Some days are better than others

Today is a bad day. I checked an old email account to learn that an old friend who I have lost touch with was still emailing me there. So I reached out to him just to say hi and that I don't use that email address anymore. It's been years since we've chatted.

He wrote me back right away to tell me he's married and has 2 little girls and a little boy due any day now.

And suddenly I just felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I couldn't breath. I was so jealous and sad and angry.

Why does it have to be this way? Why? Why? Why?

CD 1 and a few miscellaneous thoughts

1) I don't know what I weigh right now, but know that I've gained back at least 2 of the 14 I lost. That nonsense stops this week!

2) Today is 15dpo making AF EXACTLY on time with a 14 day LP based on my guess at when I ovulated. Fertiityfriend might have an algorithm based on thousands of charts, but it is not always right.

3) I'm glad AF is on time so I don't think more about what may have been going on this month.

4) We are going to be ready this month and not miss the game again if I O on CD 15 again!

With 99% certainty, I can say . . .

. . . I'm out this month. ~13dpo and a negative test this morning. Of course, it's never completely over until the bitch shows up, but having a line that gradually got darker then lighter (even if at it's darkest was still very faint) . . . well, really that's a chemical pregnancy. However, I'm not going there and calling this a 5th loss. Most people would have never even known they were pregnant, and more importantly - it doesn't feel like a loss to me. At all. It feels like something may have been about to happen and then didn't. And that's very very different than what I've been through before. And oddly enough, I feel pretty good today.

I stopped my progesterone this morning, so if last month is any indication, AF will show up sometime Sunday.

Onto the next cycle . . .

More of the same

99% sure this is another chemical pregnancy at this point. Since I've been seeing faint lines for 2 days now. After 2 days, they should be darker. I'm not giving up all hope, but I'm certainly not optimistic.

I also won't classify this as a definitive CP unless I get a test dark enough that my husband can see the line . . . Because he seems to be a much better at judging that with a reasonable level of scrutiny.

In the meantime, I am going to TRY . . . try really really super hard . . . not to test again until Friday morning. If I can go 48 hours without testing, that will be a big deal for me! Friday is when I should be testing anyway - to see if I come off of, or stay on the progesterone.

So wish me some relaxation over the next 48 hours. :)

Crap on a cracker, I'm at a crossroads . . .

There are lines that are darker than yesterday's. Darker meaning just ever so slightly pink now instead of just not being completely white. They are still faint enough that I would not venture to call them "positive." They are still faint enough that most people would think I was insane. But I'm fairly convinced this is no longer in my head.

So there are 2 directions to go from here.

1) STOP THE TESTING MADNESS! Let this shake out however it is going to shake out on it's own. In 2 days the line will either be much darker or it won't. Testing every 3 hours out of the next 48 isn't going to help calm my nerves.

2) Keep up with the insanity to prove whether or not this is really another chemical pregnancy or not. Which will be nothing more than another stupid piece of this ridiculous equation, but another doctor may find it relevant.

At this point, I really don't think this is our cycle and I really don't feel pregnant. Nor do I expect another pregnancy to work. So, I don't think there will be too much emotional devastation with option 2. But I also think that could make for a really long and cranky couple of days.

Either way, the next 48-72 hours will be interesting to say the least.

Still not sure.

Morning update - not much to report. Still not definitive either way.

Faint lines are going to be the death of me . . .

Faint lines have been my subject twice before. Once starting the last pregnancy, here. And once ending it, here.

DAMN FAINT LINES MAKE ME CRAZY. Today I am 9dpo, or 7 or 8 or 10 . . . don't really know, but let's go with 9dpo. (See previous post for clarification.) And there are faint lines EVERYWHERE. Specifically 3 Wondfos and 2 FRERs. Did I just admit that I peed on 5 pregnancy tests today? I warned you I was crazy. And they all have these hints of marks where a second line is supposed to be. Not definite enough to be positive tests, but definite enough that I feel like they aren't negative either . . . especially since there have been 5 of them.

Obviously, this could be the start of something good. Or it could be that I'm just a crazy nut case convincing myself that lines exist where there are none. Or it could be another chemical pregnancy. Only the next few days will give an indication of which way this might go. If these tests never get darker, I'm just going to tell myself I'm crazy, because I think that's easier mentally to think about than another chemical pregnancy. But we will see what tomorrow and the next day bring . . .

