36w5d

Do you know what happens when your water spontaneously breaks at 36w2d with your previous pregnancy?  You hit 36w2d in your current pregnancy AND YOU LOSE YOUR MIND.

LOSE IT.

My first pregnancy got to 39w1d when my water broke.  So with my last pregnancy, I was miserable at 36 weeks, but I was mentally prepared to go at least 3 more weeks.  I was SHOCKED when my water broke early.

Now?  Every day that passes, I'm convinced it *could* happen.  And while,

Of course, it *could,* reality is that 36w2d was probably just a random fluke and I need to get in a mental place where I am prepared to go much closer to 3 more weeks than any day now.

Three weeks is not that long, right?  Ha.  It is going to be the longest 3 weeks of my life.

36 week appointment went well.  (Never got to that appointment last time.)  GBS test was done - should know results soon.  Baby is still head down (and has been for 8 weeks now).  Cervix is 1-2cm dilated and 50% effaced - which doesn't mean much except that I've made a teeny bit of progress that I won't have to make later.

Hemorrhoid surgeon appointment went well too.  I now have weekly appointments with him to "manage" them (between now and delivery) with surgical removal tentatively planned for 12ish weeks post partum.  Managing is not a glamorous process, so I'll leave out the details and just be thankful that the process is managing the pain.

OMG - 3 more weeks. 

35w3d

I don't even know where to begin.  Baby is still doing fine.  Mommy, however, is not.  This pregnancy has been one fucked up physical experience after another.  My body is done.  

I can handle the rib kicks (at least he's head down)!  I can handle the leaky boobs that just started (even though I never produced a drop of milk before delivery with my previous two).  I can handle the exhaustion of chasing after two young boys with a fraction of the lung capacity I normally have.  I can handle not sleeping well.  I can even handle the excruciating crotch pain most days.  (Although today was particularly bad, and just lifting my legs high enough to take one or two steps was pretty unbearable.)

These are all just things that come with being 8 months pregnant.  

What is crippling me right now, on top of all the "normal" stuff is a thrombosed hemorrhoid.  Sorry, was that TMI?  If you've never had one, be eternally grateful.  If you have had one, my sympathy goes out to you.  This is not just your ordinary run of the mill hemorrhoid.  Nope.  This is one my midwives want me to see a surgeon about as soon as possible.  So I get to have a GI surgeon dig around in my butt Tuesday.  Happy 36 weeks to me.

Did I mention that I'm done?

It's so hard to reconcile feeling so miserable through this entire pregnancy.  I mean, I lost 4 pregnancies - so a surprise successful pregnancy should be all puppies and rainbows, right?  I should enjoy every second of the last month of pregnancy I will ever have, right?  Nope.  I'm done.  The only way through is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and somehow even that is literally turning into something that seems almost impossible to do for much longer.

The end is close.  So close.  And yet so very very far.

33w4d

I don't know what's scarier right now - the idea that my due date is sill 6 weeks and 3 days away, or that Boy 2 was born in 2 weeks and 5 days.  (Holy cow, we are so not ready to have another baby that fast.)

In super awesome amazing news, all of the horrid pain I was having between 28-30 weeks seems to have subsided for now.  Other than not being able to get really comfortable to sleep and having hip pain when I get out of bed in the morning or when I stand after sitting for too long, I physically feel better than I have in several weeks.

Unfortunately, the harsh Winter, way too many snow days off school for Boy 1, and being stuck in our house for too long is wearing on me emotionally.  I'm beyond mental exhaustion at this point.  But next week promises some above freezing temps and hopefully the ability to get out to get some fresh air and sunlight will give me a bit of a refresh.  (I also have a much needed haircut next week.)

I had dinner with a friend last week and both of her boys came before their due dates too (37 and 38 weeks).  We were talking about how hard it is to mentally prepare to go to your due date (or beyond) when your history would indicate that you will probably deliver earlier.  With a 39w1d and a 36w2d delivery, I HAVE to get into the mindset that I could go to 40w.  Or (OMG) 41w4d.  I admit - I can NOT comprehend that.  I'll settle for preparing for 40w.  After that I'll probably just cry a lot.