I am in pain.

I don't really know what else to say. I don't know if it's depression or if it's normal grief. But I am hurting a lot. Nobody understands. Friends are either about to have babies or announcing they are pregnant. And I just hurt. There are some days when I feel like there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and then there are days like today when I am convinced that I will hurt forever. Forever.

14 Vials

14 vials of blood later, my RPL panel has been drawn. Not without incident. The lab receptionist had trouble reading the doctor's ordered tests and entered my name incorrectly into the system. I'll be amazed if all the right tests were done and they all make it to my doctor.

Oh, and I had to give a credit card to cover whatever isn't covered by insurance...Nothing like $6,200 in blood work to enhance the holiday season!

About the Duggars (Briefly)

This isn't a blog where I ever talk about other people and their fertility decisions. I do not agree with a lot of what I know about the Duggars, and they likely wouldn't agree with a lot of things about my life either. But I do want to talk briefly about her most recent pregnancy.

The EXACT day Michelle Duggar publicly announced she was pregnant with their 20th child, was the EXACT day that my husband and I found out we had lost our 5th pregnancy. It was a raw day for me and I was very angry at some of the rhetoric used in her pregnancy announcement. The implication being that God was giving them babies, and they would take as many as God would give them. Of course, in my fragile emotional state, I wanted to throat punch her through the television. The arrogance. The entitlement. That somehow God had chosen her to be special. God chooses her to have 20 babies, and chooses me to grieve the loss of 4 of mine.

But in our own grief and suffering, the Duggars and their life went back to being the least of my worries or concerns. Until a month later, when the world learned she had miscarried. And in the weeks that have passed since then, I am shocked and appalled at the disgusting things that have been said about her.

NO ONE deserves to lose a baby. NO ONE deserves the grief, suffering, and heartache that comes with the loss of a pregnancy. NO ONE should ever be judged for how they handle their grief after such a loss. People may not agree with the lifestyle the Duggars live, but for crying out loud - let her grieve in peace. Every woman deserves at least that much in a time like this.

CD1

It's been over 3 months since I've had to deal with a period. And today she returns. After a 34 day cycle with a textbook 14 day LP, she's here. If my first cycle post m/c is anything like my first cycle after last summer's m/c, I'm in for a long miserable week.

I don't exactly know how to feel about this. Glad it's over. Sad it's over. I mean, it's been over for a while. But now it's really really over. I still have to call my doctors and tell them my period is back. I'm dreading doing that. I don't know why - I don't even like having to talk to them any more.

Sigh.

This does mean that I'll get to have my blood panel done before we leave town for the holidays so maybe, just maybe, the results will be ready shortly after we get back into town.

I've been doing a ridiculous amount of thinking lately. About whether or not I want to try again. Maybe if the RPL testing gives us some "answers" I'll feel better about it. But this last loss has been really rough on me. Much rougher than I ever imagined it could be. And I don't know how I would handle another loss. I don't know if it's fair to put my family through that. My perfect blessing of a son deserves so much more than a mom who is emotionally wrecked. And even if the next one isn't a loss, I will be a nervous wreck for the entire pregnancy. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about whether or not I would even be able to enjoy another pregnancy.

One step at a time. One slow step at a time. RPL testing, get this miserable period over with. And then enjoy Christmas with my family. My sweet, wonderful, beautiful little boy deserves that - and a whole lot more.

Ovulation and BFN. Time to move on.

Well, I ovulated. Almost on fucking schedule. How is that even possible? I was 10 weeks pregnant and I ovulated 17 days after I passed the embryo (20 days from when the heavy bleeding started). Normal ovulation for me is 14-16 days into my cycle. Un-freaking-real. The day I ovulated I took a pregnancy test and there was still the faintest shadow of line there. Today it is gone. That is what the online pregnancy community refers to as a BFN (big fat negative).

So there is nothing at all physically left of this pregnancy now. Other than the pictures from our ultrasound the day we saw the heartbeat. I don't think I'll keep those forever, but right now I can't bring myself to throw them away.

If only my mind would heal as quickly as my body. :(

Dark days

Ah yes I knew these days were coming. The days where I still ache to the point that I can't see straight through my tears. The days where I feel so lonely and isolated that I can't breath. The days where my exhaustion, depression, and frustration manifest themselves in my anger at the world.

Ah yes. As if losing my pregnancies wasn't impossible enough, I now worry about my relationships that are suffering.