And just in case you are wondering - I can go an entire cycle and never see a hint of a faint line. Last month, I tested quite a bit and studied and stared at every test and there was NOTHING. Stark white. So I really don't make up the lines. I just am way way way too good at seeing the first signs of that stark white being not so stark white anymore. (The curse of my photography hobby - a ridiculously keen eye for variations of white.)

And for the record, I'm not at all hopeful about this. Not only did I O way early in this cycle for optimal baby making, but I also do not feel pregnant at all. I'm on the progesterone which makes me tired, makes my boobs sore, and increases my appetite - but it did that last month too. I have zero reason to have confidence that this is our cycle.

More to follow - tomorrow . . .

Whisky Tango Foxtrot???

Um, WTF? Did I actually say that last month's cycle was the weirdest ever? Oops, I did. Let me retract that. This month's cycle has been the weirdest ever. In over 18 months of charting, with the exception of the couple cycles I was on acupuncture, I always ovulate between days 17-20. Always, always, always. On acupuncture that could be day 15 or 16, but I was only on acupuncture for 3 cycles and only charted 2 of them.

Needless to say, when you ovulate somewhere between day 17-20, days 13-21 are pretty important for making an effort. So when all signs pointed towards O on CD 14, I felt like we really missed out on the opportunity this month. But here's where it gets more odd . . . I don't know when I ovulated and that, in the history of my charting, has never happened. And I am a control freak. I need to know exactly how many dpo I am, and the uncertainty is kinda making me nutty . . . even though I really do think we missed this month.

In an attempt to share my uncertainty with the world, here's what we have:

Possibility #1:


Based on the traditional fertility awareness method, I ovulated on CD 14. The traditional FAM relies primarily on temperatures (with CM factoring in a bit too) - and as soon as you have 3 temperatures that average out to being higher than the previous 6 temperatures, it is assumed that you have ovulated. I definitely had a temperature jump on CD 15 that maintained itself for 3 days before I started the progesterone.

Problems with this theory? I still had fertile CM the following day. Not nearly as much as I had on CD14, but it was still there. And the OPK I had on CD14 was insanely dark . . . and that usually happens 12-36 hours before ovulation.

Possibility #2:


Based strictly on ovulation predictor kits, I would have ovulated approximately 24 hours after my first positive OPK making ovulation on CD 15.

Problems with this theory? Well OPKs are only indicators that ovulation may be about to occur. The only real way to confirm that it did occur is with temperatures and this method doesn't factor in temperatures at all.

Possibility #3:


This is based on very new technology on the fertilityfriend.com website using their latest up-and-coming algorithms. It is supposed to factor in all signs of fertility AND use more "beta type" algorithms that haven't fully been rolled out to their main method of calculation. According to this I ovulated on CD 16. I definitely did have a temperature jump on CD17 that was also before I started progesterone.

Problems with this theory? Well my OPK the day before was negative, and you wouldn't get a negative OPK the day before ovulation and a positive OPK 2 days before ovulation.

Possibility #4:


This is based on the standard fertilityfriend.com algorithm that they strongly recommend everyone use for their calculations. According to this I ovulated on CD 17.

Problems with this theory? Their calculator is CLEARLY on crack of some sort. The only thing I can reason is that they are putting a heavy weighting on my ovulation history. My positive OPK was 3 days before that, I had a negative OPK 2 days before. I also had a break in my fertile CM. Now I realize having fertile CM on CD 17 could be causing this interpretation, but I have that after ovulation in most of my cycles. Also, let's look at the temperatures. My CD 18, my temps had been climbing for DAYS. I find this theory slightly stupid.

What does this all mean? I dunno. I'm somewhere between 6-8dpo right now. I'm completely ruling out option 4 - I know my body and that's not possible. I guess I'll say I'm 7dpo. The OPK and the sore boobs would strongly lean towards theory #2 and that puts me right in the middle of the other options.

But man, oh man. What a weird freakin month.

3 Years Ago, Today

March 9, 2009. CD1 in our first ever TTC cycle. I was excited. I was nervous. What if we got pregnant right away? Were we really ready? What if we weren't able to get pregnant and this was the start of a painful journey?

On March 9, 2009 I had no idea that we'd get our BFP that very first cycle and bring our perfect child into the world 9 months later. That cycle and that experience were truly a perfect miracle like no other.

Of course, I also had no idea that the next 3 years would bring 5 pregnancies and 4 losses. A pain that many days I still don't know how to handle. So here I am, 3 years later, weeping for the babies I should have and the uncertainty about whether there will ever be another one.

But in all the sadness, and all the pain, I have my little boy - and I am forever and eternally grateful.