Faith

Wow, 2 posts in one day - that's very rare around here for such a boring time in my cycle. But I'm angry, and I'm emotional, and I'm tired.

Why is it that "people of faith" feel the need to push that on others? Why have I not been able to go onto any of the forums that I find relative comfort lately without someone using their miscarriage as a way to spread "the Lord's Word?" I know why. Because it's Good Friday and Easter weekend, and yadda yadda yadda.

I grew up in an extraordinarily Christian home. Extreme to the point that I knew I didn't want to live my life that way. Somewhere deep down in the core of who I am I have always believed in God but I have also never been able to really wrap my mind around how humans - as sinners - have twisted his word to their own benefit.

How many wars in this world have been started in the name of religion? That's not God, that's a very warped interpretation of God.

The God I believe in is a loving, compassionate God. He is a protector. In my life right now, he is nowhere to be found.

There is nothing that boils my blood more than hearing that miscarriages are God's will. Or that they are God's way of testing your faith. REALLY? Take that BULLSHIT and blow it out of your ass. If that makes YOU feel better about YOUR miscarriage then that's great. We all get through in our own way. But do not imply that my God did this to me on purpose. If that were true for even a second, then he is not a God who I want. And that's the truth. Any God who would test someone's faith in this way is not loving or compassionate nor a protector.

Somewhere along the way, whether it was the emotional devastation of 4 losses, or the painful labors of my 2 miscarriages, or the HORRIFYING act of seeing the "products of conception" floating in the toilet and having to bring myself to physically flush my babies away into a sewage system not once but twice, my faith got flushed away with them. The vision of those horrific things that I flushed still haunt me in dreams. And when it's not dreams about that, it's dreams about losing the next pregnancy. Horrific to the point that I get in bed at night and can't go to sleep because I am so terrified of what I see in my sleep. NO GOD WOULD DO THIS TO ANYONE.

Please do not worry about my soul. My mother reminds me that she prays for it daily. My soul needs something right now that this God everyone talks about is not willing to give me. I need comfort, assurance, peace, serenity, hope. If God does have a hand in this equation then he is the one who has taken those things from me. And why would I ever want to have faith in a God who does that?