18 weeks

No pictures this week.  Too busy and no change from last week.  Baby should be about the size of a sweet potato.  That's getting quite big when I think about it.  Not nearly the size of the watermelon I delivered in December 2009, but it's still a substantial size.

I don't really know what to say this week.  Let me give some updates on things I haven't talked about in a while.

Sickness.  95% GONE!  Yay.  If I weren't so worried about other things I'd be doing a somersault about this.  I still have moments either right after I eat or when I've gone too long without eating when I feel pretty gross, but it's been several weeks since I've wanted to hang my head in the toilet, and I am thrilled to have some relief.

Exhaustion / fatigue / insomnia.  Still really tired most of the time, but so much better.  And for the most part my insomnia seems to have gotten better too.  No complaints about this improvement either.  Although, I do at some point expect I *might* be lucky enough to have some of the more traditional 2nd trimester energy before the insomnia comes back in the 3rd trimester.  I won't push my luck though, I'm just happy to not be taking 2-3 hours to fall asleep at night and sleeping through until morning again.

Movement.  I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I thought I might have been feeling the baby move.  I'm almost certain that I am now feeling small movements sporadically throughout the day.  None are up front, which would make sense with the anterior placenta.  Most are well over to the left side and definitely remind me of my first sensations with my son.  They are still too subtle and sporadic to provide any sort of comfort about the baby's well being, but every now and then a small sensation here or there is a nice addition to my day.

Unfortunately with the developments of the last 48 hours, this week feels like a bittersweet update to me.  I'm feeling better and I'm feeling movement.  Awesome.  I also have this fear of a defect with the baby or my placenta lingering over my head, and I'm scared shitless.  As scared as I was waiting to see the heartbeat the first time.  As scared as I was going into the NT scan.  The unknowns are really overwhelming.  At a time when we really should be at one of the most exciting and stress free parts of pregnancy (if there is such a thing).  At a time when I really was getting ready to make our official pregnancy announcement to the world.  (I had just emailed the place I ordered our picture frames from on Monday to say, "Where are they?  I ordered them 5 weeks ago and I need them soon.")  At a time when I was hoping our only unknown would be whether or not my son was going to have a baby brother or a baby sister.  Instead I sit here, wanting to crawl back under my rock.  Wishing we hadn't told so many people already.  Trying to in some way mentally prepare myself for what could be devastating news.  And at the same time, trying to put one foot in front of the other and convince myself it will all be okay - because I can't even begin to process the alternative.  And all the while, trying to be a loving and patient mommy to a very "spirited" 2 1/2 year old who is testing limits constantly.

For now, I'm juggling.  I'm not good at it, but I'm managing.  What other choice do I have?