Things I should know not to say...

I should know better, I really should. "I feel really good for 36 weeks." Someone slap me for saying that just 3 days ago.

If the next 3 weeks are as rough as the last 3 days, I'm in serious trouble. Up to pee 3-4 times a night. Hours rolling around in bed trying to get comfortable. Feeling like my pelvis is about to split in half. As yes. Thank goodness the countdown is down to days as opposed to weeks.

Now, the million dollar question - Do I want an internal exam tomorrow at my 36 week appointment? I have to have my GBS swab, so I'm sure they will offer me an exam. The problem is that I'm an information freak - the more information I have the better, BUT any dilation at this stage in the game means nothing at all. I could be 3cm and stay that way for weeks. I could have no progress and go into labor tomorrow night. So, do I want to know, just for the sake of knowing? We'll see. I'm thinking I'll probably want to know...

36 Weeks

Not a lot to say this week. Another week down, another week closer to his arrival. I'm feeling pretty decent for the most part, although it's getting really hard to move in the bed at night. Honestly, for 36 weeks, I really can't complain.

There are still a few things I need to do. Fold the last load of his laundry. Snap our one size cloth diapers down to their smallest size. Pack my hospital bag. Bring bigger items up from the basement (swing, bassinet, etc). But that last task is waiting for the tree to come down this weekend - as our space is limited. Finish his quilt (I really really really want to do this).

I'm trying to stay busy, but I have to be honest, time does feel to be slowing down a bit - like I knew it would. The beginning crawls, the middle flies by, and then the end is like time starts moving backwards. I'm sure he'll be here before I'm ready for it, but the individual days are feeling longer and more exhausting. Ah well, this is the home stretch. If I lived through first trimester anxiety, I can certainly make it through this!

December 24th

Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

Today isn't a real pregnancy milestone of any sort, but it does mark 1 calendar month until my official due date.

I vividly recall the last 3 weeks of pregnancy with my son being miserable (weeks 36-39). Needless to say I'm hoping for the next 3-4 weeks to be slightly better. I'm not quite 36 weeks yet, but so far I can't complain. I'm feeling better than I was several weeks ago when he was tranverse/breech. I'm definitely big and slowing down, but if I am fortunate enough to stay feeling this way - I feel like the next month will be manageable. (I'm sure it helps that I've gained half the weight I gained in my first pregnancy.)

I hope everyone who celebrates has a wonderful Christmas tomorrow.

35 weeks down / 35 days to go!!!!

Well yesterday marked 35 weeks pregnant. Even more crazy is that also means there were only 35 days left until our due date.

Yes, that is sheer panic that you detect.

I am simultaneously trying to figure out where on Earth this baby could possibly fit any more growth in the next 5 weeks without my stomach bursting open and at the same time wishing I still had 7 or 8 more weeks left.

My mom and my husband are determined I am going to go into labor early and are all over me about installing the car seat and packing my hospital bag. I, on the other hand, don't see this baby coming much earlier than my son (39w1d) and think if my mom and husband keep talking this way they will only ensure that I'm still pregnant when February rolls around.

Total weight gain at 35 weeks is 25 pounds. Which now concerns me that I won't even stay under 30 pounds total (last time I gained a lot of water/swelling weight between 37 and 39 weeks) . . . But also means that I've done INFINITELY better with weight gain than I did with my son. And let me assure you, at this point in the process - I NO LONGER CARE. If I want to eat something, I just eat it.

I guess there's not a whole lot else to say. Oh yeah, I did decide I'm not going to start my Zoloft until the little guy is born. I'm just not comfortable with the data we have for use during pregnancy considering that I'm not in a state right now where I need it. But I do have the prescription in hand. It's a day to day decision and I can start it at any time if I start to feel the benefits outweigh the risks. At the latest I'll be starting it in the hospital shortly after I deliver.

And one more thing - HE HAS A NAME. But at this point he's been "baby brother" so long that he will stay that way to everyone other than me and my husband until he is born.

Happy Holidays!!!

Zoloft and a Surprise Ultrasound

I think I may have had some form of PPD/PPA with my son. It wasn't the obvious form of PPD they warn you about in the hospital. I never had thoughts of harming myself. And I NEVER had thoughts of harming him. I had what I thought was the "baby blues" which they tell you is normal and nothing to worry about. But in hindsight, I'm not so sure. I was constantly worried I was doing something wrong. Worried my son didn't love me. Worried that he deserved better than me. I cried a lot. Aside from the exhaustion from being a terrible sleeper, my son was terribly fussy. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I calm him? Don't moms know how to settle their own babies? Why was this so hard? Why was I so bad at it?

PPD? PPA? Or normal first time mom thoughts with a cranky baby?

No one is exactly sure. But I can tell you that my life like this with my son went on for months, not weeks. And I'm already starting to have the same anxiety about the arrival of baby brother. Sure, I have hopes that because I've been there and done it before that a lot of my anxiety and fears will be gone. But I also think about a baby crying around the clock, sleeping in 20-30 minute increments and my palms start to sweat. Add in a fairly high maintenance 3 year old and I start to feel close to a panic attack.

So we are going to try to be proactive and put an end to it before it starts. My midwife called in a prescription for Zoloft that I can start now. As a general rule, I don't love the idea of being medicated. But I don't want to spend most of 2013 the way I spent most of 2010. My kids deserve more and so do I.

That was the first part of my 34 week appointment. The second part was much more fun. My uterus was apparently having a long BH contraction when my midwife was trying to confirm if the little guy was still head down and she could not get a good feel of him. Her guess was head down, butt on the upper left and feet on the right. But she wanted a quick ultrasound just to be sure. We had just had an ultrasound with MFM on Thursday, but I wasn't going to complain. Ultrasounds in my doctors office are way less formal than at MFM. The equipment is not quite as fancy. They can't do extremely technical measurements. But they can see the obvious stuff and keep an eye on what's going on inside. And holy moly - this was way cooler than I expected. 1) Little guy is still head down - YAY! 2) He is "sunny side up" - meaning facing the wrong direction. Not a huge deal, but it will be a more painful and difficult labor for me if he does not roll over. 3) He has a lot of hair?!?!?!? Um, what??? She showed me all the fluff on the top of his head. It may just be fuzz and it could even fall off before delivery - but I was NOT expecting this. My son was bald, bald, BALD for well past his first year. It surely doesn't matter - I just assumed baby brother would be bald too. But I LOVE babies with hair, so this is a cool thing we learned. 4) He was practicing his breathing and/or swallowing while we were watching him. And he must have stuck his tongue out at least a dozen times. Yet another AMAZING thing to see. And pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. He just looked so remarkably "baby like." Which is not something that I'm used to thinking from ultrasounds.

I can not believe how close the end is getting. I also can not believe how much I still have to do . . .

A seemingly meaningless update

I meant to post last night about our ultrasound, but my son has a cold and didn't get a nap yesterday and I was just just down right exhausted.

And then this morning he was cranky like never before (from not sleeping well with his cough). And I was just so tired and so grumpy.

And then news today started coming out of Newton CT and my heart felt ripped in half. The lives of 20 innocent children (virtually babies) and 6 adults taken in the most brutally violent and cowardly act imaginable. 20 sets of parents sent their babies off to school this morning just like any other Friday morning and will never get their babies back. They won't deal with temper tantrums or snotty noses this weekend. They will instead start a hell that no parent should ever have to navigate and long for having even the worst of days back with their children.

When my son got up from his nap today he was bouncing around the living room talking about Santa and other silly 3 year old stuff and I had this sudden realization of his innocence. He is so blissfully unaware of the brutality of this world. And it just made my heart ache more. The kindergarteners who were gunned down today woke up and went to school the exact same way my son woke up from his nap - probably thinking about Santa.

When my husband got home, I fell apart. I AM SO IRRATIONALLY FUCKING ANGRY. Children are supposed to be scared of the dark. Scared of the imaginary monsters under the bed. Our children are not supposed to be scared of being killed at school. What kind of world do we live in??? What type of fucking coward needs to execute children on his way off this Earth???

The world is a sad and broken place. My heart is with everyone who has been personally touched by this tragedy. I can not imagine the pain of today and the months to come. I hope that in some way, some day these families will find some form of peace.

My completely meaningless update from yesterday is that the baby is now head down and everything looks good. He's still estimated to be very large, but there are no other ultrasounds planned. Like I said . . . Not really that important.

34 Weeks (Wishing I was still 32)

32 really is the loveliest number. If you talk to maternity photographers about the best time to take pictures, many of them will say 32 weeks because you look cute and pregnant, still feel good, and haven't yet reached the big and tired stage. THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT.

Yeah, yeah - I know some women don't get big and tired until 36 or 38 weeks. But I don't like those women. At 34 weeks, I have officially gone from telling people I felt GREAT at Thanksgiving to feeling enormous and having numerous aches and pains.

Even my husband said last night, "Woah he's looking really big all of a sudden." Brownie points to him for saying "he's looking really big" instead of "you're looking really big" because I'm pretty sure I would have cried on the spot.

I'm thinking that maybe *just maybe* this crazy huge baby bump and these aches and pains are because he's not in proper position yet. And that if he actually learns to navigate and decides to move sooner rather than later that some of this discomfort will go away. Because really, babies are not meant to fit sideways.

We will find out at 3pm today exactly where he is located and how much he has grown since 30 weeks. If he could get his head to my pelvis ASAP, that would be excellent. And if his head is already there (I really can't tell where he's situated) and I'm just destined to be this big and uncomfortable for the next 4-8 weeks, that's fine too. This is the end. It isn't fun for most people and I'm so thankful to be here that I'll take the bad with the good. Just like the 16 weeks of sickness at the beginning...I will get through it.

