Can of worms

I have so much pain and anger and sadness bottled up inside. I ache everyday to have just one of these pregnancies back. I fear that I am so broken that no one will be able to fix me. I have emotions I don't even fully comprehend.

And I carry this burden mostly alone. Sure, my husband knows everything. And my best friend does too. But for most of the people around me, I put on my happy face, and no one has noticed any cracks in the facade...yet.

But the holidays are coming, and our son will be 2 in a couple weeks. Spending time with family at a time we hoped to be announcing our most recent pregnancy, and the inevitable questions about when we are having another child...I don't know if I will be able to hold it all in.

Why am I holding it all in? I don't want to share this pain with others. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hurt my family over the fact that this has been kept from them all along. I don't want to open a can of worms that I will never be able to close again.

But the end of this secret may be near through no choice of my own. If I need a D&C or if any of our RPL testing requires anesthetic procedures, my husband has said (and I agree) that I have to at least tell my mom. I can't go in for surgery and not tell her. That's not fair.

So I feel like if this can of worms has to be opened that I should just go ahead and do it. But I'm still not sure if I'm ready. We'll see...