Trying some of everything

I know myself, and I know that too many more months on this TTC roller-coaster is going to be more than I can handle.

So I've decided to employ some fertility aids this month. Everything from evening primrose oil to robitussin to soft cups (don't ask).

I'm also going to stop partaking in my evening wine consumption. I don't have wine every night, but I've been having it pretty frequently lately.

We'll see . . .

Like Clockwork

Like a reliable clock, my BBT dropped this morning and my period showed up. There is obviously a huge amount of sadness anytime a cycle doesn't work out, but there is also hope for starting another cycle off fresh. The resolution to eat better, exercise more, stress less starts over on calendar day 1 of every cycle.

I had an acupuncture session last night. We discussed things such as changing diets and herbal supplements. I don't know how I feel about that. Dietary changes are one thing - but unregulated herbs (especially while trying to conceive) concern me.

On one hand, I like the idea that there are other things we can try to optimize our fertility before we go more invasive options like IUI and IVF. On the other hand, I don't know that we actually have "fertility" problem. Getting pregnant has not been our issue. So I am reluctant to go much further with this non-traditional medicine before I meet with a RE to get more details on what problems we actually have.

And I can't help but be a little bit angry at how unfair the world is. Drug addicts, alcoholics, people who do not want children - get pregnant all the time. How is it that someone who has a drug problem can carry a child to term, but I can't manage to do it without having needles jabbed in my body once a week (at an ungodly-non-insurance-covered-price-tag)? I try not to dwell on this topic. I am old enough and wise enough to know that life is not fair. I have been blessed with many many things, so I try to focus on what I have been given as opposed to what I can not have, but damnit, sometimes it really stings.

33 Years Old

Today is my 33rd birthday. I am 13 dpo. And even though I'm not all that into celebrating my own birthday, I am not going to take a pregnancy test and ruin an otherwise decent day. I normally have a 13 day luteal phase, so the negative tests I took on 10, 11, and 12 dpo really don't need validation today anyway.

The bright side is that I plan to have a fair amount of wine tonight. And my husband and I are going out to celebrate our anniversary tomorrow night and I plan on having some wine then too.

I had a good cry with my husband last night

There are so many things about this journey that I don't understand. Particularly, why I want another child so badly. Our toddler is a perfectly happy and healthy little boy. I don't believe for two seconds that having a home with an only child would be a bad thing. And yet, when I look at him, my eyes well with tears when I think of him growing up without a sibling. Maybe it's because I grew up with a sibling, maybe it's biological - I just know that I ache for a second child. I weep over the thoughts that pop into my head that maybe, just maybe, it isn't destined to happen for us.

My husband is very sweet. He reminded me that there have only been 2 cycles since my last chemical pregnancy. And one of those cycles was a mandated cycle off. So really this is only our 1st cycle since I started acupuncture. He is very hopeful. And in my head, I know he is right. Unfortunately, my heart still hurts - a lot. And the tears just keep coming.

11dpo Cycle 7

I absolutely hate everything about TTC, but the worst has got to be the dreaded 2-week-wait. Since I've been pregnant 4 times now and have known every time from my immediate symptoms, I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust for us.

I KNOW that it's not over until my period shows up. And I know that implantation can occur as late as 10 or even 12 dpo. I just don't feel like this cycle is it for us.

Sigh.

I'm trying to stay positive. We haven't been trying for that long - but each month I find myself more and more anxious through this agonizing wait.

Here's where we are starting . . .

My July meeting with my midwife was productive. She ran a lot of tests - both blood work and cervix cultures to rule out any number of common culprits behind miscarriage. Unfortunately, neither of my chemical pregnancies was "documented" so I need another loss before my insurance will cover any further testing/investigation.

So after a cycle off, we were told to keep trying. She also highly recommended acupuncture.

I started acupuncture and all my blood and lab work came back normal.

My acupuncturists told me twice that I should look further into my thyroid numbers - that I present as someone who may have hypothyroidism. So I dug out the results that were sent to me in the mail and did my own googling around. Bad idea - Dr. Google never provides any comfort, but is wonderful at providing lots of additional worries.

My TSH levels are just slightly above 3. Which by many standards are normal. But that's a debatable standard as many endocrinologists view anything above 3 as abnormal. And by TTC standards, it's well outside the bounds of what many reproductive endocrinologists consider ideal. Most REs say the optimal TSH level of a woman TTC is between 1 - 2 and anything above 2.5 is associating with problems getting or staying pregnant.

I called my midwife to discuss this information and while she said that my TSH levels are slightly elevated, it's not to a level she is concerned about. And I must say, that when you use Dr. Google, you will find stories of women with numbers at 9 or above. So I do understand why something just above 3 isn't overly alarming to her . . . however, I have lost my last 3 pregnancies. So I am concerned about this. God forbid our next pregnancy end in another loss, this will be my first topic of conversation with an RE.

We went through our cycle off, and started our 7th cycle since we started TTC in February. It wasn't an optimal cycle for baby making, so I'll be beyond shocked if this cycle works for us.

I am going to acupuncture every week and trying to relax as much as possible, knowing full well that it could be 2 or 3 (or more) cycles before we are lucky enough to even get pregnant again.

I have a lot of anxiety over another positive pregnancy test. I want it more than anything. I want a sibling for our son. I want a bigger family. But I also am afraid of how much more emotional heartache I can take over another loss. At the very least, another loss will send us to a specialist where we might be able to get more answers.

For now, I just hope and pray for a chance at another healthy and successful pregnancy.

I thought baby making was easy.

When you look at our timeline for our first child, you would think that baby making was easy. It was easy. We tried for one cycle, immediately got pregnant, I had a very easy pregnancy, and a very uncomplicated (albeit long) labor and delivery. Our healthy son was born in December 2009.

Then in May 2010, 5 months post-partum, and still breastfeeding around the clock - I got pregnant again!?!?!?! We surely weren't trying, and were barely having enough sex for it to even be possible.

We are just lucky fertile people, right?

Ha.

In July 2010, I miscarried. Which under the sleep-deprived-constant-breastfeeding circumstances, I'm not sure is really that much of a shock. My body couldn't do both. And we weren't even close to being emotionally ready for another child.

In February 2011 we started actively TTC our second child. Given our previous track record, I anticipated a quick road to pregnancy.

7 months, and 2 chemical pregnancies later I'm not sure where this TTC road is going to take us - or if we will end up with another child.

But I have definitely learned one thing. Creating life is a gift, a miracle, a blessing - and most certainly not easy.