I wonder who is still reading . . .

This blog was NEVER supposed to be for any purpose other than an outlet for me. I didn't want an audience.  I shared it with people who I thought might understand me more with some insight into my personal journal, but it was never written for anyone other than me.  (In an attempt to keep just a shred of sanity.)

Now I kinda hope no one is reading anymore.  Because I am not ready to share this with everyone, but at the same time I don't want to take the blog completely private or start a new blog somewhere else.  So it is what it is.  If you still have this blog in your RSS reader or your bookmarks and you even remotely know me as I exist in real life, please just read along and pretend I am some random internet stranger you don't know - because I'm really not ready to talk about this outside the context of my own journaling.

So . . .

I'm pregnant.  For the 7th time.

My random thoughts of craziness throughout this journey (no matter how long or short) will be MUCH different than my thoughts of craziness through the previous ones.

For starters, we were neurotically TTC with the others.  And that was not the case this time.  Sure, we knew that with our history of getting pregnant so easily that this was a possibility, but we also have been "somewhat smart" about timing and condoms so this is a bit of a shock.  (Somewhat smart.  Or apparently stupid.)

I wasn't charting.  All I know is based on my LMP, the ONLY time we had sex this month, the symptoms I got VERY early, and the timing of the HPT don't really add up in my head.  But, that's all water under the bridge.

I don't know how I feel right now.  I'm not on prenatals or progesterone at this point - but will be soon.  The shock and surprise of it all leaves me with a lot of extremely mixed emotions right now.  The primary thing I'm feeling right now is numbness.  I've kept 2 of 6 pregnancies and lost 4.  I don't want to get attached to the idea of a 3rd child because I'm fairly certain that this could easily be loss #5.  I am also fairly calm.  Well, not exactly calm, but not neurotic either.  I will call my doctors this week to get on progesterone, but I am not going to request betas or early ultrasounds.  At the end of the day, they have no bearing on the outcome of this pregnancy.  If this is going to be a miscarriage, it will be a miscarriage.  If it is going to be our 3rd child, I want it to be as normal of a pregnancy as possible.  I had 10 ultrasounds with boy 2, and more betas than I can even recall right now.  I needed those things under the circumstances with him, but I don't feel like I need them now.  

Based on LMP, I'm exactly 4 weeks pregnant right now.  Based on sexual activity and symptoms of pregnancy (which started about 5 days ago), I'm not sure how that's possible - but no matter what the precise details are, it's still super crazy early.

So yeah.  That's all for now.