My son. My perfect beautiful miracle. How does one remain a good mother through suffering like this? I have been a horrible mother lately. Getting through, but only going through the motions. And getting beyond frustrated with tantrums and whining and other completely normal 2 year old behavior. It's not fair to him, and I hate it.

And my marriage. It's rough. My husband lost his father this year. I've lost 3 babies in 6 months. We are each trying to grieve and should be supporting each other. And we are struggling with that significantly.

I am so ready to curl up in a ball and give up. How much more can I possibly fucking take?

Well hello there OPK

I'm really trying to stay on top of my cycle in this waiting period. And I've been having some signs that ovulation might be about to happen, so this morning I took an OPK. In order to be positive, the test line has to be equally dark or darker than the control line.

Left is test. Right is control.



Darker, no. But as dark? Maybe not quite, but really darn close if you ask me.

Now this doesn't mean I'm going to ovulate tomorrow. I can have positives on these things for over 4 days, but let's recap. I'm only 18 days out from when the heavy bleeding started and only 15 days out from passing the embryo, and here I am (still biochemically pregnant) gearing up to throw out another egg.

My body sure does want to get pregnant. If only it would be happy to stay that way . . .

My arm hurts just looking at this list

Here are all the tests that have been ordered for me:

- Anticardiolipin Ab, IgG, Qn
- Protein S Panel
- Factor V Leiden Mutation
- Protein C Deficiency
- PrtCAg+PrtSAg
- Antitrhombin III, Func/Immunol
- Hemoglobin A1C
- Prolactin
- TSH, 3rd generation
- Free T4
- Lupus anticoagulant
- Beta-2 glycoprotein
- Prothrombin gene mutation
- Karotype

Dr. D Consult

We showed up to our consult with our 30 pages of homework filled out. She was every bit as nice and calming and comforting as I expected based on what I had read about her. She was also very positive - telling us that if all of our tests come back normal that we have a 75% of success with our next pregnancy. I don't know why, that part made me cry. Probably because I don't believe it.

We have lots of tests coming up. Okay, I have lots of tests coming up. My husband only has 1 test. I am not going to have any testing done until my period shows up again. While some tests like the genetics don't require homeostatic hormone levels, others do and I'd rather just go once. So here's what we have coming up:

1) A sonohysterogram. An ultrasound procedure where they will inflate my uterus with saline via a catheter and then do a detailed ultrasound to look for any uterine abnormalities such as a septate (heart shaped) uterus or any fibroids or polyps. The chance that I have a septate uterus that went unnoticed through my entire first pregnancy is slim, but possible. The chance of fibroids or polyps that may have developed since my first pregnancy is greater - given that my periods have changed since I had my son (they are extremely heavy) and that in this most recent pregnancy the baby was situated in a position where the ultrasound tech couldn't get good measurement. Treatment is relatively straightforward, but does require surgery.

2) Hormonal deficiencies / abnormalities. The list here is LONG. My lab work writeup calls for 15 different tests and most of them fall under this category. Everything from thyroid to prolactin to diabetes. We did talk about my thyroid results from July and I'll talk about that a little more below. Treatment with medication is relatively easy for all of these problems.

3) Clotting disorders. There are acquired types of clotting disorders and there are inherited forms. There are two things in my history that point to an unlikelihood that this is our problem - 1) an uncomplicated full term pregnancy with my son and 2) the previous use of hormonal birth control with no complications (birth control pills can cause clotting problems). However, there is 1 very alarming piece of my history - my dad died of a stroke when he was 49 years old and he was adopted, so we have no family history at all. Given such a young age for such a serious stroke she is testing me for all clotting disorders. Treatment with medication is relatively easy for this problem as well.

4) Chromosomal abnormalities. Now we get to the complicated stuff. She said she sees this in about 3-5% of RPL patients. It is possible that my husband or I could have genetic translocation. This is where an individual is completely normal because they have all of their required genetic material, but it can be located in the wrong place. It creates no problems for the person with the translocation, however when trying to create an embryo, the genetic material from the egg and the sperm do not match up. This is the most serious of all the problems we talked about. Depending on what chromosomes could potentially be translocated, the chance of miscarriage could range from 50% to 95%. It is absolutely possible for someone with genetic translocation to create a healthy embryo (like our son), it's just a lot more common for a genetically abnormal embryo to develop. Given our 2 chemical pregnancies (most very early pregnancies that terminate are due to chromosomal abnormalities) I am concerned about this one. Treatment is not easy or cheap - it requires in vitro fertilization with preimplantation genetic diagnosis (IVF w/ PGD).

