39w3d

Well I'm not the raging bitch I was yesterday.  Today I'm a sobbing disaster. My hormones are so fucked up right now I can't even stand myself.

I had an appointment yesterday afternoon.  I'm 3cm dilated and very soft.  I was told to do a lot of walking yesterday - that just the combo of the internal exam and walking *could* be enough to put me into early labor.  I walked 3 miles - half of them pushing a stroller.  I contracted a lot and felt like he was for sure going to claw his way out.  And after a night of being up 3 times with my toddler and getting almost no sleep at all, I have cried for most of the day today - as my uterus is as calm as ever.  

Honestly, a repeat c-section that includes a tubal ligation isn't sounding half bad right now.  

Between the hormones and the physical pain I am falling apart.  

38w3d

So this has been an awesome week.  Insert sarcastic eyeroll here.

My oldest (who was out of school all last week for Spring Break), was diagnosed with croup on Monday and has been out of school all week.  Doctor said he can go back tomorrow.  So he has been home spreading his germs to the 2 year old.  

Our kitchen is under full remodel right now.  Our new cabinets have been installed (yippee), but our granite is delayed so we have no running water in the kitchen right now and are not sure exactly when we are going to get that back.  Sigh.  Feeding a family of 4 in a kitchen without a working surface and running water is, um, interesting.  Im over it.

And I had my 38 week appointment yesterday.  Sadly, baby boy seems completely comfortable inside.  No signs of labor or even that he is starting to descent into my pelvis.  I won't lie, I cried a lot yesterday.  I'm so done.  I know it's still early to get worked up about the 41.4 c-section date.  I just feel like this kid is going to hang out for the long haul.  And as someone who has never been pregnant for longer than 39.2 (and had a 9lb 10oz baby to show for it), I'm scared.  Terrified.  I could barely walk by 39.1 when my water broke in my first pregnancy.  I have to take care of two kids through the end of this one.  I am reaching the end of my emotional sanity.  (Arguably some people would probably say I already reached it.)  I just fear how many more days I can put one foot in front of the other without a total meltdown.  :(

38w

Well, here we are.  14 days from my due date.  25 days away from "surgical eviction."  On the one hand, I suppose that means the end is in sight.  On the other hand, HOLY SHIT 25 days is almost another month away and 39w1d is the longest I've ever been pregnant (well labor started 39.1, he was born 39.2), and he weighed 9lb 10oz.  The idea of being pregnant for 25 more days makes me want to vomit.  :(

I went for a walk yesterday.  Owwwww.  Just getting my tennis shoes on felt like it was going to put me into labor.  (And wasn't very pleasant for my swollen feet either.)  I walked for about 30 minutes and let me tell you, for a baby who hasn't dropped yet, he beat the shit out of my cervix.  There were times the cervix pain almost took my breath away.  

Not sure how much more walking I will attempt.  

For the 5th night in a row, I was super crampy before bed.  Pretty sure I even had 2-3 real contractions last night.  And now I'm back to "normal."  Full term pregnancy is SUCH a mind game.

38 week appointment is on Wednesday.  Million dollar question - have the internal exam or decline it?  Leaning towards declining it, but we will see . . .

37w5d and 20lbs

I'm still here.  Still pregnant.  No signs of labor whatsoever.  Baby still riding high.  At the end of the day I feel very crampy (period-like), but I think it's just my body being grumpy about being 36 years old, full term pregnant, and chasing after two other crazy boys all day long.  I've had the evening crampiness 3 nights in a row now and nothing materializes overnight and I feel completely "fine" in the morning.  (Fine being relative of course.)

I feel like I probably have another week (at least) to go.  I'm trying to be patient.  Patience is not something I'm good at.

In other news, I hit the 20lbs weight gain mark.  I was hoping to stay at closer to 15lbs (remember I started overweight), but considering how swollen my feet have gotten in the last 7-10 days I can't say I'm really surprised and if I stay pregnant for another 7-10 days I'll probably gain another 5-10 in water weight pretty easily.  :/

36w5d

Do you know what happens when your water spontaneously breaks at 36w2d with your previous pregnancy?  You hit 36w2d in your current pregnancy AND YOU LOSE YOUR MIND.

LOSE IT.

