog post exactly one year ago today.  That quote became the tag line for my entire blog.  "You are not sad just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."

Being 30 weeks pregnant on this heartbreaking anniversary makes a lot of things better.  But that overwhelming sadness and devastation is still there.  The emotional pain.  The physical pain.  Some days it feels like it was a lifetime ago.  And then some days it still hurts like it was yesterday - in a way so deep it almost doesn't make sense.

Holy bananas

Literally. My breakfast every morning is a green smoothie. Lots of spinach, a banana, some almonds, and then whatever else I feel like that day. But those 3 ingredients are staples.

Yesterday my mom was in town so I made pancakes for everyone for breakfast and skipped my smoothie.

Never never never again in the next 10 weeks will I go a full day without a banana again. My leg cramps were so debilitating last night that I was up every 90 minutes pacing around the room - trying desperately to find a way to stand or lean such that neither my calves or shins were spasming.

OUCH. I feel like I ran a marathon over night.

29 Weeks (and a couple days)

Holy cow. This will be my last update for the twenties. This pregnancy is really close to 3/4 over.

Baby boy is the size of a butternut squash right now (or at least he should be). We'll find out more at our 30 week ultrasound on Thursday. But estimated weight is currently 2.5 pounds and estimated length is currently about 15 inches. Reality check? If baby brother is the same size as big brother, he will grow over 7 more pounds and 7 more inches in the next 11 weeks!!!! I had a very vivid dream that baby brother was born the other night and weighed 10lb 3oz. (Big brother was 9lb 10oz.) I hope my dream was WAY off!

Not whole lot to report this week. We are all finally healthy in our house. Nursery continues to come along, although obviously a lot more slowly than it started in October when my son was still in school. While there are still many little projects I want to do, the only big things left are getting the crib (coming from my brother and sister-in-law) and getting baby stuff up from the basement. I'm happy with that considering we still have 2 1/2 months left.

I am a little anxious about our ultrasound Thursday. If you read my last post, you know that I am constantly worried about my weight gain. Well for the first time ever in pregnancy I'm worried about a problem I NEVER thought I would have. I'm losing weight. Down 2 pounds since my weight post . . . Was that even a week ago? As long as baby is growing okay, this is not a bad thing. But I can't stop thinking about that elevated AFP result being a possible indicator of 3rd trimester growth restriction. Needless to say, I'm relieved to be with the MFM group and relieved to have another ultrasound to check growth this week.

In baby news - he's still very nameless. Not even a couple front runners for what we might name him. And he is CRAZY. My son got comfortable very very early - by 28 weeks he was head down and stayed that way. This little one is obviously not comfortable or else will be a future gymnast. I am not kidding when I say that one minute I am being kicked in the ribs, the next minute he's using my cervix as a trampoline. The rib kicks are not at all comfortable (and will only get a lot more painful) . . . But the cervix jumping - OH MY GOSH IT'S TIME FOR THAT NONSENSE TO STOP.

I know it's still very early to hope he will go head down and stay that way. Many babies don't go head down until the very end, and of course some never go head down. This is just not something I experienced in my first pregnancy and is more painful than I ever imagined. But as I said to my husband yesterday - ALL movement is good movement and I'm thankful that he always seems to be doing something inside to remind me he's okay.

Hopefully I'll get another belly picture done soon. I'm getting really large!

Weight - Does it matter?

Just a couple days before 29 weeks I've been struggling with this question. There seem to be 2 schools of thought. 1) A woman should be healthy during pregnancy and whatever weight gain results is okay. 2) Women starting pregnancy overweight should gain as little weight as possible with some medical recommendations falling between 0-15 pounds.

I really struggle with the second recommendation, even if I do fall into the more relaxed 15-25 pound recommendation category. (A women starting at average weight falls into the 25-35 pound category.) How can you tell pregnant women to be healthy, to eat enough, to not go hungry, and to not diet - knowing on average these women are growing 7-8 pound babies and increasing blood volume by 50% . . . yet somehow expect anyone to gain 0-15 pounds in that 40 week period???

