Blather

I feel like this post is going to be a lot of "diarrhea of the mouth." I have a lot to say, but none of it has much logic or form.

I'm in between 5 1/2 and 6 weeks now (I think). Totally bizarre to think I've know about this pregnancy for almost 2 weeks now and there still isn't a detectable heartbeat yet. When we were TTC I was an obsessive early tester. This time around, I only tested because I just felt CRAZY pregnant. But again, it was super early. I makes the first trimester DRAG on forever when you find out right at 4 weeks (or even sooner).

For the most part, I don't worry too much about what is (or is not) going on in my uterus. I've accepted that I have no control over it whatsoever. I'm sure my anxiety will be sky high come September 4th going into our ultrasound, but for now I'm just letting my body do it's thing. I'm not peeing on tests anymore. (Once I got 3+ on the CBE there wasn't a lot left to accomplish with that stupid exercise.)

The ripping sensation (RLP) in my abdomen every time I twist or stand too quickly is a nice reminder that at least for now my body is preparing itself for pregnancy. The hormones / emotions are another reminder that I'm definitely not myself. I cry way too easily and lost my temper way too easily too. (And the temper thing is unfortunate, because I never had a long fuse to begin with. My kids and my patience level right now are not a good combination.) :(

I'm not sick yet. But I am finding that when I get hungry, nothing sounds good to eat at all. I mean NOTHING. I could not find one thing on an entire restaurant menu I wanted to eat last night. And today in the grocery store, the only thing that sounded remotely decent was tabouli, and by the time I got home and sat down to eat it, it was quite disappointing. But I can eat and am eating. If the previous 2 successful pregnancies are any indication, I would expect sickness to strike anytime in the next week.

My weight is bothering me. A lot. I had no intention of getting pregnant at this weight. (Hell, I had no intention of ever BEING this weight.) Basically I've put on 20lbs from *each* the 3 major life events I've had in the last 6 years. After my wedding I gained 20lbs. After Boy 1, my body found a new weight that was approximately 20lbs heavier than when I started. And the same thing happened after Boy 2. So I am now up 60 pounds from when I got married. And sure, maybe that was an unrealistic weight for me to maintain, but I'm just flat out gross now. I'm easily 40-50 pounds grossly overweight and starting a pregnancy that way SUCKS. I was dieting and running before this pregnancy surprise happened, so I'm trying to stick with the exercise and maintain a healthy diet. I think that if this pregnancy goes the distance, that is going to be my BIGGEST struggle. I need to be healthy. Not just because I don't like the way I look, but because being overweight and pregnant creates complications. I want a VBAC. I want to go to full term. I don't want to worry about gestational diabetes, another 10lb baby, or pre-eclampsia.

And then there are the thoughts of the VBAC. I won't even go there now. I mean, obviously, my mind is there or I wouldn't have brought it up. But we don't even know if this is a viable pregnancy yet and I'm already longing for a particular birth experience. I need to stay grounded in the very real possibility that this could be another first trimester miscarriage. The more I let myself think and hope for the milestones ahead, the more I am going to be crushed if we lose this pregnancy. (And right now, I don't feel like I will be "crushed" - but I am getting more and more attached to the idea every day.)

I guess that's all for now. I suppose I could have just said, "I'm fat, I'm crying a lot, my patience is shot, and I don't know what I'm going to eat tomorrow." ;)

So this happened today

Yes, I'm still peeing on tests.  I'm a bit obsessed (and still in shock).

I'll start out by saying these tests are a bit of a joke.  HCG in urine varies greatly depending on hydration levels, time of the day, etc.  And most people according to google say that the amount of HCG in urine is lower than the amount in blood.  So why did I buy some?  Because I'm crazy and stupid.

According to the documentation this is how the tests should read:

1-2 Weeks <156 hcg

2-3 Weeks 156-2600 hcg

3+ Weeks > 2600 hcg

Here's an example of how inaccurate they are.  Thursday I took one before my HCG draw.  The test said 1-2 weeks pregnant and my HCG was 433.

So knowing my HCG was 433 Thursday, it should have doubled by Saturday and doubled again by today.  So I wanted to see 2-3 weeks on the test...

Hmmm.  I guess the HCG has gone up a little since Thursday . . .

433

Well that's a darn good number!

Progesterone is above 20.  Which is good too, but . . .

My midwives do not prescribe proactive progesterone - which I was on last time.  And I'm scared to death to be without it.

So . . . 

I called my old RE's office.  The specifiC RE I used moved out of state, but I figure my files must surely still be on file with the practice, right?  Anyway, I left a message explaining the situation and asking for a second opinion on the progesterone.

I hate being anxious.

First ultrasound with my midwives is 9/4.

Woah.

I am having an insane number of symptoms super early.  My husband is convinced this means there are two babies.  (Which is not even remotely funny to joke about.)

I don't have any nausea yet so I'm counting my blessings for that.

As for other stuff?

Round Ligament Pain?  OMG, how is this possible so early?  I wouldn't even believe it was possible if Google hadn't revealed to me tons of other mothers who have had it this early (and earlier) with each subsequent pregnancy.  If I twist too quickly, or God forbid if I sneeze, it feels like my uterus is ripping out of my body.

Exhaustion?  At least it seems to have cured the insomnia I've been struggling with since Boy 2 was born 19 months ago.  I could sleep all day.

Sore boobs?  Miserable.  And considering that Boy 2 is still nursing, this is just a cruel joke.  Oh, and I obviously need newer sports bras.  

What does all of this mean?  Absolutely nothing except that if this pregnancy goes for the duration, I don't think it is going to be any kinder to me than my previous ones.  