My first pregnancy got to 39w1d when my water broke.  So with my last pregnancy, I was miserable at 36 weeks, but I was mentally prepared to go at least 3 more weeks.  I was SHOCKED when my water broke early.

Now?  Every day that passes, I'm convinced it *could* happen.  And while,

Of course, it *could,* reality is that 36w2d was probably just a random fluke and I need to get in a mental place where I am prepared to go much closer to 3 more weeks than any day now.

Three weeks is not that long, right?  Ha.  It is going to be the longest 3 weeks of my life.

36 week appointment went well.  (Never got to that appointment last time.)  GBS test was done - should know results soon.  Baby is still head down (and has been for 8 weeks now).  Cervix is 1-2cm dilated and 50% effaced - which doesn't mean much except that I've made a teeny bit of progress that I won't have to make later.

Hemorrhoid surgeon appointment went well too.  I now have weekly appointments with him to "manage" them (between now and delivery) with surgical removal tentatively planned for 12ish weeks post partum.  Managing is not a glamorous process, so I'll leave out the details and just be thankful that the process is managing the pain.

OMG - 3 more weeks. 

35w3d

I don't even know where to begin.  Baby is still doing fine.  Mommy, however, is not.  This pregnancy has been one fucked up physical experience after another.  My body is done.  

I can handle the rib kicks (at least he's head down)!  I can handle the leaky boobs that just started (even though I never produced a drop of milk before delivery with my previous two).  I can handle the exhaustion of chasing after two young boys with a fraction of the lung capacity I normally have.  I can handle not sleeping well.  I can even handle the excruciating crotch pain most days.  (Although today was particularly bad, and just lifting my legs high enough to take one or two steps was pretty unbearable.)

These are all just things that come with being 8 months pregnant.  

What is crippling me right now, on top of all the "normal" stuff is a thrombosed hemorrhoid.  Sorry, was that TMI?  If you've never had one, be eternally grateful.  If you have had one, my sympathy goes out to you.  This is not just your ordinary run of the mill hemorrhoid.  Nope.  This is one my midwives want me to see a surgeon about as soon as possible.  So I get to have a GI surgeon dig around in my butt Tuesday.  Happy 36 weeks to me.

Did I mention that I'm done?

It's so hard to reconcile feeling so miserable through this entire pregnancy.  I mean, I lost 4 pregnancies - so a surprise successful pregnancy should be all puppies and rainbows, right?  I should enjoy every second of the last month of pregnancy I will ever have, right?  Nope.  I'm done.  The only way through is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and somehow even that is literally turning into something that seems almost impossible to do for much longer.

The end is close.  So close.  And yet so very very far.

33w4d

I don't know what's scarier right now - the idea that my due date is sill 6 weeks and 3 days away, or that Boy 2 was born in 2 weeks and 5 days.  (Holy cow, we are so not ready to have another baby that fast.)

In super awesome amazing news, all of the horrid pain I was having between 28-30 weeks seems to have subsided for now.  Other than not being able to get really comfortable to sleep and having hip pain when I get out of bed in the morning or when I stand after sitting for too long, I physically feel better than I have in several weeks.

Unfortunately, the harsh Winter, way too many snow days off school for Boy 1, and being stuck in our house for too long is wearing on me emotionally.  I'm beyond mental exhaustion at this point.  But next week promises some above freezing temps and hopefully the ability to get out to get some fresh air and sunlight will give me a bit of a refresh.  (I also have a much needed haircut next week.)

I had dinner with a friend last week and both of her boys came before their due dates too (37 and 38 weeks).  We were talking about how hard it is to mentally prepare to go to your due date (or beyond) when your history would indicate that you will probably deliver earlier.  With a 39w1d and a 36w2d delivery, I HAVE to get into the mindset that I could go to 40w.  Or (OMG) 41w4d.  I admit - I can NOT comprehend that.  I'll settle for preparing for 40w.  After that I'll probably just cry a lot.  

  

32 weeks

Sorry, I left everyone hanging.  (At this point I assume most readers are friends and get my updates elsewhere.)  Anyway, 31 week ultrasound showed a cervix completely closed and 5cm long.  Yes, that is LONG.  My MFM consult post-ultrasound went remarkably well.  The specialist said it was "absurd" (yes his choice of words) to suggest progesterone supplementation at this point in time for a VBAC candidate with a cervix two times longer than what is considered a normal closed length at this point in pregnancy.  (Anything longer than 2.5cm is considered normal.)

