The insanity continues

I follow the blog of a fellow RPL survivor very closely.  She's been through 6 miscarriages - all either chemical pregnancies or first trimester losses.  She is currently over 30 weeks pregnant and I remember watching her blog progress through first trimester, then second trimester, and while I was breathing a sigh of relief for her, she just seemed to get more and more freaked out by various things that could go wrong.  I didn't understand . . . she had no reason to believe she would have a late(r) term loss . . . she had gotten past the most risky part in her history.  Why wasn't she enjoying that part of pregnancy?

Now, I understand.

Aside from constantly worrying if baby is growing appropriately, I have had very low intense pain and pressure for several weeks now.  I called my doctor about it once around 13 weeks and was told it was fine.  And I brought it up at my appointment again last week.  And again, with no contractions and no bleeding, I'm told it's fine.  But here's the thing - it doesn't feel fine.  At all.  I'm not even 18 weeks pregnant and I feel as much pressure on my cervix as I felt during early labor with my son.  It is painful to walk.  It should not be painful to walk when I'm not even half way through pregnancy, should it?  It doesn't feel right.  And I know the logical explanations . . . it's the ligaments stretching, I'm carrying this one lower than my son (who admittedly was VERY high), it's normal to feel more pressure earlier in second pregnancies because the muscles aren't as helpful as they used to be, it could be because my placenta is a bit low.  I know.  I know.  I know.

But I also know that this doesn't feel right.  And I just feel fucking crazy.  I don't trust my body and I don't trust my own intuition (because it's impossible to distinguish what's rational to worry about and what's irrational).

I have no history of pre-term labor or PPROM.  My cervix was barely progressing at my 38 week appointment with my son.  So why is this pressure and pain so terrifying to me?  And how do I let it go?  Or when do I say, enough is enough and I want to be seen and have my cervix checked?

I'm so tired of worrying.  And I can't stop.  And I just want to stay in bed and cry.  And this is just from the mental insanity.  The constant pain from being up and walking around isn't dong me any favors either.

:(