It's beating

We have a heartbeat.  We have an embryo measuring 6w3d (1 day ahead of my estimate) and a heartbeat of 121bpm.  And, to make this ultrasound absolutely perfect, my RE was the one doing the scan today.  We didn't pick her practice, we picked her.  She is the most amazing, comforting, reassuring doctor I have ever met.  She is unfortunately leaving the practice, so that means I'll be looking for a new RE should I continue to need one, but it was so wonderful to have her do the ultrasound this morning.

Within seconds of starting the ultrasound she turned the machine so we could see and pointed everything out to us.  It's really hard to distinguish the embryo at this point from the edge of yolk sac, but sure enough it was there with a wonderful little flickering heart.

At that point we talked about my previous losses.  Standard protocol is that they would release me to my regular doctors after this ultrasound, but my regular doctors will not do another ultrasound until the NT scan at ~12 weeks.  She said that seemed like a terribly long time to wait for another check on the baby and asked if I would feel better having one more ultrasound next week.  Um, YES!!!!!!!  I asked if she was sure that was okay and she said it was absolutely okay.  Unfortunately, she won't be doing the scans next week, but getting to check in on everything one more time seems like a good idea to me.

So that's where we are.  Still a LONG way to go with a ton of critical development to happen before I really start to breathe easier (after all, there was a heartbeat last time too).  But mornings like this give me hope.  Having a wonderful doctor who understands the anxiety and is willing to help me find some peace in the midst of all of this craziness is truly a blessing.  I couldn't have asked for anything more today.

(And I got home from the appointment to find out that my toddler asked to use the potty and then actually used it?!?!?!  I definitely wasn't expecting that news today and am soooooo not prepared to potty train!)

Working in Bed Today

If I didn't work from home, I would have called in sick today.  Since I do work from home, I'm moving my work from my desk to my bed.  I am scared to death for my ultrasound tomorrow and I feel pretty crummy too.  Emotionally and physically I don't have much to contribute to the world today.  Luckily I have some work documentation to do that can be done very effectively from the comfort of my bed.

And BTW, I did take the toddler to the pool yesterday afternoon and it was a blast.  He had so much fun. And for the most part I didn't feel too sick - except when he made me go down the spiral slide with him over and over and over.  But the quality fun time with him was more than worth it and really made my day.  :)

Gotta get it together . . .

You know what I didn't have with all day sickness in my first pregnancy?  A wild and crazy 2 1/2 year old.  I work a super early shift and promised my kid if he was nice today that we would go to the pool when he woke up from nap.  And he truly was on his best behavior for our nanny all day today.  Any chance he'll forget that promise and just let me lay on the couch all afternoon?  No, I didn't think so either.

I gotta get my sh*t together . . . I am so thankful to be feeling pregnant, I just need to figure out how to actually do this again.

6 weeks

As you know if you read last night's post, I'm 6 weeks pregnant today.  I'm still scared shitless.  I find myself crying a lot over stupid stuff.  And I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or if it's just fear and anxiety.  Probably a combination of both.  And I stumbled across this quote on the internet this morning and it made me cry even more:

"People cry, not because they are weak.  It's because they've been strong for too long."

And I feel like I am running out of strength . . . in a marathon that has only just begun.  I want to go back to bed and start over again tomorrow.

Hello Pregnancy

Oh pregnancy, how I have missed you. Of course I have been pregnant more times than most people, but 4 out of the 5 times I've been pregnant, I've only felt pregnant for a couple of days and if it weren't for pregnancy tests, I wouldn't even know I was pregnant. I've only felt pregnant once in my life and that was with my son, 3 years ago.

Until now.

I will be 6 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I would link my post from the last pregnancy at 6 weeks, but I'm blogging on my phone. I vividly recall saying that I wish I felt worse, that my very early symptoms were all but gone.

