June 14th

Well, I think the anticipation of this day has been worse than the day itself (although it's not exactly over yet). Interestingly enough, out of 4 miscarriages, this has been my only real due date. With the first miscarriage, I was breastfeeding and we had no idea how far along I was, so there was never a due date. Guesstimate was sometime in February 2011. Then the 2 chemical pregnancies were over so quickly that I never really paid that much attention to what their EDDs were - although I'm sure I could have told you at the time. They were both sometime in March and April of 2012.

And now here we are - the due date of the 4th miscarriage. Crazy. In some ways it feels like the loss was yesterday. In some ways it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I'm not that sad today . . . in fact I'm having a hard time imagining this home being ready to have another baby in it. Of course, I'm 100% positive that's exacerbated by my ridiculous exhaustion and my constant feeling of needing to puke everywhere.

I will never know why I've lost so many pregnancies. I read stories about others with RPL and my heart breaks for them not understanding how they have the strength to get through. And yet, I'm here. Somehow getting through myself. Trying to be a good mom, a good wife, and hold it all together. And now I find myself at the last milestone of the last loss. And I'm desperately clinging to any and all shreds of hope that I don't have to spend another due date like this ever again.