To write, or not to write

I really only started sharing this blog 3-4 months ago. And in that time it's had a ton of visitors. More than my photography blog ever got. And it has gotten almost as many visits as my personal family blog that has been up and running for 4 years. That's kinda crazy. I want people to read - it's the closest I can come to sharing my experience. (Although SUPER close family and friends don't know it exists. Sometimes it is too raw for what I want them to know about. I don't need my phone ringing every time I have a bad day.) But in some ways I feel like that's changing what I may say. And I don't want that to happen. This is my journal - my outlet - my words I have typed with tears streaming down my face on more occasions than I can even begin to recollect.

So let this be a disclaimer - no matter what the outcome, the next few weeks and months are going to be crazy. I will either have to deal with my 5th loss or live in constant fear that at any moment I am going to have to deal with my 5th loss. It's going to be a mind-fuck like nothing I have ever been through. I don't blame anyone if they want to stop reading through all of this. But I am asking that if you keep reading not to judge me for my lack of sanity. I am coping the best way I know how, and some days are better than others.

So with all of that being said, I am not coping well today . . . I am a fucking disaster about tomorrow. A complete fucking disaster, and I have no idea how to cope with this type of stress for what could be weeks or months. I feel completely emotionally incapable of tackling this pregnancy and just want something (ANYTHING) in this fucked up journey we are on to go our way. :(