6 weeks in this pregnancy is an entirely different blog post. I've felt terrible all weekend. I've had to concentrate a couple of times just to keep my food down. I am nauseated almost all day - particularly when it's been too long since I've eaten. I'm ravenous constantly despite the nausea. And out of the blue today I NEEDED a meatball sub from Subway so bad that I could not stomach the idea of anything else. (Thank goodness there is a Subway close by, and thank goodness they were open on Memorial Day. I ate it all and it was wonderful. But gross. I never want their meatball subs. What is that all about?) My boobs are beyond sore - a type of sore I didn't even know could exist anymore after breastfeeding a child for a year. And the exhaustion. Oh the exhaustion. I'm a little concerned about how I'm going to work this week because I need a nap just hours after waking up.

What does all of this mean? Well honestly, not much medically. Plenty of people have pregnancy symptoms and still miscarry. But emotionally, this is helping me get through. It feels like my body is doing something right this time. This feels like the misery I recall with my son. And as awful as it is, it is keeping me from laying in bed at night convinced that this pregnancy is destined to fail . . . So in a weird and twisted way, I'm enjoying it. I just hope it continues. Because if I wake up one day and suddenly these symptoms are gone, then I'm going to have a hard time convincing myself that everything is okay . . .

10,801

The nurse just called with my blood work from this morning.  10,801.  Continuing to double faster than every 48 hours.  Combine that with the ultrasound this morning and everything looks perfect right now.  And so I'm crying.  Because hope is creeping back into this equation.  And I'm scared to death.

Well that's a relief

We have a gestational sac, a yolk sac, and what the doctor is 99% certain is the very very first sign of an embryo.

One thing to note - Based on my blood work and the overall look of things, it does not appear to be ectopic, but that can not be ruled out for certain until the sac and embryo grow more. (This is a little perplexing to me as I thought they could distinguish these things super early...but that's what he said.)

They took more blood this morning and based on those levels, they will determine the next course of action . . . Most likely an ultrasound next week to look for a heartbeat.

To write, or not to write

I really only started sharing this blog 3-4 months ago. And in that time it's had a ton of visitors. More than my photography blog ever got. And it has gotten almost as many visits as my personal family blog that has been up and running for 4 years. That's kinda crazy. I want people to read - it's the closest I can come to sharing my experience. (Although SUPER close family and friends don't know it exists. Sometimes it is too raw for what I want them to know about. I don't need my phone ringing every time I have a bad day.) But in some ways I feel like that's changing what I may say. And I don't want that to happen. This is my journal - my outlet - my words I have typed with tears streaming down my face on more occasions than I can even begin to recollect.

So let this be a disclaimer - no matter what the outcome, the next few weeks and months are going to be crazy. I will either have to deal with my 5th loss or live in constant fear that at any moment I am going to have to deal with my 5th loss. It's going to be a mind-fuck like nothing I have ever been through. I don't blame anyone if they want to stop reading through all of this. But I am asking that if you keep reading not to judge me for my lack of sanity. I am coping the best way I know how, and some days are better than others.

So with all of that being said, I am not coping well today . . . I am a fucking disaster about tomorrow. A complete fucking disaster, and I have no idea how to cope with this type of stress for what could be weeks or months. I feel completely emotionally incapable of tackling this pregnancy and just want something (ANYTHING) in this fucked up journey we are on to go our way. :(

Tomorrow, tomorrow . . .

A quick run down of prenatal development for what we should and might see tomorrow . . . 

• Very late in the 4th week and with beta levels ranging between 1,000 and 2,000 - An intra-uterine gestational sac should be present.  Absence of a sac is indicative of a chemical pregnancy.  A sac located anywhere other than the uterus is non-viable.

• By the middle of the 5th week - A yolk sac will become visible.  (A small sac within the gestational sac.)  This is the earliest source of nutrients for the embryo.

• By the end of the 5th week - A fetal pole should be present.  This is the first visible structure of the embryo.

• By the very end of the 5th week or very early in the 6th week and with beta levels above 6,000 - a fetal heartbeat should be seen.  

