Perspective

Back in my younger days, I had a group of female friends I hung out with - wives and girlfriends of my ex-fiance.  None of these ladies were ever close friends of mine, but we did spend a fair bit of time together.  One of the women was having a very long and difficult struggle with infertility.  As some of these women went on to get pregnant, the woman struggling with infertility never came to any of the baby showers for the other women and just very obviously tried to avoid them in general.  I was naive and stupid.  I felt bad for the pregnant women.  I thought the woman struggling with infertility was being selfish.  How could she not be happy for her friends???

Oh, how young and stupid I was.

I have been sitting on a baby shower invite for about a week now.  The RSVP date getting closer and closer.  The woman is a fairly good friend of mine.  I *should* go to her baby shower.  I *want* to be able to go to her baby shower.  But I can't.  I can not sit in a room full of women who are oohing and ahhing over precious baby things and not be constantly reminded that I have lost 4 pregnancies and I may very well have another dead baby inside.  This is her day for her precious baby, and at this point, I would be able to add nothing to the happiness at all.  I am so insanely happy for her.  I just have emotions that I can't handle.  So I'm not going.

And now I have become that really crappy selfish friend.  Isn't it funny how life changes your perspective on things?  And by "funny" I mean fucked up and depressing.