A reminder that betas do mean something, but not everything . . .

I found this quote online tonight from one of the leading REs in the world:

"If I had a nickel for every baby I have held in my arms that did not initially have perfectly doubling hCG levels or for every D & C I have had to perform for a failed pregnancy that was indeed doubling, I would be retired in the South of France reading poetry and eating peeled grapes."

http://haveababy.com/fertility-information/infertility-insights/the-real-meaning-of-beta-hcg-levels

135

Not sure how I feel about that number.  I guess in isolation it doesn't mean much.  Progesterone is "excellent."  

I've decided the worst part about this process is having no control whatsoever. :(

Beta Drawn and Stuff

Beta was drawn at 9am.  I have no idea what to expect, I just hope I get a call on Friday (after the second beta on Thursday) before the office closes at noon.

I had a long talk with my husband last night.  (I've actually been out of town with the kids for a while, so this shock was relayed to him via phone call last week.)  I admitted to him that while I know the timing isn't ideal and it wasn't planned, now that it has happened I don't want to lose it.  And he admitted the same.  

But I'm afraid to want it - for obvious reasons.  I feel my mind going back to that neurotic place . . . Do my boobs hurt today?  Why am I so crampy?  Why am I not crampy anymore?  Where on Earth will put this baby in our cramped house?  We have to move.  Am I bleeding?  Let me go to the bathroom to see if I'm bleeding.  While I'm in the bathroom I should take another test.  Etc.  Etc.  Etc.

And on that note, I'm going to try to turn off my neurotic brain and get a nap.  Because the exhaustion is very, very real.

Betas Tomorrow and Thursday

Well I said I didn't want betas, but apparently if I want progesterone then I don't have a choice.  My doctors won't dose me without having an idea of what is going on with my levels.

I'm okay with that.  If it's going to be a miscarriage I'd like to know that my beta levels suck so I can mentally prepare for it.  

I can't say I'm sad to be getting more information.

I wonder who is still reading . . .

This blog was NEVER supposed to be for any purpose other than an outlet for me. I didn't want an audience.  I shared it with people who I thought might understand me more with some insight into my personal journal, but it was never written for anyone other than me.  (In an attempt to keep just a shred of sanity.)

Now I kinda hope no one is reading anymore.  Because I am not ready to share this with everyone, but at the same time I don't want to take the blog completely private or start a new blog somewhere else.  So it is what it is.  If you still have this blog in your RSS reader or your bookmarks and you even remotely know me as I exist in real life, please just read along and pretend I am some random internet stranger you don't know - because I'm really not ready to talk about this outside the context of my own journaling.

So . . .

I'm pregnant.  For the 7th time.

My random thoughts of craziness throughout this journey (no matter how long or short) will be MUCH different than my thoughts of craziness through the previous ones.

For starters, we were neurotically TTC with the others.  And that was not the case this time.  Sure, we knew that with our history of getting pregnant so easily that this was a possibility, but we also have been "somewhat smart" about timing and condoms so this is a bit of a shock.  (Somewhat smart.  Or apparently stupid.)

I wasn't charting.  All I know is based on my LMP, the ONLY time we had sex this month, the symptoms I got VERY early, and the timing of the HPT don't really add up in my head.  But, that's all water under the bridge.

I don't know how I feel right now.  I'm not on prenatals or progesterone at this point - but will be soon.  The shock and surprise of it all leaves me with a lot of extremely mixed emotions right now.  The primary thing I'm feeling right now is numbness.  I've kept 2 of 6 pregnancies and lost 4.  I don't want to get attached to the idea of a 3rd child because I'm fairly certain that this could easily be loss #5.  I am also fairly calm.  Well, not exactly calm, but not neurotic either.  I will call my doctors this week to get on progesterone, but I am not going to request betas or early ultrasounds.  At the end of the day, they have no bearing on the outcome of this pregnancy.  If this is going to be a miscarriage, it will be a miscarriage.  If it is going to be our 3rd child, I want it to be as normal of a pregnancy as possible.  I had 10 ultrasounds with boy 2, and more betas than I can even recall right now.  I needed those things under the circumstances with him, but I don't feel like I need them now.  

Based on LMP, I'm exactly 4 weeks pregnant right now.  Based on sexual activity and symptoms of pregnancy (which started about 5 days ago), I'm not sure how that's possible - but no matter what the precise details are, it's still super crazy early.

So yeah.  That's all for now.

When you are the outlier . . .

I will never forget my first meeting with my RE, when she very compassionately said, "Statistically speaking, most people will get past RPL and have a successful pregnancy." And I cried. I cried because I didn't think I would. I cried because "most" people is definitely not "all" people. Some people don't get past it, and if you are one of the unlucky ones, then statistically speaking, the odds mean fucking nothing.

I don't write about myself today. We know that I was so very fortunate enough to be on the good side of the numbers.

I write today about a very dear friend who has fallen on the other side of the odds. 13 attempted IUI cycles - resulting in 1 cancelled cycle due to no response, 10 negatives, and 2 miscarriages. One round of IVF (with a potential FET) was their last hope. And with no embryos making it to freeze, and a negative blood test from the IVF cycle yesterday, their journey is over.

What do you even say that can give comfort? There are no words that will even begin to fill the emptiness. My heart physically aches for them. The painful journey, the expensive journey, the LONG journey. No one should get to the end of a struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss with nothing to show for it. NO ONE.

So I cry again today over the very first words my RE spoke to me. Knowing that "most" people get through these journeys with a better outcome only makes the end result that much more painful for those who don't.