Major Panic/Anxiety Attack - Time to Call the Doctor

First of all - yikes Blogger! What on Earth is this new dashboard? Ick! It's horrible . . .

As I clearly had no problem expressing, the two week wait in the last cycle was really hard for me. Physically (from the progesterone) and emotionally (who knows from what). And now the last couple days, I feel like I am having one big panic attack. What do I do about putting my toddler into school? What do I do about our nanny? What if I lose my job in August? What if my nanny quits before I have a plan? What if I end up staying at home and am not cut out to stay at home? What if I screw up my child? What if we get pregnant again? What if we don't? And no matter what I do, I can not keep every effing thought from racing through my head so fast that I feel like I can't breathe. I am just waiting for my husband to get home so someone can hug me while I cry.

My son is 2, this is nothing that will alter his life as a human being. If I put him in school and get rid of our nanny he will be fine. If I lose my job and we have to get rid of our nanny he will be fine. If our nanny quits and I don't have a plan he will be fine. If everything stays the exact same for another year and he doesn't go to school in 2012 he will be fine.

Then there is the jogging stroller. Yes, a panic attack over a jogging stroller. Should I buy it? Should I not buy it? If I buy it and don't use it, I will be mad. If I don't buy it, then there is no way I can exercise outside until my husband gets home from work (which is usually too late). What if I buy it and want to use it and the kid hates riding in it? IT'S JUST A FUCKING JOGGING STROLLER. I SHOULD NOT FEEL SO ANXIOUS ABOUT SUCH A STUPID DECISION.

And don't get me started on the photography business that requires a million decisions.

I think I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. It is not normal to feel this way. Not normal at all. :(

Onto 2013

No big surprise - AF showed up today. I stopped my progesterone a full day early because it was truly messing with my head. 24 hours later, symptoms were gone, another day later my temp dropped, and now AF is here and we have come full circle . . . yet again.

I don't really know what to say. Patience on the TTC journey is never something I've had to have too much of, because getting pregnant has always been pretty fast for us. I suppose there is a bright side . . . If I'm not pregnant, I can't miscarry, right?

And with that being the highlight of my week, I think I'll just stop there. :(

Why am I being tortured?

Okay tortured isn't the right word. Tortured is when they tell your your baby is dead and a week later it's still inside. But this is close.

I FEEL SO F*CKING PREGNANT I WANT TO SCREAM!!! I keep telling myself it's the progesterone, but this cycle has symptoms infinitely more severe than the last two. I told my husband tonight, I'd bet $5 that a pregnancy test right now would be positive . . .

Oh yeah, except it's negative.

This is horrible enough that, assuming I'm not pregnant, I may cycle next month without the progesterone and start it only if I get pregnant. My doctor is fine with either use of progesterone, but there may be some benefit to taking it during the 2 week wait and "it can't hurt." Factoring out sanity of course. We'll see, I need to do more research.

3 more days til AF.

Holy freakin cramps

These cramps are like nothing I have ever experienced at 9dpo. It's either a very good sign or else it means the progesterone is affecting me severely.

This is some ridiculous crap to go through if this cycle is a BFN. Not sure how I'm gonna sleep through this...

8dpo. I hate 8dpo.

Too early to test, but not to early to feel annoyingly pregnant.

I feel like everything this month is more severe than in the previous 2 cycles with progesterone. The exhaustion, the cramps, the sore boobs, the emotions. But yeah, most likely just the progesterone playing tricks on me.

Oh, and I CAN'T FREAKIN SLEEP. I am so tired ALL day long. And then I get in bed and lay there awake for HOURS. I've been having horrible dreams and I just don't want to fall asleep. I.am.so.tired. :(

Faith

Wow, 2 posts in one day - that's very rare around here for such a boring time in my cycle. But I'm angry, and I'm emotional, and I'm tired.

Why is it that "people of faith" feel the need to push that on others? Why have I not been able to go onto any of the forums that I find relative comfort lately without someone using their miscarriage as a way to spread "the Lord's Word?" I know why. Because it's Good Friday and Easter weekend, and yadda yadda yadda.

I grew up in an extraordinarily Christian home. Extreme to the point that I knew I didn't want to live my life that way. Somewhere deep down in the core of who I am I have always believed in God but I have also never been able to really wrap my mind around how humans - as sinners - have twisted his word to their own benefit.

How many wars in this world have been started in the name of religion? That's not God, that's a very warped interpretation of God.

The God I believe in is a loving, compassionate God. He is a protector. In my life right now, he is nowhere to be found.

