Today is CD 15 and I will either O today or tomorrow. Fertility friend just told me that if I ovulate today that a pregnancy this cycle would have a due date of December 23rd. Wow. I mean, I guess I knew it would be December. Our successful March cycle with my son resulted in a December baby. But I also hadn't thought about it too much either. I'm going to try to convince myself that a negative this cycle is okay because I don't really need Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays for 2 children to deal with every holiday season for the rest of my life . . . But just knowing that a negative this cycle takes us to 2013 makes my heart ache.
I remember in July 2011, I ordered our family's personalized day planner for 2012. I intentionally did not put all of our names on the cover because I thought for sure that we would be a family of four in 2012 and I didn't want to leave our future child out. So instead I ordered our calendar customized with just our last name on the front thinking that was the perfect solution for however our family expanded. And here we are. Our last shot at a 2012 baby. That seems surreal. In some ways it hurts. In some ways I am numb.
My husband and I have been communicating really well lately. He says I seem a lot more relaxed. I don't feel relaxed, I just feel like I've given up hope. Sure, I go through the motions every cycle. I do everything I can to make it work . . . but the hope of a positive outcome is all but gone. So I don't really know why I'm trying anymore. I asked him if he was ready to give up. He said he will never give up. Which is both amazing and heartbreaking. Because it means he still has hope.
I wish I was still that hopeful, optimistic, delusional person I used to be. I wish I could say that I will never give up.
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