Things I should know not to say...

I should know better, I really should. "I feel really good for 36 weeks." Someone slap me for saying that just 3 days ago.

If the next 3 weeks are as rough as the last 3 days, I'm in serious trouble. Up to pee 3-4 times a night. Hours rolling around in bed trying to get comfortable. Feeling like my pelvis is about to split in half. As yes. Thank goodness the countdown is down to days as opposed to weeks.

Now, the million dollar question - Do I want an internal exam tomorrow at my 36 week appointment? I have to have my GBS swab, so I'm sure they will offer me an exam. The problem is that I'm an information freak - the more information I have the better, BUT any dilation at this stage in the game means nothing at all. I could be 3cm and stay that way for weeks. I could have no progress and go into labor tomorrow night. So, do I want to know, just for the sake of knowing? We'll see. I'm thinking I'll probably want to know...

36 Weeks

Not a lot to say this week. Another week down, another week closer to his arrival. I'm feeling pretty decent for the most part, although it's getting really hard to move in the bed at night. Honestly, for 36 weeks, I really can't complain.

There are still a few things I need to do. Fold the last load of his laundry. Snap our one size cloth diapers down to their smallest size. Pack my hospital bag. Bring bigger items up from the basement (swing, bassinet, etc). But that last task is waiting for the tree to come down this weekend - as our space is limited. Finish his quilt (I really really really want to do this).

I'm trying to stay busy, but I have to be honest, time does feel to be slowing down a bit - like I knew it would. The beginning crawls, the middle flies by, and then the end is like time starts moving backwards. I'm sure he'll be here before I'm ready for it, but the individual days are feeling longer and more exhausting. Ah well, this is the home stretch. If I lived through first trimester anxiety, I can certainly make it through this!

December 24th

Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

Today isn't a real pregnancy milestone of any sort, but it does mark 1 calendar month until my official due date.

I vividly recall the last 3 weeks of pregnancy with my son being miserable (weeks 36-39). Needless to say I'm hoping for the next 3-4 weeks to be slightly better. I'm not quite 36 weeks yet, but so far I can't complain. I'm feeling better than I was several weeks ago when he was tranverse/breech. I'm definitely big and slowing down, but if I am fortunate enough to stay feeling this way - I feel like the next month will be manageable. (I'm sure it helps that I've gained half the weight I gained in my first pregnancy.)

I hope everyone who celebrates has a wonderful Christmas tomorrow.

35 weeks down / 35 days to go!!!!

Well yesterday marked 35 weeks pregnant. Even more crazy is that also means there were only 35 days left until our due date.

Yes, that is sheer panic that you detect.

I am simultaneously trying to figure out where on Earth this baby could possibly fit any more growth in the next 5 weeks without my stomach bursting open and at the same time wishing I still had 7 or 8 more weeks left.

My mom and my husband are determined I am going to go into labor early and are all over me about installing the car seat and packing my hospital bag. I, on the other hand, don't see this baby coming much earlier than my son (39w1d) and think if my mom and husband keep talking this way they will only ensure that I'm still pregnant when February rolls around.

Total weight gain at 35 weeks is 25 pounds. Which now concerns me that I won't even stay under 30 pounds total (last time I gained a lot of water/swelling weight between 37 and 39 weeks) . . . But also means that I've done INFINITELY better with weight gain than I did with my son. And let me assure you, at this point in the process - I NO LONGER CARE. If I want to eat something, I just eat it.

I guess there's not a whole lot else to say. Oh yeah, I did decide I'm not going to start my Zoloft until the little guy is born. I'm just not comfortable with the data we have for use during pregnancy considering that I'm not in a state right now where I need it. But I do have the prescription in hand. It's a day to day decision and I can start it at any time if I start to feel the benefits outweigh the risks. At the latest I'll be starting it in the hospital shortly after I deliver.

And one more thing - HE HAS A NAME. But at this point he's been "baby brother" so long that he will stay that way to everyone other than me and my husband until he is born.

Happy Holidays!!!