So that's where we are. We will have all of these tests done and go back for a follow up consultation with her. She did warn us that more than 50% of all RPL patients get through this initial testing with an unexplained diagnosis. But we will cross that bridge later.

I do like her, and she's one of the best in our area - so I'm trying to stay positive. There are however, a couple of things that worry me:

1) No semen analysis. Because we get pregnant so easily she thinks it would be a waste to do a SA. Obviously my husband doesn't have a shortage of swimmers, but I would have been more comfortable if we were at least going to address the quality of his sperm. While we are talking about it, I wouldn't mind knowing about the quality of my eggs.

2) She doesn't have a problem with a TSH of up to 3.5 and she also doesn't treat thyroid antibodies. She is the expert, so I'm not going to get upset about this . . . YET. However, if everything else I listed above comes back normal and my TSH stays at this borderline level, I may be seeking a 2nd opinion.

So that's where we are. Now I just wait for my period to show up so we can start these tests.

The Faintest of Faint Lines (again)

Sigh.

I wrote this post already. I wrote it on Monday, October 3rd. I was 9dpo and my pregnancy test had the slightest shade of pink you could imagine. Most people would have thrown those tests in the trash without thinking twice. But I could see something.

That was the beginning . . .

Today, I took another pregnancy test and got the exact same barely there pink line. Again, most people wouldn't even notice it. But there it is. Staring me in the face. Pregnant. Still pregnant. Even though the bleeding has stopped and the baby is long gone. I am here, still hormonally pregnant, and sobbing.

This is the end.

Out of the closet

Well I got my nerve up and told my mom, brother, and sister-in-law about our woes over Thanksgiving. I asked everyone not to cry while I fumbled my way through finding the words.

They are of course sad and worried. But also very understanding and supportive.

It was never supposed to be a big secret. There was the first pregnancy which was when my son was so young. That was more of a wow-people-are-going-to-think-we-are-crazy-for-getting-pregnant-so-fast thought process that resulted in us not sharing the news. We also thought the miscarriage was a fluke and a result of my body just not being ready for another pregnancy. Then the two chemical pregnancies came and went so quickly there wasn't really a need to get anyone upset over them.

And then, of course, there was our most recent pregnancy. The one we thought would be the happy ending. We thought we would be telling them about our pregnancy over the holidays and keeping our loss (and upcoming testing from them) just didn't seem right.

I was worried they would be upset about us not telling them sooner. But they seem to understand - or at the very least understand that we are in enough pain not to question the way we've handled this up until now.

So for the most part it feels good to be out in the open. I can't say I feel any less lonely. But I don't think I expected to feel any different. I'm just glad it's out in the open - and I don't have to fumble through those words again.

December 1st and an HCG Update

Well our first consult with Dr. D is on December 1st. I'm nervous, anxious, and scared. I don't want to say that I'm excited or hopeful, but let's say I'm glad to be moving onto a possible solution.

My current doctor called Friday with good news - my HCG is now down to 37.5. That's absolutely wonderful. Low enough that I don't have to go back for more blood work. I have to track myself at home for the next couple weeks and report back when I get a negative home pregnancy test or when my period comes back. I can't believe this pregnancy is almost over.

I still cry about it a lot. Every day. I thought this one would be different. I am supposed to be 11 and 1/2 weeks pregnant and instead I've just finally stopped bleeding and my blood work is now lower than where it was only 12 days after I ovulated. I don't know how to ever feel okay again. I still just can't stop wanting this baby back.

I guess I should start charting again

Even though we are definitely trying to avoid getting pregnant until we get as many answers as we can, I need to track when I start ovulating again.

I started charting after my first miscarriage and from the day the natural miscarriage occurred it took exactly 40 days for my period to show up again. Not bad considering my cycles are usually 28-30 days long. (Of course I am also the person who had a period at 7 weeks post-partum even when exclusively breastfeeding.) I can't seem to keep a period away even under the craziest circumstances . . . which raises a whole slew of questions I have about my estrogen/progesterone balance. (Yes, more indications of a progesterone problem.)

I know that my husband has probably wanted to throw my BBT thermometer out the window more than a couple of times over the last year and a half (I charted even when we weren't actively TTC) . . . but I know a lot of things that I wouldn't know about my body if I weren't charting. And I want to know how it is going to react to this miscarriage.

I need to make all sorts of notes of things I want to mention to Dr. D.

