Ramblings

Well today I should be 9w4d pregnant. And instead I am on my 3rd day of spotting in what is proving to be a VERY slow beginning of the end.

I have follow up bloodwork and an appointment with my midwife tomorrow. I am researching like a mad woman to find out what questions I need to ask and where we need to go for answers. The obvious starting point is an RE, but the more and more I research, the more I realize that recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) is not something that many people have a great understanding about. Sure there are standard tests, and we will have them all done and hope for some answers. Forgive me for not being hopeful right now. My mind is already trying to figure out how to push further when all those tests inevitably tell us we have no problems. Not the right attitude to have, but I'm about to lose my 4th pregnancy in 18 months. I don't think it's possible to have a different attitude.

Unless things substantially pick up in the next 24 hours, I will be asking for Cytotec or a D&C tomorrow. This embryo has been dead for at least a week (probably longer based on what my progesterone levels were last week). I want it out of me. ASAP.

In all of my research today, I came across a quote that really struck a nerve. Most things strike a nerve lately, but I had made it all day without crying until I came across this -

"You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."

Truer words have never been written.