Ramblings

Well today I should be 9w4d pregnant. And instead I am on my 3rd day of spotting in what is proving to be a VERY slow beginning of the end.

I have follow up bloodwork and an appointment with my midwife tomorrow. I am researching like a mad woman to find out what questions I need to ask and where we need to go for answers. The obvious starting point is an RE, but the more and more I research, the more I realize that recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) is not something that many people have a great understanding about. Sure there are standard tests, and we will have them all done and hope for some answers. Forgive me for not being hopeful right now. My mind is already trying to figure out how to push further when all those tests inevitably tell us we have no problems. Not the right attitude to have, but I'm about to lose my 4th pregnancy in 18 months. I don't think it's possible to have a different attitude.

Unless things substantially pick up in the next 24 hours, I will be asking for Cytotec or a D&C tomorrow. This embryo has been dead for at least a week (probably longer based on what my progesterone levels were last week). I want it out of me. ASAP.

In all of my research today, I came across a quote that really struck a nerve. Most things strike a nerve lately, but I had made it all day without crying until I came across this -

"You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."

Truer words have never been written.

8w5d - No heartbeat

The measurement last week was worrisome. The lack of symptoms this whole time was worrisome. But our beta results gave me hope. That heartbeat last week gave me hope. Hope fucking sucks. Our follow-up ultrasound today showed a lifeless embryo and a sac that is starting to detach from the uterus.

Loss #4. Is this even real? I'm angry, numb, devastated, and pretty much hopeless.

Houston, we have a heartbeat!!!

Ahhhhhhh. I guess tears would have been the outcome of my first ultrasound no matter what the result. Within seconds of starting the ultrasound the tech said, "I see a heartbeat." And I cried. Relief. Excitement. And honestly a little bit of disbelief. It was overwhelming. I kept telling myself the entire car ride in that if there was nothing there that it would be okay. And I hadn't really let myself believe that it would all be okay.

But in the spirit of having something else to worry about, the baby was in a very difficult position to measure, and was measuring very small. It was only measuring 6w4d, and considering I had gotten positive pregnancy tests (both urine and blood) 4 weeks earlier, that is a little alarming. (You don't get a positive test at 2 1/2 weeks - you just don't. Conception occurs at ~2 weeks and implantation takes another 6-12 days then another 2-3 days for a test to become positive.)

So there are 3 possibilities for what may be going on:

1) The way our little bean is snuggled up against the wall of my uterus made it impossible to measure him/her from more than one angle. The u/s tech was not confident in her measurements at all. She said if she could have seen from every angle then she would be comfortable with the measurement, but she just wasn't okay with a measurement that far behind based on what she could measure.

2) Our little one got off to a slow start. Not unheard of at all. It used to be believed that in very early pregnancy all embryos grew at the same rate. Now it seems that theory is a little less black and white and there can be variability in the rates of development even during early pregnancy.

3) Our little one is not growing appropriately.

So what does all of this mean? I go back on November 8th for another ultrasound to find out. Even if our little bean is still nestled in an awkward position, we should be able to determine if there has been appropriate growth in the last week. If we can rule out #3, then honestly I don't really care whether the explanation is #1 or #2.

If the answer is #1, then I'm not sure what we do if we can't get a good measurement again this week. If the answer is #2 then we adjust my due date, and instead of being 8 weeks pregnant today I'm only 7 weeks pregnant.

Here's the breakout of my possible due dates:

Based on my last menstrual period: 6/14/11
Based on when I know I ovulated: 6/17/11
Based on current u/s measurements: 6/21/11

So until Tuesday, I am just super thankful that we seem to have a living child inside of me and I hope that we see good growth when we go in!!!

6 weeks

No news is good news, right? I am 6 weeks pregnant today and I have nothing to report. Several days ago I was having very strong period-like cramps and thought for sure it was going to be over. But those have gone away thank goodness.

Unfortunately I don't have many real pregnancy symptoms to report yet either. But no news is good news.

11 days until my appointment. I think this may be the second slowest 11 days in my life - second to only the end of my first pregnancy.

954 and 5 Weeks

The 4th beta came in at 954. This is a doubling time of 49 hours. I hate to see it slowing down, but I have to remind myself anything between 48 - 72 hours is good AND once you get to 1,200 the range of normal slows to 72-96 hours. So it makes sense that as I'm getting close to 1,200 that they will slow down. But I still hate to see it slow down.

So yesterday I was 5 weeks pregnant. This marks the furthest I've been in pregnancy since my miscarriage in 2010. I wish I felt more pregnant. The initial queasiness I had is totally gone. I'm fairly crampy, and my boobs hurt from time to time, and I'm just now starting to feel really tired. But I want to really feel pregnant.

I just need to be patient. Our first appointment and ultrasound are on October 31st. It is going to be a stressful morning. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the worst, while at the same time not putting a damper on my spirit for the next couple weeks.

As I told my best friend yesterday . . . over the next 2 1/2 weeks, no news is good news.

484!

Beta #3 was 484! This is outstanding news. I didn't have any blood draws over the weekend, so the calculation from 65 to 484 is based on a 4 day period instead of 2 days, but the increase is still excellent. Doubling time of approximately every 33 hours.

Beta #4 was drawn yesterday and I will get the results today.

All signs point toward good things. But I must admit that I have been a little down over the last 24 hours. Thinking about everything that could still go wrong. Thinking about the possibility that this may be another pregnancy that doesn't work.

I am trying not to dwell on the bad stuff too much.

I am 5 weeks pregnant today, and for that, I am forever thankful!

65!!!

My 48 hour beta was 65!!! That is awesome - a doubling time of just under 20 hours!!!

Progesterone also made a huge jump from 14 to 21 which is also excellent.

It's not quite time to relax. I have more betas today and Wednesday. If those continue to look good, then I will have an ultrasound in 3 weeks.

For now, I am still hopeful. Cautious, nervous, and scared - but hopeful.

Line Progression (aka - Where I Prove My Psychosis)

Having no control over this process, and having to wait and wait and wait is hard enough when you aren't scared to death of a miscarriage. When you have had a loss, the waiting game and the inability to have any control over the outcome becomes damn near paralyzing.

I kid you not, if I could take my blood at home, I would. But I can't. So what do I do? I pee on sticks.

Here we have 10, 11, and 12 dpo.



A normal person would say, "Holy crap, that's a dark line for 12dpo." I know. That's a really dark line for 12dpo. My period isn't even late yet.

But in my head, this turns into, "Shit. Why didn't the line get a lot darker between 11 and 12 dpo?" Seeing the jump between 10 and 11dpo was so calming to my fears. Seeing the very modest (barely there) increase between 11 and 12dpo, has got me teetering on the edge of freaking out.

My doctor's office closes at noon tomorrow - so I will have my 2nd beta results in about 24 hours.

Nerves

I know it's all out of my hands. I know that worrying about my thyroid issue isn't going to change either my thyroid numbers or the outcome of this pregnancy. I have done everything my doctor asked of me, including the acupuncture (every single week since July). We agreed that we would give another pregnancy a chance before moving onto next steps. So why am I so terrified of my blood draw today? Like tears streaming down my face terrified.

First Beta

12.5.

Individual numbers are neither bad nor good - it's all about the doubling time. So based on the progression of my tests over the last couple days, I'm not freaking out yet. That being said, the range of normal is something like 5-300 . . . and I was really hoping for something higher than 12.5.

How am I going to keep myself busy between now and Friday???????

Edited to add: Progesterone level was 14.