Dr. D

Well my research is done and I'm going to try to schedule my first consultation soon. I have heard nothing but wonderful things about Dr. D. She has had personal struggles with both infertility and RPL - and because of that she is said to be extraordinarily compassionate. I don't want someone to hand hold me or sugar coat things. But I also do not want someone who views RPL as nothing more than a clinical diagnosis.

I'm nervous and anxious, but I know we need to do this.

About Progesterone

I mentioned in my Ramblings post a couple days ago that my progesterone was REALLY low on 11/8 - the day the m/c was discovered.

It was 4. Yes F-O-U-R.

That is a level that will not only not support pregnancy, but won't even support getting pregnant. (P should be between 5-10 post ovulation just to support implantation. It should be well over 15 to support pregnancy until the placenta takes over that function sometime around 12 weeks.)

So let me repeat. Mine was fucking four.

What does this mean? It either means that the embryo ceased to be viable and my progesterone tanked immediately OR my corpus luteum failed, and my lack of progesterone is what terminated the pregnancy.

What do we know? We know the embryo grew a fair bit between the 2 ultrasounds. So even though we don't know exactly when that amazing little heartbeat stopped flickering, the amount of growth would indicate it was closer to when we did the second ultrasound than the first. So would a normal progesterone level (should have been well over 20) plummet in just a day or two down to 4? Don't know, but doesn't seem likely to me.

What seems more likely is that my progesterone may have been on the edge the whole time. I hadn't had blood drawn since I was 5 weeks along, so I don't know this either. But it's a lot easier to imagine that my progesterone was falling over time and ended up so low that viability ceased somewhere along the way.

Why else is this the most likely culprit in my head? Because thyroid and progesterone are very tightly related and we know that my thyroid levels are not ideal for pregnancy. (Despite being blown off by my doctors.)

My doctor said she would prescribe progesterone the next time I was pregnant - even though we'll never know whether or not the death of the embryo caused the P drop or the other way around. But she said nothing about looking into my thyroid as a culprit.

Just one of the many reasons I'm moving onto a specialist in RPL.

Can of worms

I have so much pain and anger and sadness bottled up inside. I ache everyday to have just one of these pregnancies back. I fear that I am so broken that no one will be able to fix me. I have emotions I don't even fully comprehend.

And I carry this burden mostly alone. Sure, my husband knows everything. And my best friend does too. But for most of the people around me, I put on my happy face, and no one has noticed any cracks in the facade...yet.

But the holidays are coming, and our son will be 2 in a couple weeks. Spending time with family at a time we hoped to be announcing our most recent pregnancy, and the inevitable questions about when we are having another child...I don't know if I will be able to hold it all in.

Why am I holding it all in? I don't want to share this pain with others. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hurt my family over the fact that this has been kept from them all along. I don't want to open a can of worms that I will never be able to close again.

But the end of this secret may be near through no choice of my own. If I need a D&C or if any of our RPL testing requires anesthetic procedures, my husband has said (and I agree) that I have to at least tell my mom. I can't go in for surgery and not tell her. That's not fair.

So I feel like if this can of worms has to be opened that I should just go ahead and do it. But I'm still not sure if I'm ready. We'll see...

Beta Update

Even though I thought I passed the "products of conception" Tuesday and ended up not passing them until this morning, my HCG levels are plummeting which is awesome.

11/8 - 9,000 (Day m/c was discovered)
11/15 - 2,900 (I originally thought I miscarried fully the night of the 11/15.)
11/17 - 490 (This was taken to confirm a large drop after the 11/15 event.)

Considering what I passed this morning was the missing piece of what should have happened Tuesday night, I expect a significant drop next week as well.

I know my body too well . . .

I, in fact, did not miscarry on Tuesday 11/15 at 9w5d. I painfully labored for the entire evening and passed a lot of clots and lots and lots of blood, but I knew there should have been more. I knew it.

I told my doctors. I told my husband. I told 2 friends who are unfortunate enough to be close enough to me to get the gory details. I even said it in my last post. My doctors assured me that you don't always see or feel what you may expect and that everything sounded normal and not to worry. But I knew it.

With no cramps, and no warning whatsoever, I miscarried this morning on a routine trip to the bathroom. 11/18, 10w1d. This was what I knew was supposed to happen Tuesday.

Have I mentioned how lucky I am to work from home? Because if that had happened at work, I would have freaked out. Mildly traumatizing considering I thought this was behind me. Yikes.

I called my doctors. They are fine with letting me wait everything out through the weekend. As long as I don't continue to bleed heavily and don't pass any more clots, I am probably fine and this is probably over. The concern being that OBVIOUSLY my body did not get rid of everything when it was laboring. So there could potentially be more "stuff" left.