All seems well in baby land too.  Baby boy is measuring large, just like his brothers did.  Assumption is that if he goes to 40 weeks he will be approximately 9lbs.  This doesn't really bother me - my first was 9lb 10oz and came out fine.

No real explanation for my excruciating pain, other than its the third trimester and this little guy is estimated to be 4lb 8oz already.  (And yes, those estimates are notoriously inaccurate.)

Anyway, tomorrow is 32 weeks.  Nothing really to do at this point other than wait out the last 2 months.  Actually there is a lot to do.  We've done nothing to prepare for this baby at all.  NOTHING.  So I guess we better get on that - since if he wants to be like his middle brother, he could be here in 4 weeks . . .

Paranoia and an ultrasound

There is more backstory here than I care to write about.  LONG story short, the hospital OB I had to meet with to consult about my VBAC wants me to start progesterone to prevent another (possibly earlier) pre-term "labor."  The problem is, I didn't have pre-term labor.  I had pre-term premature rupture of membranes.  No labor.  My midwives and MFM both say that my history does not warrant taking progesterone right now, but MFM wants an ultrasound now just to make sure my cervix is still long and closed.  When my water broke last time at 36 weeks, my cervix was 100% effaced and 2cm dilated.  That doesn't seem significant to me (I've heard tons of stories of people who dilate early and stay pregnant for weeks), but MFM says they want to see what's going on right now.

So that will be Monday morning at 9am (exactly 31 weeks).

In the meantime, I have had excruciating pain in my lower pelvis/cervix/vagina over the last 2 days.  Like have to stop walking and brace myself until the pain is gone.  I wouldn't say the pain is contractions - it definitely doesn't radiate up through my entire uterus.  But I'm concerned.  And relieved to have the ultrasound already scheduled for Monday.  

30 weeks

Holy crap.  I will be 30 weeks pregnant on Monday.  So dear God, why do I feel 43 weeks pregnant?  I've never even been 40 weeks pregnant . . .

I'm waddling.  My hips and back are in constant pain.  My belly is enormous.  I've only gained 12ish pounds - so that's not the problem.  Ugh.

It's going to be a brutal last 2+ months.  

21 weeks - Still puking

Oh how I wish that was a joke.  Being unbearably sick between weeks 14-16 was a cruel joke.  Feeling mostly better between weeks 17-19 was amazing.  Back to puking regularly between 19-21 . . . Well yeah.  I'm fucking over it.  And I haven't used that word on this blog in a LONG time.

In other news, our anatomy scan went well.  Baby boy is still a boy.  He is only measuring about 4 days ahead of my due date - which is much smaller than my other boys have measured.  This is a welcome change for me . . . Not worrying about a giant baby (at least not yet).  I'm sure it's a function of my sickness and my own weight gain.  Pretty sure I was up 15-20 pounds by the halfway point in my previous pregnancies (maybe more in my first).  I'm currently hovering anywhere between +/- 3 for the entire pregnancy so far.  Today was a bad puking day so I'm back down to -3.  

All of my test results, including AFP which was abnormal in my last pregnancy, and the early glucose test have all been normal.  So really there isn't baby monitoring to happen from here on out.  Just normal appointments.  Crazy, huh?

Damn, I wish I could just stop puking.

Quick update

Well I'm still here and still pregnant.  Just checked in on the little peanut with the doppler and he/she is still thumping away at 170-180bpm.  I did end up having an ultrasound last week.  I just wanted to check on growth since the first measurement was small.  Our first u/s came up with a 6w6d measurement.  Our second u/s, exactly 2 weeks later, came up with 9w2d and a heart rate of 185bpm.  Phew.  

That was last week.  So I'm 10 1/2 weeks now.  I had my genetic bloodwork done earlier this week, and that should be back in the next week to 10 days.  And our nuchal translucency scan is on October 9th.

This is all still very surreal to me.  Except for the sickness and exhaustion - they remind me every.single.moment that I am, in fact, definitely pregnant.

Obviously, any number of things could still go very wrong . . . But with good growth as of last week and a strong thumping heartbeat as of 15 minutes ago, it feels like we may make it out of the first trimester . . . CRAZY!