33 weeks

Baby is now supposed to be the weight of a pineapple (about 4 pounds). We have an ultrasound in a week where we will get a better size estimate. He is also supposed to be about 17 1/4 inches long by now. So if he's average right now, and is going to rival his brother in size, he will grow another 5.5+ pounds and 5 inches in the next 6-7 weeks! No wonder the end of pregnancy gets uncomfortable really fast! This little guy is going to take the weight it's taken him 33 weeks to put on and double it (plus some) very rapidly.

Speaking of comfort. Sigh. I'm starting to have serious lower back pain. I have a history of back problems and while I remember being sore during my first pregnancy, I didn't have this shooting lower back pain until after I delivered my son. Something about fitting a 10 pound baby through my pelvis threw my lower back seriously out of alignment. With some chiropractic assistance it felt much better about a month after I had my son.

But now, with 7 weeks left to go, that exact pain is back. Thankfully I'm seeing a chiropractor right now (more about that in a minute) and have an appointment tonight. So hopefully he can help me out some. The thought of dealing with this pain between now and delivery - while taking care of my 35 pound toddler everyday is a frightening. It's hard to walk without crying right now.

About the chiropractor. I had my first visit Monday night with the purpose of the visit to try to get this stubborn little guy to go head down sooner rather than later. The doctor is a chiropractor and acupuncturist, so I figured I'd just go to one practice for both services. (I do have both a chiro and acupuncturist I've used before, but needing multiple visits a week just doesn't make going to 2 different places very practical.) The visit was okay. If you've ever been to a chiro before, you know the adjustments can be a little abrupt or almost jarring - which is a little weird in pregnancy. And the acupuncture, well let's just say this kid needs to get his head down and butt up ASAP, because I don't think I can tolerate that for many more visits. (Needles under the toenail of the little toe with electric stimulation attached to the needles.) Holy shit that's a sensitive spot for needles?!?!?!

Anyway, I guess I don't have much else to say today. I do have a picture to share, but I'll have to upload it later. I'm truly having enough back pain today that if I can just get to the chiropractor tonight without ending up a sobbing mess stuck on the floor, I'll consider the day a success.

Directionally Challenged

Sigh. Baby brother has gone from being completely transverse with his head lodged on the left and his bum lodged on the right . . . to . . . approximately half way between transverse and breech.

Double sigh. I'm starting with chiropractor assistance and acupuncture, hopefully this week (as soon as I can get appointments).

With regard to last night's post - baby brother is still only measuring about 1-2 weeks ahead based on fundal height. So he's still expected to be big, but we aren't off the charts . . . yet.

The "big" milestone

Nope, nothing significant or monumental implied by that title. But I do have my 32 week appointment tomorrow and 32 weeks is the point with my son where I went from measuring pretty average to measuring 5 weeks ahead.

Combine that with the fact that I feel like I am suddenly enormous . . . And I'm feeling like I'm going to get the same "big" news tomorrow at 10am that I got at my 32 week appointment just over 3 years ago.

32 Weeks

As tired as I am, I'm on a mission and making progress. I've gotten two posts up on my personal blog in the last two days. I've sewn for a couple of hours (on a quilt that seriously will probably require 16-20 hours of solid sewing from start to finish). And I did my Hypnobabies assignment for yesterday. Today's assignment will be done before bed. One way or another, I will get this all done!

 So today is 32 weeks and it's pretty unremarkable (in a good way). Baby boy should be about 3 3/4 pounds (but he was estimated to be that size 2 weeks ago) and should be about 16 3/4 inches long. I have a standard checkup on Monday morning and another ultrasound in 2 weeks. Really, other than that, there is nothing to report.

 I had a ton of really intense movements a few days last week when we were out of town for Thanksgiving, so I'm hoping that maybe he went head down. My midwives should be able to tell me how he's positioned on Monday. Overall, the type of movement I'm experiencing is definitely changing. It's no longer craziness all over. It's distinct, hard, blunt movements in the same places over and over again. This is of course because he's getting bigger and has less room to flip and flop. So it's expected. But it's definitely wearing on some areas of my abdomen more than others.

I'm up a total of about 20 pounds so far. I think it's unrealistic to stay under 25 pounds between now and the end, but I would be ELATED with staying under 30 pounds. Assuming I don't have insane water retention at the end this time, that should be possible.

And for now, I think that's it. No news is definitely good news from here on out!!!

A plan for my free time.

Okay, so I *think* I have a plan to get my "want projects" accomplished in the next 5-6 weeks.

Hours before the toddler wakes up at 7am: Catch up on photo editing and my personal blog. It's a good time to do quiet projects because I don't want to wake him up early.

Toddler nap: My hypnobabies natural child birth class that I ordered over 10 weeks ago has been neglected and it's a 5 week course.

Hours after the toddler goes to bed (7-8pm): Nursery and sewing projects. The sewing machine is loud and usually the first few hours of his sleep at night are the soundest.

Sigh. Let's see how much of this I get accomplished...

Sleeplessness

I know, I missed my 31 week update. That's what happens during the holidays. A full term pregnancy is now less than 6 weeks away. Holy shit. A full term pregnancy is now less than 6 weeks away?!?!?!?!

As I lay here tonight in bed, unable to sleep, I am catching up on my blog reading. Baby brother is destroying the right side of my abdomen with his ever strengthening kicks. I mean causing serious pain. As of my last appointment he was transverse, and I don't think he has moved. (Not great news, for a vaginal delivery or for my comfort. But he still has a few weeks to move before they get worried.)

Anyway, from my blog reading I learned that today a fellow "RPLer" found out she is about to miscarry for the 4th time. This time after going through IVF to conceive. I am so sad and angry for her. Why must the world be this way? Why does anyone have to lose baby after baby? The pain of RPL is so intense and so maddening. Yet with every next pregnancy there is this hope that maybe things will be different. Maybe, just maybe the vicious cycle will break, the "bad luck" will end, and a pregnancy will make it. The waiting, the anxiety, the fear. I wish the madness on no one, and my heart aches for this woman and her husband tonight.

And suddenly those pounding kicks to my side feel like the most welcome things in the world. Pain is so relative, and I have nothing to complain about.

Thanksgiving Eve

With Thanksgiving now about 20 minutes away, and our alarm clock going off in 6 hours so we can beat traffic and get out of town . . . I lay here, wide awake.

Not thinking about my to do list or how tired I am. Not thinking about weight gain or our new son's name.

I am thinking of how thankful I am. Thankful for this pregnancy. Thankful that my husband and I found our way through a very dark start to the year. Thankful that the pain of my life 12 months ago is moving further into my past. Thankful, ETERNALLY thankful, for the love and support I have been shown in the last year - by the closest of friends and relative internet strangers alike. Thankful for a healthy and perfect 3 year old son.

If you have been a part of my life in the past year - thank you. Thank you for everything. My lowest lows and highest highs have all been shared here, and while it may just be a miscarriage/pregnancy blog to most of you - this has been my safe place and my sanity more times than I can recall.

It's been a hard year. It's been a long year. But my family and I have made it through. And we are so so very thankful.

9 1/2 weeks is coming way too fast

Seriously, how do the days keep flying by? I told my husband tonight that I need the days to all have 62 hours and to find a drug that will let me stay awake for all of them. OR, I need my due date to be 8 weeks later. Between the things I *need* to do (finish organizing a couple of rooms that we've flip flopped to be more practical when the baby comes), wash baby clothes, etc . . . and the things I *want* to do (set up craft organization for my son, set up a couponing system, finish the quilt I'm working on) . . . It's just NOT all going to get done. And I never nested with my son, but I'm nesting in a MAJOR way now. The floors that were just vacuumed a couple days ago were irritating me to the point that they got vacuumed again tonight. This is NOT normal behavior for me . . . My floors are lucky to get vacuumed twice a month - they NEVER get vacuumed twice a week. Sigh. One way or another this baby will be here in ~9.5 weeks. (Or 7.5 or 11.5 - you know . . . ) And then it will be 8-10 months before I even get a chance to come up for air. And with that, I'm off to work on my to-do list.

Breaking News

We *may* have a name for "baby brother." I don't want to get too attached to the idea of it yet, but for the first time in the 10 weeks since we've started discussing names we have landed on one that we seem to keep coming back to . . .

30 weeks (yesterday)

Great heavens, I am exhausted. I'm not sure if this is pregnancy related or related to becoming a stay at home mom (probably both), but I seriously just feel like I could fall over any second. And the to do list just keeps growing.

Yesterday was 30 weeks! Officially 3/4 of the way through this pregnancy. That is CRAZY. Even crazier - full term is only 7 weeks away. I knew the end was going to go fast, but wow, if I could buy an extra 3-4 weeks, I'm sure I could find a way to fill every second!

According to "average" this little boy should be about 3 pounds and 15 3/4 inches long. According to our ultrasound estimate yesterday, his estimated fetal weight is currently 3lb 13oz. And really, he has 2 jobs left to do - put on more weight and stay in long enough for his lungs to mature. Being almost 4 pounds with 10 weeks left, means he likely won't be a small guy, but we've known that for a while.

The ultrasound yesterday was unremarkable for the most part. Fluid remains slightly elevated, but has not gotten higher than it was 4 weeks ago. While his head is still large relative to the rest of him, everything has grown about 4 weeks since our last check. But we will take yet another look in 4 weeks.

As of yesterday's check he was transverse with his head on my right side, butt on the left and feet up. Not sure where he is today, but considering I was kicked for several hours on the right side, I'm going to say that my little gymnast has somersaulted at least once since our appointment yesterday.

Since I started typing this post, he's having the first round of hiccups I've experienced yet. My son had them all the time, so we'll see if this little guy is going to take after his brother in that regard.

Not much else to report this week. I hope I find some more energy soon.