Please, please, please, please let this be the end for real this time.

The end. (I hope.)

Tuesday night, 11/15, should have been 9w5d. It happened. It was extraordinarily painful - hours of actual labor. (My first m/c was not nearly as intense.)

I won't go into detail about comparing the products of one m/c to another, but let's just say I was expecting more.

I relayed my concern to my doctors, but until we see what my blood work does, there is really no way to know if my body took care of this or not.

My HCG needs to drop precipitously from week to week. Here's what we know already:
11/8 - 9,000 (day m/c was discovered)
11/15 - 2,900 (morning the day the m/c started)

Please let this be over. If I end up needing a D&C, I will be really pissed.

"How are you doing?"

Pardon my profanity, but how the fuck I supposed to answer that question???

If my doctors ask me that question one more time I am going to flip out and lose my shit. My husband says they are just trying to check on me. Yeah, I get it. So ask, "Is there anything we can do for you?" Or say, "Please call us if you need to talk." But, "How are you doing???"

Perhaps I should say what goes through my head every time they ask. "I just LABORED for 6 hours to flush my dead baby down the toilet. How am I supposed to be doing???"

Ramblings

Well today I should be 9w4d pregnant. And instead I am on my 3rd day of spotting in what is proving to be a VERY slow beginning of the end.

I have follow up bloodwork and an appointment with my midwife tomorrow. I am researching like a mad woman to find out what questions I need to ask and where we need to go for answers. The obvious starting point is an RE, but the more and more I research, the more I realize that recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) is not something that many people have a great understanding about. Sure there are standard tests, and we will have them all done and hope for some answers. Forgive me for not being hopeful right now. My mind is already trying to figure out how to push further when all those tests inevitably tell us we have no problems. Not the right attitude to have, but I'm about to lose my 4th pregnancy in 18 months. I don't think it's possible to have a different attitude.

Unless things substantially pick up in the next 24 hours, I will be asking for Cytotec or a D&C tomorrow. This embryo has been dead for at least a week (probably longer based on what my progesterone levels were last week). I want it out of me. ASAP.

In all of my research today, I came across a quote that really struck a nerve. Most things strike a nerve lately, but I had made it all day without crying until I came across this -

"You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."

Truer words have never been written.

8w5d - No heartbeat

The measurement last week was worrisome. The lack of symptoms this whole time was worrisome. But our beta results gave me hope. That heartbeat last week gave me hope. Hope fucking sucks. Our follow-up ultrasound today showed a lifeless embryo and a sac that is starting to detach from the uterus.

Loss #4. Is this even real? I'm angry, numb, devastated, and pretty much hopeless.

Houston, we have a heartbeat!!!

Ahhhhhhh. I guess tears would have been the outcome of my first ultrasound no matter what the result. Within seconds of starting the ultrasound the tech said, "I see a heartbeat." And I cried. Relief. Excitement. And honestly a little bit of disbelief. It was overwhelming. I kept telling myself the entire car ride in that if there was nothing there that it would be okay. And I hadn't really let myself believe that it would all be okay.

But in the spirit of having something else to worry about, the baby was in a very difficult position to measure, and was measuring very small. It was only measuring 6w4d, and considering I had gotten positive pregnancy tests (both urine and blood) 4 weeks earlier, that is a little alarming. (You don't get a positive test at 2 1/2 weeks - you just don't. Conception occurs at ~2 weeks and implantation takes another 6-12 days then another 2-3 days for a test to become positive.)

So there are 3 possibilities for what may be going on:

1) The way our little bean is snuggled up against the wall of my uterus made it impossible to measure him/her from more than one angle. The u/s tech was not confident in her measurements at all. She said if she could have seen from every angle then she would be comfortable with the measurement, but she just wasn't okay with a measurement that far behind based on what she could measure.

2) Our little one got off to a slow start. Not unheard of at all. It used to be believed that in very early pregnancy all embryos grew at the same rate. Now it seems that theory is a little less black and white and there can be variability in the rates of development even during early pregnancy.

3) Our little one is not growing appropriately.

So what does all of this mean? I go back on November 8th for another ultrasound to find out. Even if our little bean is still nestled in an awkward position, we should be able to determine if there has been appropriate growth in the last week. If we can rule out #3, then honestly I don't really care whether the explanation is #1 or #2.