Doppler

Yep.  I did it.  I got a doppler.  I have been warned a million times over that the one time you don't hear the baby will be infinitely worse than any assurance it could ever provide.  I don't care.  There isn't much infinitely worse than waiting 4 weeks between appointments.

Baby was thumping away at 175bpm this morning!!!  

And now I don't have to obsess about whether or not I should call in a favor for getting an ultrasound to calm my anxiety this week.  (I can save that favor for when the doppler gives me a heart attack.)

8ish weeks

How can it only be 8 weeks?  First trimester anxiety, plus brutal sickness, plus a baby who measured over a half a week smaller than I was expecting equals the first trimester that lasts FOREVER.

I suppose 8 weeks with no bleeding and still having tons of pregnancy symptoms is good.  I guess everything is still okay.  I guess.  I don't really think about it too often.  Just functioning well enough to make sure Boy 1 and Boy 2 are taken care of is about the extent of my functioning right now.  Makes it hard to worry about what may or may not be happening with Boy 3 or Girl 1.

Because I am old (aka - advanced maternal age), I am eligible for the Panorama blood test.  They basically take blood from me, and can spin out DNA from the baby.  We'll get a full report of genetic abnormalities and we'll find out the sex.  The test can be done at 9 weeks and results come in 7-10 days.  Crazy, right???  Not sure how I feel about knowing the sex of the baby so early.  I guess it either gives me PLENTY of time to buy lots of cute girl clothes . . . Or it gives me PLENTY of time to ponder how life will be with 3 boys and accept that there will never be a girl.  

Heartbeat and Zofran

I should have updated yesterday.  Our appointment went well for the most part. Baby has an amazing strong heartbeat of 144bpm.  But OF COURSE there is something to worry about.  Baby is measuring small - 6w6d.  Since I don't exactly know when I ovulated and there is a margin of error with measurements, no one seems concerned . . . Except me.  But it is what it is.  Nothing I can do to make the baby measure larger.  :/

And I almost cried like a baby when I begged for my Zofran.  I have never been this sick.  I need relief.  I just took my first one a couple hours ago and I'm feeling a lot better.  Still queasy, but survivable.  Phew.  

More updates to come.

Misery

7w2d (based on LMP) and I basically want to curl up and disappear for at least the next 5 weeks - probably longer.

Boy 2 still nurses and sleeps like shit at 20 months old.  I'm exhausted.  Boy 1 is full of more energy than 10 children should have combined.  (Thank goodness he goes back to school next week.)  

I can't eat (thank you sickness).  I can't sleep (thank you insomnia and boy 2).  And apparently even when I'm not eating I can't even drop a few pounds (thank you bloating).

Ultrasound in just over 48 hours.  I truly have not even thought about it much.  I have two healthy boys.  Whatever happens on Thursday, we will get through it.  (Unless there is more than one baby in here.  I might not get through that.)

Sick and grumpy

Oh yes.  Hello sickness.  Your arrival is bittersweet.  Thankfully it's not all day (yet), and thankfully I am not actually puking (yet) . . . But oh, the waves of nausea are strong and sudden.  BLEH.

But I'm not grumpy because I'm sick.  I'm grumpy because all I wanted for dinner tonight was a burger with LOTS and LOTS of grilled onions.  I would have settled for grilled onions on a bun.  So I stopped at Five Guys for the ONLY craving I've indulged in this week.  I ordered my burger (and dinner for the rest of the family), and salivated all the way home.  My previous meals today were a peach for breakfast - I ended up gagging on it and forcing myself to choke it down.  And a few spoonfuls of leftover taco meat for lunch (leftovers from dinner).  That's it.  So I was HUNGRY.

You can guess where this is going right?

NO ONIONS.  I admit it.  I cried.  My husband laughed.  But I'm still upset about it.  DO NOT MESS WITH A PREGNANT LADY AND HER FOOD!!!

Cookie Dough!!!

OMG, I am DYING for cookie dough.  Seriously, I can't express the craving.  I probably haven't had cookie dough in over a year.  And suddenly I want to eat it by the bowl-ful.  

But my weight.  Oh my stupid horrible weight.  I can not eat cookie dough.  I am 50 pounds overweight.

Why, OH WHY do I feel like an addict having withdrawals right now?  This is crazy.

