Just because I can

I am all too aware of how quickly you can go from being excited about being pregnant to being devastated about losing a pregnancy. So, while I can, I'm going to enjoy every one of these tests I take.

Yesterday's test is on top, the bottom test is from today.



And I've always wanted to take a digital.

I feel like sh*t and it's wonderful

Okay, so feeling like sh*t is never wonderful. But I took my prenatals this morning and I already feel like they are going to come back up.

I had terrible morning sickness with my first pregnancy, moderate morning sickness with the miscarriage, and even with the very short chemical pregnancies I had some queasiness. It seems as though I am one of those people who is very sensitive to even the lowest amounts of HCG.

But if feeling this bad so early means those numbers are rising quickly - I'll take it. I'll take it every day for 9 months.

Friday's blood results can not come soon enough.

It's real

Wow.


First blood draw is this afternoon. Second one will be Thursday. Fingers crossed. Please let us keep this one.

The Faintest of Faint Lines

It's 9dpo and yes, I'm a test-a-holic. Today I had multiple tests with faint lines. So faint that my husband would call me crazy. Squint and hold it in the right kind of light type lines. But they are there. They are the right size, in the right location, and they have color. They are also on "internet cheapies" which are notorious for wicked evap lines even when read in the appropriate time window.

So I'm cautiously, dare I say, optimistic. Lines are surely better than no lines. If the lines are darker tomorrow, I will buy some real tests. If those are positive, I'll tell my husband. And from there, I'll call my doctor towards the end of the week once my period is officially late.

Most people would be jumping up and down. But, I've been down this road before. I feel good. I feel calm. Not worried. Not anxious. But not excited and happy either.

Just ready to see what the next couple of days bring.

Phantom Symptoms

Oh the joys of being 8 dpo on our 8th cycle. The problem is that I've been pregnant enough times now (4 if you are keeping count) - to know that I have very early symptoms.

The other problem is that because I KNOW I have early symptoms I analyze the heck out of every pain and twinge I have in the 2 week wait. And we all know I'm crazy - so I have no idea how many of these things are psychosomatic vs. real.

Here's what's going on for me right now that is not typical for being just over half way through my luteal phase:
- Tingly breasts.
- Non-period like lower abdominal cramps and pains.
- Freezing cold hands and feet.
- Queasiness.
- Wild emotional swings.
- More cervical mucus than I would expect.
- Backaches.

And as crazy as I am, I KNOW that my head could be playing tricks on me. There could be 5 million reasons I am experiencing all of these things that have nothing to do with pregnancy. (Stress being the first one that comes to mind.)

It's going to be a long and sucky 5-6 days.

Trying some of everything

I know myself, and I know that too many more months on this TTC roller-coaster is going to be more than I can handle.

So I've decided to employ some fertility aids this month. Everything from evening primrose oil to robitussin to soft cups (don't ask).

I'm also going to stop partaking in my evening wine consumption. I don't have wine every night, but I've been having it pretty frequently lately.

We'll see . . .

Like Clockwork

Like a reliable clock, my BBT dropped this morning and my period showed up. There is obviously a huge amount of sadness anytime a cycle doesn't work out, but there is also hope for starting another cycle off fresh. The resolution to eat better, exercise more, stress less starts over on calendar day 1 of every cycle.

I had an acupuncture session last night. We discussed things such as changing diets and herbal supplements. I don't know how I feel about that. Dietary changes are one thing - but unregulated herbs (especially while trying to conceive) concern me.

On one hand, I like the idea that there are other things we can try to optimize our fertility before we go more invasive options like IUI and IVF. On the other hand, I don't know that we actually have "fertility" problem. Getting pregnant has not been our issue. So I am reluctant to go much further with this non-traditional medicine before I meet with a RE to get more details on what problems we actually have.

And I can't help but be a little bit angry at how unfair the world is. Drug addicts, alcoholics, people who do not want children - get pregnant all the time. How is it that someone who has a drug problem can carry a child to term, but I can't manage to do it without having needles jabbed in my body once a week (at an ungodly-non-insurance-covered-price-tag)? I try not to dwell on this topic. I am old enough and wise enough to know that life is not fair. I have been blessed with many many things, so I try to focus on what I have been given as opposed to what I can not have, but damnit, sometimes it really stings.

33 Years Old

Today is my 33rd birthday. I am 13 dpo. And even though I'm not all that into celebrating my own birthday, I am not going to take a pregnancy test and ruin an otherwise decent day. I normally have a 13 day luteal phase, so the negative tests I took on 10, 11, and 12 dpo really don't need validation today anyway.

The bright side is that I plan to have a fair amount of wine tonight. And my husband and I are going out to celebrate our anniversary tomorrow night and I plan on having some wine then too.

I had a good cry with my husband last night

There are so many things about this journey that I don't understand. Particularly, why I want another child so badly. Our toddler is a perfectly happy and healthy little boy. I don't believe for two seconds that having a home with an only child would be a bad thing. And yet, when I look at him, my eyes well with tears when I think of him growing up without a sibling. Maybe it's because I grew up with a sibling, maybe it's biological - I just know that I ache for a second child. I weep over the thoughts that pop into my head that maybe, just maybe, it isn't destined to happen for us.

My husband is very sweet. He reminded me that there have only been 2 cycles since my last chemical pregnancy. And one of those cycles was a mandated cycle off. So really this is only our 1st cycle since I started acupuncture. He is very hopeful. And in my head, I know he is right. Unfortunately, my heart still hurts - a lot. And the tears just keep coming.

11dpo Cycle 7

I absolutely hate everything about TTC, but the worst has got to be the dreaded 2-week-wait. Since I've been pregnant 4 times now and have known every time from my immediate symptoms, I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust for us.

I KNOW that it's not over until my period shows up. And I know that implantation can occur as late as 10 or even 12 dpo. I just don't feel like this cycle is it for us.

Sigh.

I'm trying to stay positive. We haven't been trying for that long - but each month I find myself more and more anxious through this agonizing wait.