I *think* I will be 5 weeks and 2 days tomorrow.  But that number could be off by +/- 2 days based on the uncertainty of my chart this month.  And at it's last check (a week ago) my beta level was 846 - very conservatively speaking my level should be well over 3,000 by now.  So we absolutely NEED to see the gestational sac tomorrow.  I KNOW how these things work.  If we don't see a sac, they will tell us that our dates might be off and to come back again next week.  I have yet to get good news from one of these "maybe you are earlier than you think you are" diagnoses (and I've had a couple now).  So seeing an intra-uterine sac tomorrow is critical for my sanity.  Technically it *could* be too early to see a gestational sac, but realistically speaking I got a positive pregnancy test 2 weeks ago - I am at least 5 weeks pregnant and there should be a sac there.

Anything more than a gestational sac at this point is just icing on the cake.  I would love to see a yolk sac or even a fetal pole, but simple science says that I should not get my hopes up about either.  

5 weeks

Is it just me or does it seem like I've been pregnant forever already?  This is really the point where I kick myself in the ass for testing so early.  I've known that I've been pregnant for almost 2 weeks now - and I'm only 5 weeks pregnant today (give or take a day or two since my temperatures weren't clear this month).

I'm feeling okay.  I *think* I might be starting to feel pregnant.  But it's hard to say.  I remember last time I felt completely totally normal - which worried me.  I remember feeling much much worse with my first (and only successful) pregnancy.  I'm not feeling horrible or normal right now.  I'm taking that as a good sign.  Because God knows I need even just the tiniest pieces of anything to hold onto right now.

I'm trying to emotionally prepare myself for Thursday morning.  Realistically speaking, there will either be bad news or more news that requires us to wait and see.  There will either be no sac (chemical pregnancy) or a sac outside of the uterus (ectopic pregnancy) or an intra-uterine sac.  But there will be no baby at this stage.  So the best we can hope for is a sac in the right place and another week (or maybe even more) of waiting to see if the baby will develop and if it's heart will start beating.  

There will be more bloodwork on Thursday as well.  And it obviously won't tell us what the outcome of this pregnancy will be either, but it will be another piece to this complex puzzle of figuring out how things are starting out for us.

Perspective

Back in my younger days, I had a group of female friends I hung out with - wives and girlfriends of my ex-fiance.  None of these ladies were ever close friends of mine, but we did spend a fair bit of time together.  One of the women was having a very long and difficult struggle with infertility.  As some of these women went on to get pregnant, the woman struggling with infertility never came to any of the baby showers for the other women and just very obviously tried to avoid them in general.  I was naive and stupid.  I felt bad for the pregnant women.  I thought the woman struggling with infertility was being selfish.  How could she not be happy for her friends???

Oh, how young and stupid I was.

I have been sitting on a baby shower invite for about a week now.  The RSVP date getting closer and closer.  The woman is a fairly good friend of mine.  I *should* go to her baby shower.  I *want* to be able to go to her baby shower.  But I can't.  I can not sit in a room full of women who are oohing and ahhing over precious baby things and not be constantly reminded that I have lost 4 pregnancies and I may very well have another dead baby inside.  This is her day for her precious baby, and at this point, I would be able to add nothing to the happiness at all.  I am so insanely happy for her.  I just have emotions that I can't handle.  So I'm not going.

And now I have become that really crappy selfish friend.  Isn't it funny how life changes your perspective on things?  And by "funny" I mean fucked up and depressing.

In my head

My mind races a million miles an hour and I can not articulate any of the thoughts in isolation. But it goes something like this...

Iamnotfeelingenoughsymptoms.Chilloutfreakyouarenoteven5weekspregnant.Thereisnowaythispregnancywillwork.Thereisnowayourluckcanbebadenoughtoloseanotherone.Iwanttopeeonanothertesttoseehowdarkthelineis.Nothatscrazy.WhatiftheyseenothingonThursday.IshouldpreparemyselfforseeingnothingonThurday.OMGThursdayisamillionhoursaway.IfthisisanothermiscarriageIcantdothisagain.Iamcrazy.Andneurotic.AndthereisnowayIwillevergetanotherlivingchild.IguessIdontdeserveanotherlivingchild.Ifeellikecrying.GreatnowImcrying.Pullyourselftogetherandstopcrying.

:repeat indefinitely:

And it never ends. Never.