Blather

I feel like this post is going to be a lot of "diarrhea of the mouth." I have a lot to say, but none of it has much logic or form.

I'm in between 5 1/2 and 6 weeks now (I think). Totally bizarre to think I've know about this pregnancy for almost 2 weeks now and there still isn't a detectable heartbeat yet. When we were TTC I was an obsessive early tester. This time around, I only tested because I just felt CRAZY pregnant. But again, it was super early. I makes the first trimester DRAG on forever when you find out right at 4 weeks (or even sooner).

For the most part, I don't worry too much about what is (or is not) going on in my uterus. I've accepted that I have no control over it whatsoever. I'm sure my anxiety will be sky high come September 4th going into our ultrasound, but for now I'm just letting my body do it's thing. I'm not peeing on tests anymore. (Once I got 3+ on the CBE there wasn't a lot left to accomplish with that stupid exercise.)

The ripping sensation (RLP) in my abdomen every time I twist or stand too quickly is a nice reminder that at least for now my body is preparing itself for pregnancy. The hormones / emotions are another reminder that I'm definitely not myself. I cry way too easily and lost my temper way too easily too. (And the temper thing is unfortunate, because I never had a long fuse to begin with. My kids and my patience level right now are not a good combination.) :(

I'm not sick yet. But I am finding that when I get hungry, nothing sounds good to eat at all. I mean NOTHING. I could not find one thing on an entire restaurant menu I wanted to eat last night. And today in the grocery store, the only thing that sounded remotely decent was tabouli, and by the time I got home and sat down to eat it, it was quite disappointing. But I can eat and am eating. If the previous 2 successful pregnancies are any indication, I would expect sickness to strike anytime in the next week.

My weight is bothering me. A lot. I had no intention of getting pregnant at this weight. (Hell, I had no intention of ever BEING this weight.) Basically I've put on 20lbs from *each* the 3 major life events I've had in the last 6 years. After my wedding I gained 20lbs. After Boy 1, my body found a new weight that was approximately 20lbs heavier than when I started. And the same thing happened after Boy 2. So I am now up 60 pounds from when I got married. And sure, maybe that was an unrealistic weight for me to maintain, but I'm just flat out gross now. I'm easily 40-50 pounds grossly overweight and starting a pregnancy that way SUCKS. I was dieting and running before this pregnancy surprise happened, so I'm trying to stick with the exercise and maintain a healthy diet. I think that if this pregnancy goes the distance, that is going to be my BIGGEST struggle. I need to be healthy. Not just because I don't like the way I look, but because being overweight and pregnant creates complications. I want a VBAC. I want to go to full term. I don't want to worry about gestational diabetes, another 10lb baby, or pre-eclampsia.

And then there are the thoughts of the VBAC. I won't even go there now. I mean, obviously, my mind is there or I wouldn't have brought it up. But we don't even know if this is a viable pregnancy yet and I'm already longing for a particular birth experience. I need to stay grounded in the very real possibility that this could be another first trimester miscarriage. The more I let myself think and hope for the milestones ahead, the more I am going to be crushed if we lose this pregnancy. (And right now, I don't feel like I will be "crushed" - but I am getting more and more attached to the idea every day.)

I guess that's all for now. I suppose I could have just said, "I'm fat, I'm crying a lot, my patience is shot, and I don't know what I'm going to eat tomorrow." ;)

So this happened today

Yes, I'm still peeing on tests.  I'm a bit obsessed (and still in shock).

I'll start out by saying these tests are a bit of a joke.  HCG in urine varies greatly depending on hydration levels, time of the day, etc.  And most people according to google say that the amount of HCG in urine is lower than the amount in blood.  So why did I buy some?  Because I'm crazy and stupid.

According to the documentation this is how the tests should read:

1-2 Weeks <156 hcg

2-3 Weeks 156-2600 hcg

3+ Weeks > 2600 hcg

Here's an example of how inaccurate they are.  Thursday I took one before my HCG draw.  The test said 1-2 weeks pregnant and my HCG was 433.

So knowing my HCG was 433 Thursday, it should have doubled by Saturday and doubled again by today.  So I wanted to see 2-3 weeks on the test...

Hmmm.  I guess the HCG has gone up a little since Thursday . . .