If the answer is #1, then I'm not sure what we do if we can't get a good measurement again this week. If the answer is #2 then we adjust my due date, and instead of being 8 weeks pregnant today I'm only 7 weeks pregnant.

Here's the breakout of my possible due dates:

Based on my last menstrual period: 6/14/11
Based on when I know I ovulated: 6/17/11
Based on current u/s measurements: 6/21/11

So until Tuesday, I am just super thankful that we seem to have a living child inside of me and I hope that we see good growth when we go in!!!

6 weeks

No news is good news, right? I am 6 weeks pregnant today and I have nothing to report. Several days ago I was having very strong period-like cramps and thought for sure it was going to be over. But those have gone away thank goodness.

Unfortunately I don't have many real pregnancy symptoms to report yet either. But no news is good news.

11 days until my appointment. I think this may be the second slowest 11 days in my life - second to only the end of my first pregnancy.

954 and 5 Weeks

The 4th beta came in at 954. This is a doubling time of 49 hours. I hate to see it slowing down, but I have to remind myself anything between 48 - 72 hours is good AND once you get to 1,200 the range of normal slows to 72-96 hours. So it makes sense that as I'm getting close to 1,200 that they will slow down. But I still hate to see it slow down.

So yesterday I was 5 weeks pregnant. This marks the furthest I've been in pregnancy since my miscarriage in 2010. I wish I felt more pregnant. The initial queasiness I had is totally gone. I'm fairly crampy, and my boobs hurt from time to time, and I'm just now starting to feel really tired. But I want to really feel pregnant.

I just need to be patient. Our first appointment and ultrasound are on October 31st. It is going to be a stressful morning. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst, while at the same time not putting a damper on my spirit for the next couple weeks.

As I told my best friend yesterday . . . over the next 2 1/2 weeks, no news is good news.

484!

Beta #3 was 484! This is outstanding news. I didn't have any blood draws over the weekend, so the calculation from 65 to 484 is based on a 4 day period instead of 2 days, but the increase is still excellent. Doubling time of approximately every 33 hours.

Beta #4 was drawn yesterday and I will get the results today.

All signs point toward good things. But I must admit that I have been a little down over the last 24 hours. Thinking about everything that could still go wrong. Thinking about the possibility that this may be another pregnancy that doesn't work.

I am trying not to dwell on the bad stuff too much.

I am 5 weeks pregnant today, and for that, I am forever thankful!

65!!!

My 48 hour beta was 65!!! That is awesome - a doubling time of just under 20 hours!!!

Progesterone also made a huge jump from 14 to 21 which is also excellent.

It's not quite time to relax. I have more betas today and Wednesday. If those continue to look good, then I will have an ultrasound in 3 weeks.

For now, I am still hopeful. Cautious, nervous, and scared - but hopeful.

Line Progression (aka - Where I Prove My Psychosis)

Having no control over this process, and having to wait and wait and wait is hard enough when you aren't scared to death of a miscarriage. When you have had a loss, the waiting game and the inability to have any control over the outcome becomes damn near paralyzing.

I kid you not, if I could take my blood at home, I would. But I can't. So what do I do? I pee on sticks.

Here we have 10, 11, and 12 dpo.



A normal person would say, "Holy crap, that's a dark line for 12dpo." I know. That's a really dark line for 12dpo. My period isn't even late yet.

But in my head, this turns into, "Shit. Why didn't the line get a lot darker between 11 and 12 dpo?" Seeing the jump between 10 and 11dpo was so calming to my fears. Seeing the very modest (barely there) increase between 11 and 12dpo, has got me teetering on the edge of freaking out.

My doctor's office closes at noon tomorrow - so I will have my 2nd beta results in about 24 hours.

Nerves

I know it's all out of my hands. I know that worrying about my thyroid issue isn't going to change either my thyroid numbers or the outcome of this pregnancy. I have done everything my doctor asked of me, including the acupuncture (every single week since July). We agreed that we would give another pregnancy a chance before moving onto next steps. So why am I so terrified of my blood draw today? Like tears streaming down my face terrified.

First Beta

12.5.

Individual numbers are neither bad nor good - it's all about the doubling time. So based on the progression of my tests over the last couple days, I'm not freaking out yet. That being said, the range of normal is something like 5-300 . . . and I was really hoping for something higher than 12.5.

How am I going to keep myself busy between now and Friday???????

Edited to add: Progesterone level was 14.

Just because I can

I am all too aware of how quickly you can go from being excited about being pregnant to being devastated about losing a pregnancy. So, while I can, I'm going to enjoy every one of these tests I take.