There is nothing that boils my blood more than hearing that miscarriages are God's will. Or that they are God's way of testing your faith. REALLY? Take that BULLSHIT and blow it out of your ass. If that makes YOU feel better about YOUR miscarriage then that's great. We all get through in our own way. But do not imply that my God did this to me on purpose. If that were true for even a second, then he is not a God who I want. And that's the truth. Any God who would test someone's faith in this way is not loving or compassionate nor a protector.

Somewhere along the way, whether it was the emotional devastation of 4 losses, or the painful labors of my 2 miscarriages, or the HORRIFYING act of seeing the "products of conception" floating in the toilet and having to bring myself to physically flush my babies away into a sewage system not once but twice, my faith got flushed away with them. The vision of those horrific things that I flushed still haunt me in dreams. And when it's not dreams about that, it's dreams about losing the next pregnancy. Horrific to the point that I get in bed at night and can't go to sleep because I am so terrified of what I see in my sleep. NO GOD WOULD DO THIS TO ANYONE.

Please do not worry about my soul. My mother reminds me that she prays for it daily. My soul needs something right now that this God everyone talks about is not willing to give me. I need comfort, assurance, peace, serenity, hope. If God does have a hand in this equation then he is the one who has taken those things from me. And why would I ever want to have faith in a God who does that?

Friday randomness . . .

It's Friday, I'm 4dpo and progesterone is kicking my rear end. Exhaustion and sore boobs at 4dpo . . . it's just wrong in so many ways. But I try not to complain or dwell because it will be more than worth it if it helps sustain the next pregnancy. (That is, of course, if "the next pregnancy" ever exists.)

My chart is pretty this month, and that may sound crazy, but seriously I haven't had a chart with a clear and fast post O temp rise in a LONG time . . . over a year maybe? I always either have a "slow rise" or a "fall back" rise which means my temps don't really jump for several days or they jump then fall before they jump again. Supposedly neither a slow rise or a fall back rise are indicative of hormonal imbalance, but it sure is nice to look at a chart where I feel like everything is working in a more textbook fashion this month.

Big weekend plans - taking the toddler to a truck show and doing a maternity photo shoot for friends. I'm glad I won't just be sitting around this weekend wondering if I'm pregnant or not.

Testing will start sometime next week. In a perfect world, I'd wait until 13dpo - which is when I have to test to determine if I need to stop the progesterone. Reality is, I have a zillion wondfo tests under the bathroom sink that cost about 20 cents each . . . so the likelihood that I won't test until 13dpo is slim, zero, and none.

And here I am, wishing another 2 weeks of my life away . . . just hoping the days will pass quickly so I can have an answer one way or another. Really not an ideal way to exist. :(

It's going to be a LONG 2 week wait . . .

Well I'm 2dpo - which means if I got pregnant this cycle and it was dated by ovulation (as opposed to LMP), I'd be due on December 24th. I can't help but feel different about this cycle than the last two. Our timing was good. I feel like I'm ready. I feel like it could happen.

And then I try to reel myself back in. Because the only thing my hope has gotten me in the last year is disappointment. What's the saying? Something like - "If you have no expectations you can't be let down."

I know better than to have expectations of any cycle. So hopefully sometime in the next 7-9 days I'll find reality again before I start testing. It's just so damn hard not to think about the possibility of a Christmas miracle. So damn hard.

Last chance at a 2012 baby . . .

Today is CD 15 and I will either O today or tomorrow. Fertility friend just told me that if I ovulate today that a pregnancy this cycle would have a due date of December 23rd. Wow. I mean, I guess I knew it would be December. Our successful March cycle with my son resulted in a December baby. But I also hadn't thought about it too much either. I'm going to try to convince myself that a negative this cycle is okay because I don't really need Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays for 2 children to deal with every holiday season for the rest of my life . . . But just knowing that a negative this cycle takes us to 2013 makes my heart ache.

I remember in July 2011, I ordered our family's personalized day planner for 2012. I intentionally did not put all of our names on the cover because I thought for sure that we would be a family of four in 2012 and I didn't want to leave our future child out. So instead I ordered our calendar customized with just our last name on the front thinking that was the perfect solution for however our family expanded. And here we are. Our last shot at a 2012 baby. That seems surreal. In some ways it hurts. In some ways I am numb.

My husband and I have been communicating really well lately. He says I seem a lot more relaxed. I don't feel relaxed, I just feel like I've given up hope. Sure, I go through the motions every cycle. I do everything I can to make it work . . . but the hope of a positive outcome is all but gone. So I don't really know why I'm trying anymore. I asked him if he was ready to give up. He said he will never give up. Which is both amazing and heartbreaking. Because it means he still has hope.

I wish I was still that hopeful, optimistic, delusional person I used to be. I wish I could say that I will never give up.