It's been a hell of a year

November 14, 2011.  I knew the inevitable was coming.  We had been told almost a week earlier that our baby's heartbeat was gone.  I had been spotting for a couple days.  I was somewhere between numb and devastated and terrified, as I still had yet to go through the actual physical miscarriage.

I wrote this blog post exactly one year ago today.  That quote became the tag line for my entire blog.  "You are not sad just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."

Being 30 weeks pregnant on this heartbreaking anniversary makes a lot of things better.  But that overwhelming sadness and devastation is still there.  The emotional pain.  The physical pain.  Some days it feels like it was a lifetime ago.  And then some days it still hurts like it was yesterday - in a way so deep it almost doesn't make sense.

Holy bananas

Literally. My breakfast every morning is a green smoothie. Lots of spinach, a banana, some almonds, and then whatever else I feel like that day. But those 3 ingredients are staples.

Yesterday my mom was in town so I made pancakes for everyone for breakfast and skipped my smoothie.

Never never never again in the next 10 weeks will I go a full day without a banana again. My leg cramps were so debilitating last night that I was up every 90 minutes pacing around the room - trying desperately to find a way to stand or lean such that neither my calves or shins were spasming.

OUCH. I feel like I ran a marathon over night.

29 Weeks (and a couple days)

Holy cow. This will be my last update for the twenties. This pregnancy is really close to 3/4 over.

Baby boy is the size of a butternut squash right now (or at least he should be). We'll find out more at our 30 week ultrasound on Thursday. But estimated weight is currently 2.5 pounds and estimated length is currently about 15 inches. Reality check? If baby brother is the same size as big brother, he will grow over 7 more pounds and 7 more inches in the next 11 weeks!!!! I had a very vivid dream that baby brother was born the other night and weighed 10lb 3oz. (Big brother was 9lb 10oz.) I hope my dream was WAY off!

Not whole lot to report this week. We are all finally healthy in our house. Nursery continues to come along, although obviously a lot more slowly than it started in October when my son was still in school. While there are still many little projects I want to do, the only big things left are getting the crib (coming from my brother and sister-in-law) and getting baby stuff up from the basement. I'm happy with that considering we still have 2 1/2 months left.

I am a little anxious about our ultrasound Thursday. If you read my last post, you know that I am constantly worried about my weight gain. Well for the first time ever in pregnancy I'm worried about a problem I NEVER thought I would have. I'm losing weight. Down 2 pounds since my weight post . . . Was that even a week ago? As long as baby is growing okay, this is not a bad thing. But I can't stop thinking about that elevated AFP result being a possible indicator of 3rd trimester growth restriction. Needless to say, I'm relieved to be with the MFM group and relieved to have another ultrasound to check growth this week.

In baby news - he's still very nameless. Not even a couple front runners for what we might name him. And he is CRAZY. My son got comfortable very very early - by 28 weeks he was head down and stayed that way. This little one is obviously not comfortable or else will be a future gymnast. I am not kidding when I say that one minute I am being kicked in the ribs, the next minute he's using my cervix as a trampoline. The rib kicks are not at all comfortable (and will only get a lot more painful) . . . But the cervix jumping - OH MY GOSH IT'S TIME FOR THAT NONSENSE TO STOP.

I know it's still very early to hope he will go head down and stay that way. Many babies don't go head down until the very end, and of course some never go head down. This is just not something I experienced in my first pregnancy and is more painful than I ever imagined. But as I said to my husband yesterday - ALL movement is good movement and I'm thankful that he always seems to be doing something inside to remind me he's okay.

Hopefully I'll get another belly picture done soon. I'm getting really large!

Weight - Does it matter?

Just a couple days before 29 weeks I've been struggling with this question. There seem to be 2 schools of thought. 1) A woman should be healthy during pregnancy and whatever weight gain results is okay. 2) Women starting pregnancy overweight should gain as little weight as possible with some medical recommendations falling between 0-15 pounds.

I really struggle with the second recommendation, even if I do fall into the more relaxed 15-25 pound recommendation category. (A women starting at average weight falls into the 25-35 pound category.) How can you tell pregnant women to be healthy, to eat enough, to not go hungry, and to not diet - knowing on average these women are growing 7-8 pound babies and increasing blood volume by 50% . . . yet somehow expect anyone to gain 0-15 pounds in that 40 week period???

Eating and pregnancy is not easy. There are insane cravings. There are restrictions on what you can eat and drink. There is hunger - serious hunger at times - even when you've eaten just an hour before.

I wish I was that cute pregnant woman who started and ended pregnancy as a size 4 without having to worry about weight. I am not.

Confession: I gained 60 pounds with my son. Yes, SIX-ZERO. Realistically that was about 50 pounds of pregnancy weight and 10 pounds of water/swelling in the last couple of days (literally). But it was still 60 freakin pounds.

It was horrifying. Did I gain 60 pounds because my child was 25% larger than an average baby? Or was my son large because I gained too much weight? Was the Brewers diet to blame? (A pregnancy "diet" recommended in our child birth class that recommended a minimum of 100 grams of protein a day.) Was the hypoglycemia to blame where I was eating every 60-90 minutes to keep from passing out?

Who knows. (FTR, I am NOT doing the Brewers diet this time.)

I just know that for as much as people talk about pregnancy as a beautiful time, for those of us who struggle with weight - the miracle of growing a life is beautiful. The body that comes with it, not so much.

So far, weight wise, this pregnancy has been dramatically different.

- Up to 12 weeks: 3 pound gain (Fine.)
- 12-21 weeks: 7 pound gain (Not horrible, but more than I should gain in that period for my 15-25 pound overall recommendation.)
- 21-25 weeks: 7 pounds ?!?!?! Holy shit. NOT GOOD. What on Earth? Again, who knows. I certainly wasn't suddenly eating potato chips and ice cream all day.
- 25-29 weeks: 0 pounds ?!?!?! Honestly, just as perplexing to me as 21-25 weeks. I haven't changed much of anything with my diet.

Total so far at 29 weeks: 17 pounds. I feel "okay" about this. To be ~75% of the way through pregnancy, I'm at least confident that I won't end up gaining 60 pounds this time. I'm also fairly confident that I'll end up over the original 15-25 pound recommendation set out for me (since that only leaves me 8 pounds in the last 11 weeks).

So back to my original question - does it matter? I'm not sure. I just wish it wasn't something I worried about. In the zillion other things I have to worry about with getting this little guy here healthy and safe, how big my ass is getting shouldn't be one of them.

28 weeks

I can say with a straight face that I have no idea how big baby boy is supposed to be at this point. In fact other than his constant thumping and the fact that he's making me pee myself a lot, I wouldn't even know I'm pregnant right now.

I can tell you that I was up from 12am until 5am yesterday with tears streaming down my face from the inability to breath, the relentless cough (and peeing), and what felt to be 6 or 7 RAGING toothaches all in my upper back molars. I swear on my life I felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my mouth. WTF??? My husband had to take off work just to take me to my appointment yesterday (which was a standard checkup + gestational diabetes test).

Turns out I have a severe sinus infection. Now, I've been diagnosed with sinus infections before and to me they've always felt like a bad head cold. I have never in my life had mouth or facial pain so severe that I cry for 5 hours straight in the middle of the night.

Turns out that if your maxillary sinuses get infected and swollen enough they will actually protrude into the roots of your teeth. Holy hell. I can not begin to describe the pain.

So knowing that if the infection has been caused by a virus that antibiotics won't help, I scored myself a healthy dose of them anyway. Doctor says they won't hurt (I am by no means an antibiotic junkie) and for this type of infection at this stage of pregnancy that I need to cover all treatment bases.

So here I am, 2 doses into my treatment and I feel better. Better is relative. My teeth (and face) still hurt. But more like I ate too much sugar and less like I've been bludgeoned in the face with a 2x4.

Oh and the toddler who has been off an on sick for over a week . . . I got him to the doctor today. Raging ear infection. Poor kid. I've been too sick to even realize that he was *that* sick.

So we are both suitably drugged and hopefully will be better soon.

And that's what I have to say about being 28 weeks pregnant. :(

Drugs

For those of you who know how hyper-sensitive I am to unnecessary medications and pregnancy, this should give you an idea of how sick I am. Today I have consumed (as frequently as allowable): Mucinex, Tylenol, Sudafed, and too many Halls cough drops to count.

The cough is bad and annoying. But this pressure that has moved into my head is debilitating. I can not stand up or move without wincing in pain as the congestion shifts around my head. My eyes and cheeks feel like they are going to explode off my face.

Thank goodness I have a regular appointment tomorrow morning. I need to touch base about being this sick. It can't be ideal for me or the baby.

Sick sucks

Well I can say that I haven't yet coughed out a baby. But I can confirm that it is possible to cough until you throw up - numerous times. Including standing out in the yard waiting for your dog to pee.

Good freakin times.

And unless my child dramatically improves in the next 5-6 hours he'll be home again with me tomorrow too.

Of course Hurricane Sandy is predicted to blow us all off the map sometime in the next 48 hours, so I guess we'd be stuck at home anyway.

For anyone else in the path of Sandy - stay safe!

It was time to slow down anyway...

Shit. I'm sick. Probably predictable with a sick kid and as little resting as I've been doing.

So today is a sit on my ass and watch TV with the kid day. And hope I don't cough out a baby . . . Which I actually have feared is possible over the last 12 hours.

I need to sleep.

I am an emotional disaster. I asked a dear friend today to come to the hospital when baby brother is born to photograph some of the most important first moments of his life. Not necessarily his birth. But I want - NEED - the moment where my 2 children meet to be captured. It is a moment that I can not imagine without the tears flowing. I have cried about this moment about 6 times already today.