Yesterday's test is on top, the bottom test is from today.



And I've always wanted to take a digital.

I feel like sh*t and it's wonderful

Okay, so feeling like sh*t is never wonderful. But I took my prenatals this morning and I already feel like they are going to come back up.

I had terrible morning sickness with my first pregnancy, moderate morning sickness with the miscarriage, and even with the very short chemical pregnancies I had some queasiness. It seems as though I am one of those people who is very sensitive to even the lowest amounts of HCG.

But if feeling this bad so early means those numbers are rising quickly - I'll take it. I'll take it every day for 9 months.

Friday's blood results can not come soon enough.

It's real

Wow.


First blood draw is this afternoon. Second one will be Thursday. Fingers crossed. Please let us keep this one.

The Faintest of Faint Lines

It's 9dpo and yes, I'm a test-a-holic. Today I had multiple tests with faint lines. So faint that my husband would call me crazy. Squint and hold it in the right kind of light type lines. But they are there. They are the right size, in the right location, and they have color. They are also on "internet cheapies" which are notorious for wicked evap lines even when read in the appropriate time window.

So I'm cautiously, dare I say, optimistic. Lines are surely better than no lines. If the lines are darker tomorrow, I will buy some real tests. If those are positive, I'll tell my husband. And from there, I'll call my doctor towards the end of the week once my period is officially late.

Most people would be jumping up and down. But, I've been down this road before. I feel good. I feel calm. Not worried. Not anxious. But not excited and happy either.

Just ready to see what the next couple of days bring.

Phantom Symptoms

Oh the joys of being 8 dpo on our 8th cycle. The problem is that I've been pregnant enough times now (4 if you are keeping count) - to know that I have very early symptoms.

The other problem is that because I KNOW I have early symptoms I analyze the heck out of every pain and twinge I have in the 2 week wait. And we all know I'm crazy - so I have no idea how many of these things are psychosomatic vs. real.

Here's what's going on for me right now that is not typical for being just over half way through my luteal phase:
- Tingly breasts.
- Non-period like lower abdominal cramps and pains.
- Freezing cold hands and feet.
- Queasiness.
- Wild emotional swings.
- More cervical mucus than I would expect.
- Backaches.

And as crazy as I am, I KNOW that my head could be playing tricks on me. There could be 5 million reasons I am experiencing all of these things that have nothing to do with pregnancy. (Stress being the first one that comes to mind.)

It's going to be a long and sucky 5-6 days.

Trying some of everything

I know myself, and I know that too many more months on this TTC roller-coaster is going to be more than I can handle.

So I've decided to employ some fertility aids this month. Everything from evening primrose oil to robitussin to soft cups (don't ask).

I'm also going to stop partaking in my evening wine consumption. I don't have wine every night, but I've been having it pretty frequently lately.

We'll see . . .

Like Clockwork

Like a reliable clock, my BBT dropped this morning and my period showed up. There is obviously a huge amount of sadness anytime a cycle doesn't work out, but there is also hope for starting another cycle off fresh. The resolution to eat better, exercise more, stress less starts over on calendar day 1 of every cycle.

I had an acupuncture session last night. We discussed things such as changing diets and herbal supplements. I don't know how I feel about that. Dietary changes are one thing - but unregulated herbs (especially while trying to conceive) concern me.

On one hand, I like the idea that there are other things we can try to optimize our fertility before we go more invasive options like IUI and IVF. On the other hand, I don't know that we actually have "fertility" problem. Getting pregnant has not been our issue. So I am reluctant to go much further with this non-traditional medicine before I meet with a RE to get more details on what problems we actually have.

And I can't help but be a little bit angry at how unfair the world is. Drug addicts, alcoholics, people who do not want children - get pregnant all the time. How is it that someone who has a drug problem can carry a child to term, but I can't manage to do it without having needles jabbed in my body once a week (at an ungodly-non-insurance-covered-price-tag)? I try not to dwell on this topic. I am old enough and wise enough to know that life is not fair. I have been blessed with many many things, so I try to focus on what I have been given as opposed to what I can not have, but damnit, sometimes it really stings.

33 Years Old

Today is my 33rd birthday. I am 13 dpo. And even though I'm not all that into celebrating my own birthday, I am not going to take a pregnancy test and ruin an otherwise decent day. I normally have a 13 day luteal phase, so the negative tests I took on 10, 11, and 12 dpo really don't need validation today anyway.

The bright side is that I plan to have a fair amount of wine tonight. And my husband and I are going out to celebrate our anniversary tomorrow night and I plan on having some wine then too.