Eating and pregnancy is not easy. There are insane cravings. There are restrictions on what you can eat and drink. There is hunger - serious hunger at times - even when you've eaten just an hour before.

I wish I was that cute pregnant woman who started and ended pregnancy as a size 4 without having to worry about weight. I am not.

Confession: I gained 60 pounds with my son. Yes, SIX-ZERO. Realistically that was about 50 pounds of pregnancy weight and 10 pounds of water/swelling in the last couple of days (literally). But it was still 60 freakin pounds.

It was horrifying. Did I gain 60 pounds because my child was 25% larger than an average baby? Or was my son large because I gained too much weight? Was the Brewers diet to blame? (A pregnancy "diet" recommended in our child birth class that recommended a minimum of 100 grams of protein a day.) Was the hypoglycemia to blame where I was eating every 60-90 minutes to keep from passing out?

Who knows. (FTR, I am NOT doing the Brewers diet this time.)

I just know that for as much as people talk about pregnancy as a beautiful time, for those of us who struggle with weight - the miracle of growing a life is beautiful. The body that comes with it, not so much.

So far, weight wise, this pregnancy has been dramatically different.

- Up to 12 weeks: 3 pound gain (Fine.)
- 12-21 weeks: 7 pound gain (Not horrible, but more than I should gain in that period for my 15-25 pound overall recommendation.)
- 21-25 weeks: 7 pounds ?!?!?! Holy shit. NOT GOOD. What on Earth? Again, who knows. I certainly wasn't suddenly eating potato chips and ice cream all day.
- 25-29 weeks: 0 pounds ?!?!?! Honestly, just as perplexing to me as 21-25 weeks. I haven't changed much of anything with my diet.

Total so far at 29 weeks: 17 pounds. I feel "okay" about this. To be ~75% of the way through pregnancy, I'm at least confident that I won't end up gaining 60 pounds this time. I'm also fairly confident that I'll end up over the original 15-25 pound recommendation set out for me (since that only leaves me 8 pounds in the last 11 weeks).

So back to my original question - does it matter? I'm not sure. I just wish it wasn't something I worried about. In the zillion other things I have to worry about with getting this little guy here healthy and safe, how big my ass is getting shouldn't be one of them.

28 weeks

I can say with a straight face that I have no idea how big baby boy is supposed to be at this point. In fact other than his constant thumping and the fact that he's making me pee myself a lot, I wouldn't even know I'm pregnant right now.

I can tell you that I was up from 12am until 5am yesterday with tears streaming down my face from the inability to breath, the relentless cough (and peeing), and what felt to be 6 or 7 RAGING toothaches all in my upper back molars. I swear on my life I felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my mouth. WTF??? My husband had to take off work just to take me to my appointment yesterday (which was a standard checkup + gestational diabetes test).

Turns out I have a severe sinus infection. Now, I've been diagnosed with sinus infections before and to me they've always felt like a bad head cold. I have never in my life had mouth or facial pain so severe that I cry for 5 hours straight in the middle of the night.

Turns out that if your maxillary sinuses get infected and swollen enough they will actually protrude into the roots of your teeth. Holy hell. I can not begin to describe the pain.

So knowing that if the infection has been caused by a virus that antibiotics won't help, I scored myself a healthy dose of them anyway. Doctor says they won't hurt (I am by no means an antibiotic junkie) and for this type of infection at this stage of pregnancy that I need to cover all treatment bases.

So here I am, 2 doses into my treatment and I feel better. Better is relative. My teeth (and face) still hurt. But more like I ate too much sugar and less like I've been bludgeoned in the face with a 2x4.

Oh and the toddler who has been off an on sick for over a week . . . I got him to the doctor today. Raging ear infection. Poor kid. I've been too sick to even realize that he was *that* sick.

So we are both suitably drugged and hopefully will be better soon.

And that's what I have to say about being 28 weeks pregnant. :(