Then a phone solicitor woke (scared) my sick son up from his nap. And he woke up wailing, "Mommy. Mommy. The phone scared me. Hold me Mommy. Hold me like a baby." And I cried. Because he's sick. Because some asshole woke him up from a nap he desperately needed. And because the days when he wants to be held like a baby are almost gone.

And my friend just found out her cat has cancer and I can't help but think about my childhood dog - who was undoubtedly one of the greatest dogs of all times.

And because it took me 50 minutes to drive 4 freakin miles this morning in our glorious metro traffic.

I cry over anything right now. I'm sure pregnancy hormones get most of the blame. But so does being tired. Yet I lay here in bed awake contemplating going to work on my painting project in the nursery. Because no matter how hard I try, I just can't slow down.

27 weeks

Today I am 27 weeks pregnant and I am home with a really sick toddler.

Poor little dude.

As for those 37 1/2 hours I thought I was going to have to myself between now and Oct 31. Well, as always, being a mom is more important.

A million miles an hour

You know people who say "I could never stay at home and let someone else take care of my kids. I'd be bored to death." Yeah. Who are these people???

I have 5 days left of my "free" time and the list of things to do just keeps growing by the day.

Think I'm exaggerating? Here's a lit of what I've done in the last two days:

Grocery shopped
Prepped dinners for the next week
Baked pumpkin bars (for selfish reasons)
Two loads of dishes
Two loads of laundry
Hung a mirror
Hung two shelves
Swapped out end tables in two rooms
Removed old blinds (with stripped screws which required using a crowbar among other tools)
Installed new blinds
Shopped for some new lamps
Bought and tried 7 different paint samples for a stripe project I'm working on

And that's just been between the hours of 8:00am and 3:30pm.

That doesn't include my normal mom stuff that happens before we leave for school at 7:30am or after we get home at 4:30pm.

And on top of that - stating the obvious here - I'm 6 months pregnant. And slowing down. My back hurts. My feet hurt. My weight gain so far is great compared to my first pregnancy at this point - so that's not the problem. I just can't do this much stuff without feeling the consequences. I don't think I'm "over doing" it. I just think I'm reaching the maximum limit of what I can safely do.

And I'm tired. Really tired. And I have 5 more "me" days with 7 1/2 glorious hours a day to spend doing whatever it is that I want or need to do. How much can I accomplish in 37 1/2 hours? Unfortunately the answer is going to be: Not nearly enough.

26 weeks and a few days

Thursday was 26 weeks so I guess I'm now closer to 27 weeks. Third trimester starts, um, TOMORROW?!?!?

The long and short of things lately is that I've been staying off the Internet. Trying to maximize my month at home. It's working - the nursery has been transformed! It's amazing. Some things have come out better than I expected. Some things not as well. But it's progress so it's good.

We had our 26 week ultrasound Thursday. It was okay. Definitely not bad. But not the "everything is perfect" ultrasounds we've been having. At 19 weeks almost all of the baby's measurements were a week to 10 days ahead. Now many of the measurements are right on track. One is almost a week behind (can't remember which one). And then there is his head which was measuring 29w3d. Aside from the "holy shit" aspect of having to get out an unusually large head, the proportion of his growth over the last 7 weeks is a little concerning.

The there is the amount of amniotic fluid. It's too high. Not by a lot. But it is outside the range of normal. (It was normal at 19 weeks.) I refuse to google this issue. Refuse. Nothing good can come from google at this point. The MFM doc said it could be a sign of diabetes (I'll be tested again on Oct 31). Or it could be something wrong with the baby - as it's his job to keep the right amount of fluid in balance by both swallowing and peeing. Or, just like everything else it seems, it could be nothing. Joy of joys.

It's like a blessing and a curse. Smart doctors, great technology, and close monitoring. It's wonderful to know that they are on top of this stuff. At the same time I have to wonder if knowing too much just makes me worry. I definitely prefer knowing. I wouldn't trade it for the alternative. But yikes, I'm tired of worrying.

So on that note, MFM wants me back for a 30 week ultrasound. That will be ultrasound #9 in case you've lost count.

Sigh. I'm tired. And I just want to know that this little boy is going to get here safely. I'm really tired.

October 15th. A day to remember.

Did you know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day?  Did you know that 1 in 4 women will experience pregnancy loss?  

While this blog has turned into a rather ordinary pregnancy journal, I'm sure it's easy to forget why this blog is here.  As I blissfully plow through my to-do list for "baby brother" (which may become his official name), I remember where my life was a year ago.  I was here.  With blissfully wonderful betas, 5 weeks pregnant, and hoping beyond hope that our 5th pregnancy would be our second child.  A few weeks later we would see that baby with a glorious heartbeat.  And then a few weeks later we would lose that baby too.  Was that baby a boy or a girl?  Was there something wrong with that baby?  Or was that baby as perfect as this one and my body failed me?  

"Baby brother" is such a wonderful miracle.  But he doesn't take the grief away.  In some way shape or form, I have gotten attached (for no matter how short a time period) to 4 other pregnancies between our son and "baby brother" and had to say goodbye to all of them. 

So today this blog is not about my pregnancy, it's about my journey.  The pain.  The grief.  The very real depression.  Whether you realize it or not, someone around you has likely felt the same pain.  Today is a day for the 1 in 4.

Wowsa!

I feel like we might be on the rebound from the chaos!!! Both dressers that needed to come out of the nursery are out! The master bedroom storage closet (translation - it had lots of shelves) has been unloaded and the shelves have been removed. We've purchased the hardware to turn it into a standard hanging clothes closet and that hardware will be installed as soon as the closet gets a coat of paint and some holes from the previous shelves patched (a project my mom will tackle in no time flat).

The ONLY thing in the nursery right now other than piles (still waiting to either be boxed for Goodwill or to be hung in the new master BR closet) is the queen size bed . . . And that's staying in the room!

I don't want to lie . . . It's all still a hot mess. There is still a ton to be done. It's still overwhelming to see the piles that need to be sorted and boxed up. But seeing that nursery clear out is therapeutic. It reminds me that this isn't just an exercise in cleaning and organization. It's getting our home ready for the 2nd baby we many times wondered if we'd ever have. How lucky are we???

Productivity

Why am I blogging and not working on getting stuff done around the house?  Because I feel like if I make one more trip up and down our stairs I might pass out.  I swear you have never seen so much junk in your life.

Aside from measuring for blinds this morning for both the nursery and our master bedroom, I have managed to clean out the entire nursery closet and a cedar chest in our bedroom.  (The cedar chest is leaving our bedroom, because we need to fit a dresser from the guest room in there.)

In the process, I've found a home for everything that needs to stay in our living space, and I've set aside a moving box of clothes, a moving box of shoes, a garbage bag of shoes, and 3 garbage bags of blankets/linens for Goodwill.  I've also grown our trash pile significantly.

And holy crap - I'm exhausted.  I really really really want to move that cedar chest out of our bedroom and move one of the dressers from the nursery in so I can start loading it up with my clothes (that are currently in multiple piles all over the place), but I'm already having a few BH contractions . . . and I think my husband might disown me if I try to move furniture by myself right now.

So here I sit.  Trying to catch my breath and figure out what to do in the next 3 hours I have before I pick up my son.  I suppose I will go make more piles that will find homes once the furniture gets moved around . . .

25 Weeks

25 weeks!  13 1/2 inches long and 1 1/2 pounds.

I had grand plans of writing earlier today.  Of course I had grand plans to do a lot of things that didn't revolve around cleaning up after a sick dog.  The dog had other plans for me.

I had my 24 week appointment yesterday and everything seems to be going great.  Baby boy's heart beat was thumping away between 155-160 bpm, and just a day shy of 25 weeks my uterus is measuring 26 weeks . . . so all seems well in baby land.  How are things in mommy land?  Well I am gaining weight too rapidly, but my midwives are very understanding about there only being so much I can do about it.  Interestingly enough, he must have changed positions over night - because my belly was noticeably much flatter today than it has been in a while.  If I tried really hard to suck it in, I could almost pass for just fat instead of pregnant.  (And in case you missed the 24 week picture - that has NOT been the norm lately.)  Whatever part of him that has been protruding so much for the last week or two has moved around a bit - which is fine with me!  

We have an ultrasound a week from today to make sure everything is still going well.  I'm very excited to see him again.

How are things coming with that pesky nursery project?  Well, they are coming.  Again, I had plans for today to be a productive day and it was not.  And yesterday wasn't great either as a chunk of my day was taken up with my appointment.  The 2 dressers in the nursery have been completely emptied - with one box of stuff going to the trash, one box to Goodwill, one box to our basement for storage, and the rest of the stuff needing to find a new home in our other living spaces.  Unused/un-maximized space in my son's closet has been freed up, and everything that my husband had in the guest room closet will move to the extra space in my son's room (likely tomorrow).  My husband doesn't need his stuff that often, so having it in a room where a child sleeps is not an issue for him.  Unfortunately, the guest room closet happens to be my primary closet, so my stuff will have to come out and move to a closet in our room - a closet that currently has a lot of my husband's junk in it.  Sigh.  It feels like a lot of just moving stuff from here to there . . . but I suppose that's what happens when you add a new person who needs their own space.

I ordered all the fabrics I should need for the nursery for the most part and a couple new sewing accessories for some projects I hope to accomplish.  My mom is coming on Sunday and I really really really hope we are able to make next week MUCH more productive than this week has been.

My insomnia is back with a terrible vengeance and I am contemplating taking a benadryl here one night soon if it doesn't improve.  There is only so much sleep deprivation I can take right now.  I'm not a fan of medicating while pregnant - but I am getting desperate for just one night of solid decent sleep.  Oh and that TMI problem from yesterday - no progress . . .

I guess that's all for now . . . More to follow soon as I make more nursery progress and we have our ultrasound next week!