Zoloft and a Surprise Ultrasound

I think I may have had some form of PPD/PPA with my son. It wasn't the obvious form of PPD they warn you about in the hospital. I never had thoughts of harming myself. And I NEVER had thoughts of harming him. I had what I thought was the "baby blues" which they tell you is normal and nothing to worry about. But in hindsight, I'm not so sure. I was constantly worried I was doing something wrong. Worried my son didn't love me. Worried that he deserved better than me. I cried a lot. Aside from the exhaustion from being a terrible sleeper, my son was terribly fussy. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I calm him? Don't moms know how to settle their own babies? Why was this so hard? Why was I so bad at it?

PPD? PPA? Or normal first time mom thoughts with a cranky baby?

No one is exactly sure. But I can tell you that my life like this with my son went on for months, not weeks. And I'm already starting to have the same anxiety about the arrival of baby brother. Sure, I have hopes that because I've been there and done it before that a lot of my anxiety and fears will be gone. But I also think about a baby crying around the clock, sleeping in 20-30 minute increments and my palms start to sweat. Add in a fairly high maintenance 3 year old and I start to feel close to a panic attack.

So we are going to try to be proactive and put an end to it before it starts. My midwife called in a prescription for Zoloft that I can start now. As a general rule, I don't love the idea of being medicated. But I don't want to spend most of 2013 the way I spent most of 2010. My kids deserve more and so do I.

That was the first part of my 34 week appointment. The second part was much more fun. My uterus was apparently having a long BH contraction when my midwife was trying to confirm if the little guy was still head down and she could not get a good feel of him. Her guess was head down, butt on the upper left and feet on the right. But she wanted a quick ultrasound just to be sure. We had just had an ultrasound with MFM on Thursday, but I wasn't going to complain. Ultrasounds in my doctors office are way less formal than at MFM. The equipment is not quite as fancy. They can't do extremely technical measurements. But they can see the obvious stuff and keep an eye on what's going on inside. And holy moly - this was way cooler than I expected. 1) Little guy is still head down - YAY! 2) He is "sunny side up" - meaning facing the wrong direction. Not a huge deal, but it will be a more painful and difficult labor for me if he does not roll over. 3) He has a lot of hair?!?!?!? Um, what??? She showed me all the fluff on the top of his head. It may just be fuzz and it could even fall off before delivery - but I was NOT expecting this. My son was bald, bald, BALD for well past his first year. It surely doesn't matter - I just assumed baby brother would be bald too. But I LOVE babies with hair, so this is a cool thing we learned. 4) He was practicing his breathing and/or swallowing while we were watching him. And he must have stuck his tongue out at least a dozen times. Yet another AMAZING thing to see. And pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. He just looked so remarkably "baby like." Which is not something that I'm used to thinking from ultrasounds.

I can not believe how close the end is getting. I also can not believe how much I still have to do . . .

A seemingly meaningless update

I meant to post last night about our ultrasound, but my son has a cold and didn't get a nap yesterday and I was just just down right exhausted.

And then this morning he was cranky like never before (from not sleeping well with his cough). And I was just so tired and so grumpy.

And then news today started coming out of Newton CT and my heart felt ripped in half. The lives of 20 innocent children (virtually babies) and 6 adults taken in the most brutally violent and cowardly act imaginable. 20 sets of parents sent their babies off to school this morning just like any other Friday morning and will never get their babies back. They won't deal with temper tantrums or snotty noses this weekend. They will instead start a hell that no parent should ever have to navigate and long for having even the worst of days back with their children.

When my son got up from his nap today he was bouncing around the living room talking about Santa and other silly 3 year old stuff and I had this sudden realization of his innocence. He is so blissfully unaware of the brutality of this world. And it just made my heart ache more. The kindergarteners who were gunned down today woke up and went to school the exact same way my son woke up from his nap - probably thinking about Santa.

When my husband got home, I fell apart. I AM SO IRRATIONALLY FUCKING ANGRY. Children are supposed to be scared of the dark. Scared of the imaginary monsters under the bed. Our children are not supposed to be scared of being killed at school. What kind of world do we live in??? What type of fucking coward needs to execute children on his way off this Earth???

The world is a sad and broken place. My heart is with everyone who has been personally touched by this tragedy. I can not imagine the pain of today and the months to come. I hope that in some way, some day these families will find some form of peace.

My completely meaningless update from yesterday is that the baby is now head down and everything looks good. He's still estimated to be very large, but there are no other ultrasounds planned. Like I said . . . Not really that important.