Stay calm

Second beta is 846!  Doubling time of 42 hours which is excellent.  Time to take a long deep breath and wait another 7 days . . . More blood work and our first ultrasound will be on Thursday.   Unfortunately I will be approximately 5w3d at that point and it will be too early to see much other than a sac.  So I doubt  I will have that much to report next week.  Although hopefully I will have some sky-high blood results.

I am constantly reminding myself that my numbers were great last time.  In fact, when you look at my 16dpo and 18dpo numbers they are strikingly close to my 15dpo and 17dpo number this time.  I know this is a new pregnancy and it's not destined to have the same outcome as the last one.  But I also know that good numbers don't always mean good things.  So I'm trying to be optimistic without really getting too excited.  It's a hard line to walk . . .

It's Thursday

Well, it's been one week since I saw that very first faint pink line. It almost makes me laugh to see that first picture - last time I tested the test line came up so fast and darker than the control. I actually still have a few tests in the house and didn't take on this morning - it's out of my hands at this point. No number of pregnancy tests are going to make this happen or not.

And with that, I'm off for my second beta . . . Update to come by 2pm.

Time

So my boss is out of the office for the rest of the week. And I'm at a particular point in my work month where there is a lull while I wait for some stuff from other people to roll in. And I can't think of anything worse for me right now than to have this time on my hands. I seriously feel like I just watch the clock and it doesn't move. Sigh.

But I did buy a super cute Kate Spade bag today on huge sale. My husband even blessed the purchase. (He knows what he needs to do for me right now!)

Off to a Good Start!

386!!! Very happy with that number. I had told myself that I would be happy with anything over 100. Lather, rinse, repeat on Thursday.

Deep breath

2+ hours of getting to and from my doctor's office this morning - totally worth it . . . They do same day results and I will know something between 11 and 2 today.

And then, of course, we repeat Thursday. I'm a bit anxious to know today's number, but Thursday's number is really the one that means something.

You'd think that by now I would be more patient at this elaborate torturing mind game . . .

I'm scared.

I think that says it all right now. Vulnerable, anxious, and scared.

More Waiting

Darn it! I should have called Friday! Even though they won't do blood work until AF is late, they only do betas between 7-8am every day. So I'll be going in tomorrow morning. What's another 24 hours, right?

Now I have to figure out logistics of getting into the city by that time of the morning and coordinate childcare . . .

Still Here. Still Pregnant.

Tests getting darker. Calling my doctor as soon as they open.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The problem with testing early (I think I'm ~11dpo, but not exactly sure) is that I have another 3 days until my period is officially late which is the earliest my RE will do bloodwork. I am going to try, very hard, to enjoy this weekend. I am going out of town with my son to spend the weekend with my mom and my sister-in-law and her kids. I am going to make this weekend about Mother's Day for the perfect little boy I already have.

And then worry to death over bloodwork next week . . .

Here we go. Again.

So I won't lie - I had a super faint line on a Wondfo yesterday. Too faint to really see that well. And I didn't even get excited about it. I've been down this road before and those super duper barely there faint lines don't mean much to me anymore. Today, it's still faint, and it may not be that noticeable in pictures but it very obviously has 2 pink lines on it.



Pregnancy number 6. Let the roller coaster begin.

P.S. I've shared this blog with many people in the last several months. At the time I announced the last pregnancy, I think there were only 2 or 3 people who knew about this blog. This is my forum for my own sanity, so if you know me in real life, this is our little secret for now. Thanks.

Edited after the fact to say: OMG, I am a photographer and I appalled at the white balance of that image. The perfectionist in me wants to warm it up significantly and repost it.  But I will resist the insanity.

Things I Can Not Control

My cycles since the miscarriage are all sorts of fucked up. I keep saying that each cycle is more and more odd than the previous one and each new cycle makes that more and more true. I have no idea what's going on this cycle. No earthly clue. I think I O'd a couple days ago. Don't know for sure though. Whatever. Some things in life you can control, and some things you can't.

Speaking of things out of my control. My nanny told us today that she is moving back to SC in July. So I have 2 months to find child care for our son. I guess 2 months is better than the alternative - she could have given us 2 weeks. But I don't like transition and I don't like things I can't control.

Blah.