TMI

I did have a doctor's appointment today, and I'll write about that tomorrow in my 25 week update. But tonight I'm restless and obsessing about poop. Yep. Stop right there if you don't want to hear any more.

Sunday morning at the grocery store I bought a HUGE package of spinach. The biggest package you can buy at our grocery store and about half the size of a Costco bag. As of today I have eaten it all. Every last leaf of it in 3 days. And I have not pooped. Not in 3 days - actually longer than that - maybe closer to a week.

This can not be normal. Not by a long shot. But certainly explains why I'm packing on crazy pounds despite eating a fairly balanced diet most days.

The things they never tell you about pregnancy...

Day 1

So today is day 1 of my "me time."  Technically that should have been yesterday, but my son's school was closed for Columbus Day/Teacher In-Service Day.  I am about to go shut myself in the guest room/nursery and am afraid I may never come out.  Unfortunately the room looks fine now and will look like a tornado hit it once closets and dressers start getting emptied.  Sigh.  I HATE this part of organization.  I am an immediate gratification person - I want to see progress after a few hours of work, and unfortunately this is one of those projects that likely won't be gratifying for days and days.

It should be a very interesting couple of weeks around here . . .

24 Weeks (again, a couple days late)

It's been an interesting week.  I'm finally getting over my sickness and I'm officially jobless?!?!?!?!  This is a little bit crazy to me, as I have not been jobless since I graduated from college (and even had jobs on and off working through college).  It feels odd.  Mostly good, but odd.

Nothing at all pregnancy related to report, except that my weight is on a rampage and I feel huge.  I knew it was coming, and it's only going to get much more extreme.  I'm fully expecting a weight lecture from my midwives next week.  Grand total at this point is like 15 pounds I think . . . Which means I have MORE than caught up for only being up 3-4 pounds at 12 weeks.  Oh well, what can you do?  I've been for the most part eating very balanced meals and not binging on many cravings at all, so I'm not going to worry about it.  I can't very well diet, so for now it is what it is.

Baby boy is a ninja in training.  I swear, for having an anterior placenta, he's crazy.  Much crazier than I anticipated.  But it's good.  I just told a coworker (er, ex-coworker) yesterday that movements have really saved my sanity - because this little one is very consistently active.

I did take a picture this week, but not in the standard format I have been taking them.  My husband wanted a real picture of me, so I obliged.  However, because I plan to keep this blog anonymous, I'm chopping my head off to share here.



See?  Not an exaggeration when I talk about the growth spurt we both seem to be having?!?!?!?!?!

About that to-do list . . .

Holy crap - time is slipping away and my procrastination is about to bite me in the butt!!!  My husband and I were talking about it last night.  I'm still trying to kick a miserable awful cold/cough - so I'm taking it easy for now.  He's out of town this weekend.  And then guess what happens next weekend?  My mom comes into town to paint the nursery?!?!?!  When she found out I was going to be off in October with my son still in school, she volunteered to come up for a week to help with nursery stuff that might be more than I can do on my own.

So um, she'll be here in 10 days, my husband is out of town for 3 of those days and the nursery is a TOTAL disaster.  Not to mention I've changed the original plan of what I thought I wanted in there and don't even know what color I want to paint it now.

Accomplishments of this morning . . . I've ordered the art I think I want to use in that room in small 1 hour prints from Costco to see if the colors are going to coordinate, and I've ordered fabric swatches of the fabrics I think I want to use.  The prints will be available today.  The fabric is coming snail-mail from Arizona, so hopefully it will get here next week in time for me to see how it all looks together and/or change my mind 5 more times before my mom shows up.

Now I have to balance a crap ton of cleaning, sorting, trying on clothes to figure out if they need to go in the closet or in the basement, etc with making sure I don't overdo it because I have got to kick this miserable cough.

Should be an interesting week and a half . . .

Hello October

Is it really October?  Is it really possible that we conceived this baby 6 months ago and he will be here in 3 months?  Granted, I'm due towards the end of January, so it's closer to 4 months, but the fact is that January is a mere 3 months away.  3 months to tie up loose ends at my job (well that will happen this week), get into a routine of being a stay-at-home mom, turn an overcrowded guest room into a nursery, celebrate Thanksgiving, have my son's 3rd birthday (?!?!?!), celebrate Christmas and New Years, and then welcome home a baby boy.

I think it's going to be here before we know it!!!!!!  And that list doesn't include little things like my husband being out of  town here and there, Halloween, etc.

We paid for my son's last month of tuition on Friday so I have 1 month before he is home with me all day long.  I need October to be remarkably productive.  Unfortunately I'm still sick, so I'm trying to start slow.  I don't want to over-do it, as I really need to kick this chest cold before it turns into something more serious.

Here's my current list of things that I hope to accomplish in October:

Guest room:
   - Clean out dressers
   - Clean out closet
   - Clean carpet
   - Paint
   - Install blinds and curtains

Master bedroom:
   - Install blinds and curtains
   - Swap dressers with guest room
   - Convert storage closet to clothes closet

My office:
   - Organize
   - Purge work files
   - Set up couponing system
   - Organize camera gear

Toddler stuff:
   - Organize crafts
   - Set up daily schedule
   - Find local activities

Baby stuff:
   - Start to sort stuff from basement

Mommy time:
   - Exercise at least 4 times a week

Easy enough list, right?  Ha.  It's going to be a hectic and busy month!

23 Weeks ?!?!?!

Where has the time gone?  How can I be 23 weeks already???  Somewhere between this week and 25 weeks, the baby's chance of viability should he be born prematurely will go from about 10% to over 50%.  Now, let's be clear, babies born this early have serious and long term disabilities if they are lucky enough to survive.  So I'm hoping baby boy is safe and sound inside for another 14-17 weeks, but just the fact that we are approaching the gestational age of viability is amazing.  And um, holy crap - the idea that I will be full term in 14 weeks is pretty terrifying.  The time is going by remarkably fast.

However, as an always present reminder of how much further we still have to go in this CRAZY journey, my body is keeping things interesting.  I have caught the terrible cold that my son had last week, and I have coughing fits that literally feel as though they are going to split my pelvis apart.  And we (my doctors and I) believe that is what resulted in some bright red bleeding yesterday.  It was minimal and short lived.  There was no associated cramping.  And baby boy is doing an amazing job of kicking me fairly consistently around the clock - so I didn't need to go in.  But let me tell you, there is no greater reminder of how quickly this could all still fall apart than seeing bright red blood when you go to the bathroom - no matter how small the quantity.

In growth news, he should be 11.4 inches long and 1.1 lbs - about the size of an eggplant.  For a child that's only grown about an inch in the last 2 weeks, his mama surely has exploded.  Not so much weight wise, I just feel HUGE.  I mean seriously like a bus.  I can't get comfortable at night any more and I feel like I look 7 months pregnant already.  I guess that's what they mean when they say someone has "popped."  I just wish it didn't feel like I was literally going to pop open yet.  These last 3-4 months are surely going to be interesting.

No bump picture again this week.  With the terrible cold that I have caught, I can barely muster the energy to get through the day.  Hopefully next week.  (You will not believe how much bigger I've gotten!)

22 weeks

(Note - I actually drafted and tried to publish this update while out of town.  It looks like it didn't publish, so I've backdated it for when I meant for it to show up.)

I totally dropped the ball on updates this week. Sick kid + out of town travel = exhaustion and blog updates being the furthest thing from my mind.

I assume things are still going well. Baby boy has crazy spurts of movement which are fun. And my severe crotch pain has returned with a vengeance - which I'm hoping is a function of plane travel and less than optimal sleeping arrangements. (In other words - I'm really hopeful that once we return home this will subside some.)

Nothing much else is coming to mind to say right now, other than I'm really looking forward to getting back to my own bed and getting back into a normal routine this week. I forgot how exhausting pregnancy can be - even during the "easiest" parts of it.

Nursery Update

So my $100 clearance bedding for the guest bed arrived. Sigh. It's definitely not the $500 bedding I wanted. And if it hadn't been on hug clearance, I'd probably send it back. But it's fine. Nice quality for the price even if it isn't perfect.

Unfortunately though, I'm not excited enough about it to start plowing through all the junk in there.

Hormones

Pregnancy hormones are so weird. I had an hour to get a pedicure today. I walked into the place and there was a 40 minute wait, and I couldn't wait that long. Not a big deal at all, right? Yet I got in my car and cried. CRAZINESS.

21 Weeks!

I missed my weekly update yesterday - baby is now the size of a banana.  And 21 weeks marks a somewhat interesting milestone - it's when you stop talking about the baby's length in terms of crown-to-rump and start talking about crown-to-heel.  Are you ready for this?  10 1/2 inches long.  I don't know what's more scary . . . the fact that 10 1/2 inches already sounds long . . . or that this boy is going to DOUBLE that length before he makes his debut.

Not much to report this week.  Pregnancy wise, I'm still feeling good.  Little boy is CRAZY active.  He is still nameless.  My husband and I have started tossing some names out there and agree on nothing, so he will likely remain nameless for quite a bit longer.  I have still done absolutely nothing to work on getting our guest room cleaned out.  And I have 3 weeks of work left as of today.

I was hoping to have a bit more energy and motivation by this point in pregnancy, but if being tired and lazy is my only complaint right now, then we are in GREAT shape.

You know what's awesome?  That everything in life is so boring and so normal at the moment that I really don't have much else to say here.  :)

First Nursery Purchase - Check

I purchased bedding for the guest bed in our nursery.  I could not bring myself to splurge on the bedding I really wanted.  I found something that appears to be the right color and worked out to being 1/5th of the price.  It had free shipping and can also be returned with free shipping, so I'm not taking a huge risk here.