34 Weeks (Wishing I was still 32)

32 really is the loveliest number. If you talk to maternity photographers about the best time to take pictures, many of them will say 32 weeks because you look cute and pregnant, still feel good, and haven't yet reached the big and tired stage. THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.

Yeah, yeah - I know some women don't get big and tired until 36 or 38 weeks. But I don't like those women. At 34 weeks, I have officially gone from telling people I felt GREAT at Thanksgiving to feeling enormous and having numerous aches and pains.

Even my husband said last night, "Woah he's looking really big all of a sudden." Brownie points to him for saying "he's looking really big" instead of "you're looking really big" because I'm pretty sure I would have cried on the spot.

I'm thinking that maybe *just maybe* this crazy huge baby bump and these aches and pains are because he's not in proper position yet. And that if he actually learns to navigate and decides to move sooner rather than later that some of this discomfort will go away. Because really, babies are not meant to fit sideways.

We will find out at 3pm today exactly where he is located and how much he has grown since 30 weeks. If he could get his head to my pelvis ASAP, that would be excellent. And if his head is already there (I really can't tell where he's situated) and I'm just destined to be this big and uncomfortable for the next 4-8 weeks, that's fine too. This is the end. It isn't fun for most people and I'm so thankful to be here that I'll take the bad with the good. Just like the 16 weeks of sickness at the beginning...I will get through it.

33 weeks

Baby is now supposed to be the weight of a pineapple (about 4 pounds). We have an ultrasound in a week where we will get a better size estimate. He is also supposed to be about 17 1/4 inches long by now. So if he's average right now, and is going to rival his brother in size, he will grow another 5.5+ pounds and 5 inches in the next 6-7 weeks! No wonder the end of pregnancy gets uncomfortable really fast! This little guy is going to take the weight it's taken him 33 weeks to put on and double it (plus some) very rapidly.

Speaking of comfort. Sigh. I'm starting to have serious lower back pain. I have a history of back problems and while I remember being sore during my first pregnancy, I didn't have this shooting lower back pain until after I delivered my son. Something about fitting a 10 pound baby through my pelvis threw my lower back seriously out of alignment. With some chiropractic assistance it felt much better about a month after I had my son.

But now, with 7 weeks left to go, that exact pain is back. Thankfully I'm seeing a chiropractor right now (more about that in a minute) and have an appointment tonight. So hopefully he can help me out some. The thought of dealing with this pain between now and delivery - while taking care of my 35 pound toddler everyday is a frightening. It's hard to walk without crying right now.

About the chiropractor. I had my first visit Monday night with the purpose of the visit to try to get this stubborn little guy to go head down sooner rather than later. The doctor is a chiropractor and acupuncturist, so I figured I'd just go to one practice for both services. (I do have both a chiro and acupuncturist I've used before, but needing multiple visits a week just doesn't make going to 2 different places very practical.) The visit was okay. If you've ever been to a chiro before, you know the adjustments can be a little abrupt or almost jarring - which is a little weird in pregnancy. And the acupuncture, well let's just say this kid needs to get his head down and butt up ASAP, because I don't think I can tolerate that for many more visits. (Needles under the toenail of the little toe with electric stimulation attached to the needles.) Holy shit that's a sensitive spot for needles?!?!?!

Anyway, I guess I don't have much else to say today. I do have a picture to share, but I'll have to upload it later. I'm truly having enough back pain today that if I can just get to the chiropractor tonight without ending up a sobbing mess stuck on the floor, I'll consider the day a success.

Directionally Challenged

Sigh. Baby brother has gone from being completely transverse with his head lodged on the left and his bum lodged on the right . . . to . . . approximately half way between transverse and breech.

Double sigh. I'm starting with chiropractor assistance and acupuncture, hopefully this week (as soon as I can get appointments).

With regard to last night's post - baby brother is still only measuring about 1-2 weeks ahead based on fundal height. So he's still expected to be big, but we aren't off the charts . . . yet.

The "big" milestone

Nope, nothing significant or monumental implied by that title. But I do have my 32 week appointment tomorrow and 32 weeks is the point with my son where I went from measuring pretty average to measuring 5 weeks ahead.

Combine that with the fact that I feel like I am suddenly enormous . . . And I'm feeling like I'm going to get the same "big" news tomorrow at 10am that I got at my 32 week appointment just over 3 years ago.