I had a good cry with my husband last night

There are so many things about this journey that I don't understand. Particularly, why I want another child so badly. Our toddler is a perfectly happy and healthy little boy. I don't believe for two seconds that having a home with an only child would be a bad thing. And yet, when I look at him, my eyes well with tears when I think of him growing up without a sibling. Maybe it's because I grew up with a sibling, maybe it's biological - I just know that I ache for a second child. I weep over the thoughts that pop into my head that maybe, just maybe, it isn't destined to happen for us.

My husband is very sweet. He reminded me that there have only been 2 cycles since my last chemical pregnancy. And one of those cycles was a mandated cycle off. So really this is only our 1st cycle since I started acupuncture. He is very hopeful. And in my head, I know he is right. Unfortunately, my heart still hurts - a lot. And the tears just keep coming.

11dpo Cycle 7

I absolutely hate everything about TTC, but the worst has got to be the dreaded 2-week-wait. Since I've been pregnant 4 times now and have known every time from my immediate symptoms, I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust for us.

I KNOW that it's not over until my period shows up. And I know that implantation can occur as late as 10 or even 12 dpo. I just don't feel like this cycle is it for us.

Sigh.

I'm trying to stay positive. We haven't been trying for that long - but each month I find myself more and more anxious through this agonizing wait.

Here's where we are starting . . .

My July meeting with my midwife was productive. She ran a lot of tests - both blood work and cervix cultures to rule out any number of common culprits behind miscarriage. Unfortunately, neither of my chemical pregnancies was "documented" so I need another loss before my insurance will cover any further testing/investigation.

So after a cycle off, we were told to keep trying. She also highly recommended acupuncture.

I started acupuncture and all my blood and lab work came back normal.

My acupuncturists told me twice that I should look further into my thyroid numbers - that I present as someone who may have hypothyroidism. So I dug out the results that were sent to me in the mail and did my own googling around. Bad idea - Dr. Google never provides any comfort, but is wonderful at providing lots of additional worries.

My TSH levels are just slightly above 3. Which by many standards are normal. But that's a debatable standard as many endocrinologists view anything above 3 as abnormal. And by TTC standards, it's well outside the bounds of what many reproductive endocrinologists consider ideal. Most REs say the optimal TSH level of a woman TTC is between 1 - 2 and anything above 2.5 is associating with problems getting or staying pregnant.

I called my midwife to discuss this information and while she said that my TSH levels are slightly elevated, it's not to a level she is concerned about. And I must say, that when you use Dr. Google, you will find stories of women with numbers at 9 or above. So I do understand why something just above 3 isn't overly alarming to her . . . however, I have lost my last 3 pregnancies. So I am concerned about this. God forbid our next pregnancy end in another loss, this will be my first topic of conversation with an RE.

We went through our cycle off, and started our 7th cycle since we started TTC in February. It wasn't an optimal cycle for baby making, so I'll be beyond shocked if this cycle works for us.

I am going to acupuncture every week and trying to relax as much as possible, knowing full well that it could be 2 or 3 (or more) cycles before we are lucky enough to even get pregnant again.

I have a lot of anxiety over another positive pregnancy test. I want it more than anything. I want a sibling for our son. I want a bigger family. But I also am afraid of how much more emotional heartache I can take over another loss. At the very least, another loss will send us to a specialist where we might be able to get more answers.

For now, I just hope and pray for a chance at another healthy and successful pregnancy.

I thought baby making was easy.

When you look at our timeline for our first child, you would think that baby making was easy. It was easy. We tried for one cycle, immediately got pregnant, I had a very easy pregnancy, and a very uncomplicated (albeit long) labor and delivery. Our healthy son was born in December 2009.

Then in May 2010, 5 months post-partum, and still breastfeeding around the clock - I got pregnant again!?!?!?! We surely weren't trying, and were barely having enough sex for it to even be possible.

We are just lucky fertile people, right?

Ha.

In July 2010, I miscarried. Which under the sleep-deprived-constant-breastfeeding circumstances, I'm not sure is really that much of a shock. My body couldn't do both. And we weren't even close to being emotionally ready for another child.

In February 2011 we started actively TTC our second child. Given our previous track record, I anticipated a quick road to pregnancy.

7 months, and 2 chemical pregnancies later I'm not sure where this TTC road is going to take us - or if we will end up with another child.

But I have definitely learned one thing. Creating life is a gift, a miracle, a blessing - and most certainly not easy.