My hope is that it will come, I will love it - and it will motivate me to start cleaning up that room.  Motivation is a weird thing.  The child practicing his kick boxing moves inside can't get me motivated, but maybe a queen size quilt will?  That makes no sense at all, but one can hope, right?

A great appointment today!

Let me just keep up with the good news - I've got wind in my sails and I'm going to go with it as long as it lasts.  Baby boy did not play hide-and-seek with the doppler this morning - my midwife found his heartbeat right away . . . nice and strong.  Of course, I was not worried at all today because he's doing a fine job of letting me know that he's in there.

Blood pressure was good.  A bit higher than normal for me - but I was stuck in traffic, late, and flustered by the time I got there - and it was still a very normal blood pressure.  Weight was just okay.  Nothing to be concerned about - especially considering the rough first trimester I had, but in a perfect world, I won't gain this much weight every 4 weeks.  Trust me when I say that if weight gain is the only thing I have to worry about for the rest of this pregnancy I will be one happy (and unfortunately fatter) woman.

I got my flu shot and Tdap booster.  With a toddler who seems to be a petri dish for illness, and a baby who will be born in both the peak of flu and pertussis season (and will be way too young to be immunized), I'm trying to do my part to provide immunity through breast milk.

We talked about my glucose test from my 17 week appointment.  While not nearly as low as the results from my first pregnancy (54), my test results were 80.  80 is a great fasting blood sugar, but pretty low for a result 60 minutes after consuming straight glucose.  So it looks like I'll likely be battling with hypoglycemia again.  (Not a huge surprise as I am still feeling pretty crappy after I eat.)  I may purchase a glucose meter to keep an eye on it at home.  The combination of the results from my pregnancy with my son and my results from 17 weeks get me an exclusion from the standard 28 week 2 hour fasting glucose test that my midwives perform.  I still have to take a glucose test, but since it seems unlikely that I will have GD, I get to take a modified test (not fasting, and I get to provide my own sugar in the form of fruit/juice) and only if those results come back problematic would I have to take a more official fasting test.  This is music to my ears - because I seriously fear passing out whenever people talk to me about pregnancy, fasting, and sugar water.

I think that's about it.  Great news all around - even with the weight jump and the hypoglycemia news.

Send some motivation my way, please.

Well it's almost official.  Barring no major changes at my office, I will be a stay-at-home mom starting on October 5th.  My company is being awesome and encouraging about me trying to find a new job within the company.  But being completely honest, by the time October rolls around, I'll be 6 months pregnant and the holidays will be just around the corner.  Does anyone want to hire someone who is 6 months pregnant and will be out for at least 3 months right after the holidays are over?  And even better question, do I want to start a job at 6 months pregnant right before the holidays and then feel rushed to take the minimum amount of maternity leave?  But I'm being open minded.  If the right opportunity with my current company came up, I would take it.  (I'm just skeptical about that happening . . . )

Anyway, that changes my "getting ready for baby" timeline significantly.  Because it means that if we leave my son in school for the whole month of October (which we are considering doing), that I could have 3 glorious and wonderful weeks to myself to get some things done around the house that are just going to be impossible to do when I have an almost 3 year old under foot constantly.  My plan to clean out the guest room by the end of 2nd trimester and fix the nursery in the 3rd trimester was assuming that we'd mostly be working on nursery stuff in the evenings and on weekends . . . BUT if I have 3 wonderful weeks to myself in October, I need to accelerate that plan significantly.  

So why, OH WHY, can't I find the motivation to take some of my free time and get my butt into that guest room and start cleaning it out?  I found out about my job on Friday and you know what I did this weekend other than get a haircut?  I sat around and did nothing.  I didn't even walk into the guest room once.  Nor do I want to.  I walk past it . . . see the 2 large dressers full of clothes that need to be re-homed.  Not to mention the closet that is busting with clothes, shoes, and bags.  I just don't want to deal with any of it.  I want to close my eyes one night and wake up in the morning to a room that's been purged for me.  It's so overwhelming that I don't even want to start.  So I don't.  I keep making excuses about having plenty of time.  I DO, in fact, have plenty of time.  But it would be so much smarter to work now and rest later.

Why is the motivation for this task so elusive?  Just writing about it makes me need a nap.

Ouch

Fact: If you or someone you know has suffered through any form of infertility, then you know how many people are completely uneducated and unaware on this topic.

Unfortunately, uneducated and unaware often translates into insensitive.

As I'm enjoying my Saturday getting my hair cut, my stylist and I start talking about pregnancy. She has no idea that I've struggled with trying to conceive our second child.

She asked me if I am a conservative pregnant person when it comes to what I will and won't do in pregnancy. I said I'm probably somewhere in the middle once first trimester is over. I'll have some caffeine and some Tylenol if I need it. If I was at a wedding I'd have a sip or two of champagne, but I'm definitely not that pregnant person who will have a glass of wine on a Tuesday night just because I want one.

I don't know how the conversation turned into how easy pregnancy is for some people and how fragile it is for others. And the words that came out of her mouth were almost paralyzing.

"I know people who have had, like, 3 or 4 miscarriages. Don't they get it? Their bodies are trying to tell them that they can't have a baby."

And with absolutely nothing else to say, "Well I guess it's probably one of those things you don't understand unless you've been through it," made its way out of my mouth.

I was stuck on her words. I could not move past them. Not nearly as painful as they would have been six months ago - what if this conversation had been 6 months ago? Or what if the woman in the chair next to us is struggling with infertility? Why must people who know nothing about this issue share their opinions when they know nothing about someone else's personal journey?

At least I got a good hair cut.

The 20 Week Baby Bump

I did take this picture yesterday, but thought 3 posts in one day was quite enough.  Now that the expansion has started, I predict it will be exponential.  :)

Hypnobabies

Wow, three posts already today . . . My HypnoBabies home study course just arrived.  Yes, I admit it.  I'm a bit obsessed with natural birthing.

Despite a valiant attempt, I did not have a natural birth with my son.  That failed for a variety of reasons, primarily 1) a doctor who was not encouraging of a natural experience and 2) serious dehydration (I apparently puke a lot from labor pain) that caused my contractions to stop after my water had been broken for over 24 hours.  Overall, it wasn't a bad birth experience.  With massive amounts of pitocin and an epidural I was able to have an almost 10 pound baby vaginally with less than 30 minutes of pushing.  And he arrived into the world safely - which is all anyone can ever really ask for.  But . . .

Here I am, yet again, hoping to get to attempt a completely natural birth experience.  I'm a bit skeptical of self-guided hypnosis to manage labor.  But I have heard wonderful things about the HypnoBabies program.  (Not to be confused with HypnoBirthing - similar principles but fairly different programs.)  We'll see how it goes . . .

Nursery / Guest Room Pictures

SLOW day at work today.  (Long story short, my job might be ending next Friday, or it might not be.  I work on a contract that is expiring and we are waiting to hear about whether or not it will be extended.  And even if it is extended, my role will probably be changing from full to part time.  Nothing like employment, health insurance, AND finances all being up in the air with less than a week and a half to go . . . )  Anyway, as things wind down the amount of work to be done on my end is dwindling.

So keep in mind as I ramble on and on about nursery options, that money may be tight.  There are not many splurge items at all in the room, but the ones I do have may have to go (or be "financed" with gift money for my birthday and Christmas).

Here is a 3D layout of the room.  Keeping our queen size bed is going to make it tight.  While I would love a more open and less cramped room, I can't bring myself to completely eliminate our only guest place to sleep.



That is a bookcase under the window, so even though the far corner of it will be blocked by the dresser, it shouldn't be a problem to slide stuff into that area.  (I think it might look better to have the dresser and bookcase swapped, but then you can't open dresser drawers, so this is what we have.)

As you can see, there is LOTS of open wall space to be decorated.  And I have thousands upon thousands of pictures I have taken that I would love to use to make the space more personal.  (Not to mention, save money by providing my own art.)  I found a color scheme / inspiration nursery on the website projectnursery.com and started sifting through my pictures.

The color scheme is a very soft gender neutral palette with a beachy feel.  Unfortunately my husband does not love the beach and he and I don't have any beach pictures that are meaningful to us.  I really wanted to be able to incorporate one of our Alaska pictures, since we have very few of them up in our home, and it's the most meaningful and memorable place we've been together.  (We got married there.)  But almost all of the landscape pictures seemed too harsh for the softer look I wanted in the room.  Hard landscapes (mountains, barren fields, etc) or really really bold colors.  Then I stumbled across one that was perfect.  We did actually go to a beach in Alaska!  And of all the placed we went in the state, the beach happened to be in the tiny town where we got married.  (Honestly, if I hadn't taken a picture, I probably would have even forgotten the town had a little beach.)  Is it the best picture I've ever taken? Far from it.  But it will work beautifully for the colors I wanted in the room, and it's the closest we will likely ever get to a beach picture that means something to either of us.



This will be printed on a large canvas to hang over the dresser.

And then I just started pulling ideas together from there.  I have an "inspiration board" of products that right now I would love to see in the room, and am having a hard time figuring out where to start.  I think I need to start with the queen size bedding.  Finding bedding in the right colors and for less than a small fortune is going to be tricky.  If I get the right bedding, matching the other smaller accessories to that bedding should be easier.  Furniture will be all white.

Quick run down of what's below:

- Main wall color will be a taupe-ish gray.  Light yellow and light aqua will be the accent colors and may or may not be incorporated with stripes on one or more walls.

 - Bookcase in the top right corner will the the one under the window and will be half that size (2 cubes tall by 4 cubes wide) and will have some open storage and some storage in the yellow bins shown below it.

- Queen bedding in the lower right corner.  Oh my goodness, I love this bedding.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it.  But it's a big splurge.  Particularly if I want both the yellow and aqua.  And it's very hard to tell true colors on the internet.  I've googled around and in some pictures the colors look significantly more pale than they do in the image below.  It's also very hard to tell if that's more yellow or more tan.  Purchasing both sets me back by more than a couple hundred dollars, so I'm keeping my eyes open for more budget friendly options.

- Chevron curtains on the top row . . . Most likely not what we will end up with.  I think we are going to do chevron curtains in our master bedroom and being right across the hall from the nursery, I don't want chevron overload.  The reviews for these curtains are also fairly mixed for the price, and I'm a sewer, so we will likely end up with something custom instead.



The other thing that is bothering me right now is the seemingly disproportionate amount of blue I have relative to yellow.  Impossible to know how it will really look and will likely depend on what ends up being the primary color on the queen size bed.

Thought process right now . . . Buy the yellow bedding and see what it looks like.  If I hate it, then I can rule out this bedding and start looking for something else.  If I love it, then I can either splurge and get the matching aqua set, or save and just do some aqua throw pillows and maybe a matching throw blanket.

Sigh.  If only I didn't have a room full of CRAP to sift through before I could really start this.  And if I only I knew whether or not I was going to have a salary at the end of the month . . .

20 Weeks and So Thankful!

20 weeks.  HOLY CRAP!  We made it to half way.  WE MADE IT TO HALF WAY!!!!  Our little man is supposed to be the size of a cantaloupe right now and is only 4 weeks away from what is considered the gestational age of viability.  

How can I possibly explain how much relief I have had in this past week?  Everything finally feels good.  Physically and emotionally.

Physically:

- The pounds are climbing up.  I knew they would.  My metabolism sucks in pregnancy.  (Not that it was anything grand pre-pregnancy . . . )  Here's how my weight gain works when I'm pregnant:  Spend most of my days eating moderately healthy.  Avoiding excess sweets, trying to eat fairly balanced meals without overeating.  Choose snacks that at least have some nutritional value, etc.  And my weight doesn't budge an ounce for days at a time.  But I am a pregnant woman, and I'd say about once a week I just have to have something indulgent.  Depends on the week, but what I indulge in varies wildly . . . a cupcake, or fast food, or Chipotle, or a huge bowl of pasta, etc.  Or even worse, a whole 3 day holiday weekend of excuses to go out to eat, order take out, and indulge in other forms of social eating.  And when I do any of these things, my weight jumps up A LOT (totally disproportionate to whatever it was that I ate).  It would also do that pre-pregnancy . . .  Just water weight that would disappear a couple of days later, right?  NOPE.  Not when I'm pregnant.  It's a little bit frustrating to feel like I can't eat like a normal pregnant person (or even just a normal person for that matter) without feeling like my next doctor's appointment is going to turn into a reprimand for how much weight I've gained.  It's also a bit frustrating knowing that I started pregnancy on the overweight side, so my gain over this 40 week period should be fairly conservative.  I don't want to be even more overweight at the end than I was at the beginning, so I'm trying to be careful.  But as much as I struggle with weight, I'll be honest . . . this "problem" feels more normal to me than where I was several weeks ago which was barely up at all.

- Speaking of things climbing up . . . Hello baby bump.  If I can find my black tank top, I may try to take a picture today.  My little boy has finally decided to start the journey up from behind my pubic bone, and it's becoming more and more obvious every day that I'm pregnant and not just fat.  LOL.  Most strangers still wouldn't dare ask me if I was pregnant, because it's not THAT obvious - but to people who saw me a couple weeks ago, it's obviously a change.

- And with things moving up into my middle abdomen, the lower cervix and pelvic pain that was almost crippling a few weeks ago is G.O.N.E.!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am almost as happy about this as I was to say goodbye to my sickness a few weeks ago.  There are not words for how worried I was that I was going to spend my entire pregnancy in pain to just walk around the house.  I could not imagine dealing with that pain every day . . . and thankfully, my doctors (and Doctor Google) were right - it was just a growing baby and uterus that hadn't "popped" yet and were keeping the pressure on everything below them.  Time to give my pelvis a break and enjoy a few weeks before my intestines and lungs are the ones getting the constant pressure.  

- He is a mover and a shaker.  I knew, in my mind, if I could get to the point of feeling regular movement that this would be a lot easier on my anxiety.  And little man has not disappointed.  I know that regular movement is not expected this early - in fact it's not expected for another 8 weeks really.  So he could have his slower days coming up.  But for now, even with this anterior placenta, I can almost always elicit some movement from him within 15-20 minutes whenever I need some reassurance that he's okay.  And when he's in the right position and having a burst of activity, it's actually pretty crazy how much I'm feeling at this point.  I did feel my son starting at around 18 weeks, but I don't remember feeling this many movements at 20 weeks.  (Of course, they do say that with subsequent pregnancies you are just more aware, so maybe that's what it is.)  As he was practicing some sort of ninja moves right as I was trying to fall asleep last night, it was hard for me to fight back the tears.  THIS is what pregnancy is supposed to be like.  It's AMAZING, and PERFECT.  (To the point that I actually had a fleeting thought of maybe, just maybe, considering a 3rd child.  Don't worry though, my sanity is back this morning.)

Emotionally:

- I'm not constantly freaking out about what's going to go wrong.  The ultrasound last week helped tremendously.  The pain that has subsided in my lower pelvis helps tremendously.  And little man's movements are truly the most amazing thing I could have asked for this early.  (Based on the location of my placenta I was really expecting to be anxiously waiting for movement for several more weeks.)

- I'm ready to start doing stuff to prepare for his arrival.  Not that there is a HUGE hurry, but we currently have a guest room FULL of stuff, and we were previously going to turn it into a full blown nursery.  But with both of our families out of town, and neither in a real position to pay for hotels if they want to come visit us, we have decided the room will double as a nursery and a guest room.  We still need to do a ton of cleaning / sorting / purging of the items in there to make room for a crib and for all the baby items that will need to be stored.  That will have to happen before we can really start thinking about bringing stuff from our son out of storage - all of which will need to be sorted / cleaned / etc.  I think my goal right now is to have the room cleaned out by the end of 2nd trimester.  That gives me 7 weeks.  And then spend the last 13 weeks digging baby stuff out of storage and turning the room into a functional nursery/guest room.  

- Is it weird that as good as I'm feeling, I don't want to think about names for this little boy yet?  I can't explain it.  Maybe it's just because I don't have any boy names I really love.  Or maybe it's because I know my husband and I won't agree and I don't feel like negotiating this decision right now.  I don't know.  We still have 20 weeks to think about it.  No hurry.  (Except my husband wants to do it - like NOW.)

- See the first point under my emotional well-being right now . . . I am not constantly freaking out, I swear.  But I am definitely still a little concerned about whether or not those elevated AFP levels could indicate a complicated 3rd trimester problem.  I am so very very thankful to have been referred to MFM and to have another ultrasound in 6 weeks.  That helps keep me a lot more sane about what could possibly happen.

And I think that's it for now.  Hopefully we will have many many more weeks like this . . . Where the joy outweighs the worry and my biggest concern is whether or not to eat those french fries I so desperately want. 

It's official!

No going back now.  My picture frames arrived, my son cooperated, and I got a ridiculously cute series of pictures of him announcing his baby brother's arrival.  We put the word up on our family blog and on Facebook this morning.  I felt a brief moment of "Oh shit, I can't believe I'm posting this," but it was short lived.  And now we have what we hope is a very normal, calm, and uneventful 20 weeks left to enjoy it.

In the mind of a 2 1/2 year old

My 2 1/2 year old is crazy.  And not always in a good way.  We've been having an extremely difficult time lately with boundaries, discipline, expectations, communication, etc.  And I've heard that a lot of this is normal 2-3 year old behavior.  But woah.  There are days when I just feel like I can't take another moment of his screaming or defiance.  Just earlier this week he had his first incident at school where his defiance landed him in the director's office because his teacher couldn't get through to him.  Oh yes.  It's a fun time.  :)

But he's 2 1/2.  He's VERY particular about how he wants things done.  He's smarter than I ever imagined a child his age could be.  And he's testing what he can get away with.  I remind myself 5,000 times a day - this is normal, this is normal, this is normal.  He will not act this way forever, he will not act this way forever, he will not act this way forever.

And then for every insane, crazy, difficult moment we have, we have moments of sheer joy - when I see what a kind and gentle little boy he really can be, and I wonder how a child could be so wonderful.

(Yes, it's a great big roller coaster.)

We haven't told him much about the baby at all.  We certainly told him nothing during the first trimester.  Explaining a baby to a child is hard enough without then worrying about un-explaining it.  And then we've brought it up here and there a couple of times since our 12 week ultrasound.  He has an 8 month old cousin "A" who he has been around several times since she was born and he ADORES her.  You have never seen anything sweeter.  He is SO gentle an SO compassionate with her.  He wants to share toys with her and hug her, and he tells us that he loves her.  So every now and then we will say, "Would you mommy and daddy to get you a friend like "A"?"  And he always says, "YES!" with so much enthusiasm.  

But last night we went further with this story than we've gone before.  We told him he has to be careful with my belly (good grief he loves to jump into my lap) because there is a baby brother inside my belly.  And one day baby brother will come out and our son will have a little friend just like "A."   

And the whole time I'm explaining this I'm feeling like I'm talking to myself and he is not going to comprehend a single solitary word.  Let me tell you something . . . don't ever underestimate the mind of an almost 3 year old.

First reaction.  "Can I touch baby brother?"  Yes.  Of course touching through my shirt did not suffice, he wanted to touch my belly.  I explained when he was touching that baby brother is safe inside right now.

Second reaction.  Runs to grab a matchbox car and jams it in my belly button and says, "It's for baby brother."  Cue pregnancy hormones and the tears started coming.  Aside from being ridiculously funny that he thought he could share one of his cars with baby brother through my belly button, how much sweeter of a reaction could you ask for from a little boy???

Third reaction.  "I want baby brother to come out now."  Hahahaha.  Oh dear.  My son barely understands the concept of tomorrow.  We tried to explain that he won't come out for a while longer - and it's going to seem like a long time.  How much he understood of that explanation, I have no idea.

And that was pretty much it for the conversation last night.  And you never know how much they might remember or forget either.  But I will say again, never underestimate the mind of an almost 3 year old.

We were getting ready for school this morning, and as I was getting dressed he came running up to my belly and yelled, "Hi baby brother!"  And then proceeded to ask me if I could take baby brother out.  LOL.  

It's going to be an interesting several months watching him work through what little understanding we could possibly expect him to have of what's really about to happen to his only-child life.  And an even more interesting transition once baby brother arrives.  (I told my husband last night that I predict baby brother will be here for about 45 minutes before our son asks if we can put him back!)

But one thing I know for sure, our son is going to make one amazingly awesome big brother!  :)

Our BOY looks great!

Where do I even begin?

I would try to explain my anxiety leading up to today's appointment, but I think I'd rather show you my anxiety. Azumio is a company that has several cool iPhone apps. One that can read your heart rate, one that assesses the quality of your sleep, and one that claims to measure stress. The heart rate and sleep apps are very cool and for the most part I've found them surprisingly accurate. The stress app is fun, but I don't know how scientific it is . . . My stress level seems to always fall in the medium range (30ish to 50ish percent). What are the odds my stress level is always in the same range? Well as my appointment was running a few minutes late and I felt more and more sick, I thought I'd check my stress level for a way to pass a few minutes:



My highest reading ever prior to this was 48%!!!

Luckily my appointment started shortly thereafter.

I learned that my second AFP level was 2.8 MoM - worse than the first reading.  We had a very long ultrasound (it lasted almost an hour) and the technician was very thorough.  We had to stop a couple of times, take a break, have me roll over, move around, etc because baby boy was not exactly wanting to cooperate with all the spine shots that the technician needed.  But he finally obliged and she got all the measurements for both the standard anatomy scan and the scan for the elevated AFP.

And yes, it's a he.  Obviously and clearly, a he.

To get right to the point, his brain and spine look PERFECT.  As does everything else for that matter, with the exception of his left kidney, which has a little bit of extra fluid on it.  Not only did they tell us that it's nothing to worry about, but we went through this EXACT same thing with our son (even the same kidney), and know first hand that it's really not a problem.

A couple of other important notes.  My cervix - which I had been worried about because of the extremely low pain I've been having . . . 4cm and closed - EXCELLENT.  My placenta - so ridiculously anterior that it's hard to believe a random biological event would be that perfect centered in the front . . . but it's already moved up from my 12 week appointment and is not anywhere remotely near my cervix at this point.  Fluid levels are normal.

Size.  Hahahahahaha.  Hahahahahaha.  Oh lucky me.  Everything, and I mean everything is measuring ahead by almost a week.  From the skull to the femur.  And a 19 week fetus should weigh ~8.5 ounces and our boy is already estimated to be 10 ounces.  He seems to be following in his big brother's footsteps already!

After the ultrasound we got to meet with our MFM doctor (he didn't actually perform the ultrasound).  When we were referred to this practice, I of course did my research and found that overall it was a well liked and well trusted practice in our area.  They have two locations and doctors bounce back and forth between both locations depending on the day.  While all the doctors are well liked, Dr. K. is who you want to see.  He's the most senior, and general considered *the* MFM guy.  I was freakin ecstatic when I heard he was the doctor there today.  I was THRILLED.  He reviewed my chart - both the test results sent over by my midwives and the ultrasound images and said he absolutely rules out any neural tube defects with the baby.  The absolute only problem he sees is the kidney issue that the tech had already told us about.  He made us swear that we understood it was really a non-issue (he was relieved we've been through it before, so he didn't have to sell that point).  BUT . . . big BUT . . .

My MoM levels did rise fairly significantly considering there was only 1 week between blood draws.  And remember, those aren't absolute levels - those are levels relative to the median adjusted for gestational age.  So at 16w6d my levels were 2.56x higher than you would expect them to be and at 17w6d my levels were 2.8x higher than you would expect them to be.  So we can not rule out the possibility of placenta problems.  Dr. K. highlighted everything I really already knew . . . The possibility of pre-term labor.  The possibility of IUGR.  The possibility of placental abruption.  But he was also very pointed with his words.  He said, "You are parents.  You are hearing 'pre-term labor' and 'IUGR' and 'placental abruption.'  The word I want you to focus on is 'possibility.'  You may very likely experience none of these things."  But they will be monitored starting in the third trimester with detailed ultrasounds by his staff.  So we scheduled our first one in October when I will be 26 weeks.

Needless to say, the appointment was a HUGE PHENOMENAL success.  Better than we could have ever hoped.  And for whatever brief moments of "oh, we won't get to parent a little girl" we may have had, we are both super excited and actually downright thrilled to fill out our family with another little boy.

And if you made it this far, here are some pictures of our little healthy man.

People always commented on how perfectly symmetrical my son's "softball" head was when he was a bald baby.  Looks like little brother will be no different:



And I'm not actually a fan of 3D ultrasounds, but with the elevated risk concerns, they did do several 3D images and measurements.  (And yes, I did block out his boy parts out of this picture.  Even fetuses deserve a little privacy.)



And one final note.  We finally told big brother about all of this tonight.  I'll share that story tomorrow.  But I teared up on more than one occasion.  For as difficult as our 2 1/2 year old can be sometimes, he has moments when I truly can't imagine a more perfect child on the planet.  :)

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers over the last week.  I can not begin to tell you what it means to me, and I can happily sign off tonight saying I actually feel like we might get to bring this little guy home in January.

There will be an update tomorrow

Just an FYI. I know some people got worried when I didn't get an update up from our last ultrasound quickly. This will probably go down a lot like that one did. Afternoon appointment. Pick the toddler up from school. Dinner. Family time. Toddler bedtime. Call family to relay news. Blog. But I promise I won't leave people hanging until Friday.

Also, if I took a picture of my belly right now after a big dinner and 3 (yes 3) cupcakes, you'd think I was 30 weeks pregnant. I saw myself in the mirror and did a double-take. LOL. Don't judge on the cupcakes please, what I really want is wine.

19 Weeks (a day early)

I'm not 19 weeks until tomorrow, but tomorrow is a big day and I want to make a fairly "normal" 19 week update.  We'll know a lot more tomorrow than we know today, and that could be either good or bad - and I'd like to at least do one more weekly update in a way that won't be impacted by whatever we learn tomorrow.

So 19 weeks.  Really darn close to half way done.  Our fruit this week is mango.  LOL.  Whatever.  When we were talking about blueberries and limes I sort of had an idea.  Now we go from onion to sweet potato to mango and in my mind, those aren't really a logical growth progression.  Anyway.  Baby should be about 6 inches long.  I'm definitely feeling him/her move a lot more now.  Still not big obvious movements, but if I'm quiet and I pay attention, it's happening a lot more frequently.  Fetal movement is a wonderful WONDERFUL thing.

I've gained 4 pounds since my last freak out about weight, so in total I'm up 7.  Not bad at all.  (But don't expect these weight updates to continue when I inevitably blow up and gain 20 pounds in a week.)  And my stomach, while still not protruding too much, is starting to fill out and get a bit rounder.  When I'm lazy and slouching, I actually think I look almost pregnant and not just fat.  When I stand up straight (like I do for my pictures), there still isn't much there, but at least I can see some growth since 17 weeks.

I think that's it for today.  I'm just trying to find a way to pass the time until 1:30pm tomorrow.  It's going to be a long and difficult couple of days.

Let's change the subject. Boy or Girl?

Okay, I need to lighten the mood for the next 48 hours.  I'm stressed and worried, but this pregnancy is not doomed and I need to try to stay as focused on the non-scary things as possible.

Since our focused ultrasound will now be combined with our anatomy scan, that means we should find out the sex of the baby in about 48 hours.  Based on everything we saw (er, didn't see) and the ultrasound tech's strong opinion from our 12 week ultrasound, we have thought for a while now that we may likely be having a girl.  But I'm having some mommy intuition that it's a boy.  What do old wive's tales say?

Baby's heart rate?  Girl
Maternal food cravings?  Boy
Chinese birth chart? Girl
Mayan conception calculator? Boy
First trimester sickness?  Girl
Maternal complexion? Boy

Surprise - they seem to split about 50/50?!?!?!  (Which is no surprise at all, if you are like me and don't believe in any of these things at all.)

Do I have a preference?  I won't lie.  I would love to have a little girl.  This will be our last child and I always imagined having a family with at least one boy and one girl (there was a time in my life when pregnancy wasn't such a horrifying event and I wanted more than 2 children).  I want to experience the joys of parenting both a little boy and a little girl.  And honestly, with my husband, my son, and our dog - the testosterone in this house is a little overwhelming at times . . . I need to buy a pink dress - and I don't even like pink.

Then I think about my son, and how much he is "all boy" and how much he would LOVE to have a brother to romp with, get dirty with, wrestle with, etc.  And it makes my heart want to explode with joy.

Does it really matter either way?  Heck no.  If we find out we are having a healthy girl on Thursday, tears of joy will stream down my face.  If we find out we are having a healthy boy on Thursday, tears of joy will stream down my face.

Almost everyone I know who has a feeling about this (husband, mom, sister in law, etc) all think it's a girl.  I'm going against everyone else and the 12 week ultrasound and saying boy.  I suppose we will see how good maternal instinct really is . . .